Needing 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN A STRANGER'S BED

TARA

"Can I go with you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Tadhg, I adore you, you know that," I said, as I opened the front door, Sean nestled securely in my arms and Ollie trailing close behind. "But you're 11—"

"I'll be 12 in two months. It's not fucking fair."

"But I'm your big sister," I continued, my voice softening. "And part of my job is to take care of you. . I can't have you tagging along and getting caught up in things that might reach Mam's ears."

"I don't give a shit what Mam thinks," Tadhg shot back, setting the shopping bags down on the kitchen table with a thud. "I just," he hesitated, his voice cracking slightly, "don't like being home alone... without you."

Jesus fucking Christ.

I sighed, gently placing Sean in his high chair, giving him a sippy cup of apple juice. Then I sent Ollie off to gather the scattered Legos he had left strewn across the living room floor, leaving me alone with my little brother.

"Don't talk about Mam like that, okay?" I said, crouching down to meet his eye level. His face was a mixture of sadness and frustration, and it broke my heart to see him like this. "This heart," I placed my hand over his chest, right where his heart beat, "is too good to hold onto resentment and hatred."

"She doesn't treat you fucking right. She talks down to you and never thanks you for everything you do. You keep Da out of the house and out of her bed, Shannon's at Tommen because of you, Joey's better off because of you—"

"And I do all that because it's the right thing to do, not because I expect anything in return. Your safety is my priority. Your education is my priority. I take care of you because I want to, because I love you. The life we've been given is shit, the parents we've been given are shit, but if there's one good thing that's come out of all this, it's you. Joey, Shan, Ollie, Seany, and you are the most important people in my life, above everything and everyone. I'll always take care of you."

"And who takes care of you?" Tadhg asked me, his fists clenched tightly at his sides and his eyes brimming with angry tears. "Why don't you let Joey take care of you?"

"Because Joey has a lot on his plate already, and despite his complaints, I'm still his older sister. So I take care of him," I said, ruffling his hair as I stood up. "Now, go upstairs and wash up, and scrub yourself good because you stink."

"I can cook, you know? I can take care of them too."

I fought back the urge to laugh and continued putting groceries away in the cabinets and fridge. If there was one person who made me uncomfortable in this house, it was my mother. I didn't like being alone with her. Her constant snubs and dirty looks, especially when she caught me on a bad day, tested my patience. I tried to keep the peace for my siblings' sake, but she delighted in pushing my buttons. She knew I wouldn't lash out if Joey was around, so she took advantage of dinner to not-so-subtly remind me how undesirable and insignificant I was to her and this family.

And now, she was three months pregnant, which only added to my worries. I didn't want to upset her, especially since I was concerned about the baby she was carrying.

"Go ahead and be my fucking guest," I said, pointing to the stove as I poured myself a glass of water. "You've got the cabinets, freezer, and fridge full. Da's not home and won't be back anytime soon. Joey and Shan will be home soon. Sean's baby food is in the fridge if you're interested. Ollie's doing his homework, and Tadhg's in the shower—"