Needing 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

THIS HOUSE IS A DEATH TRAP (LITERALLY)

TARA

"Hey, Granda. How's everything up there? I bet you're over the moon finally meeting John, Paul, George, and Ringo after all these years."

A soft breeze stirred the air, brushing lightly against my cheek, and I closed my eyes, letting it wash over me like an embrace. I smiled, taking it as his answer.

"Nanny misses you, you know," I said, my voice softening, "even if she doesn't come out and say it. She spends half her time giving out about you for dying of pneumonia, and the other half staring at old photo albums of the two of you when you were young. By the way, that Freddie Mercury hair you had? It looked shite on you. Honestly, you looked like a bleeding mushroom." I laughed lightly, the sound small in the quiet of the cemetery. "Did you really think you'd win Nanny over looking like that?"

I knelt down, brushing a stray leaf from the base of the headstone, the coolness of the stone grounding me. I hadn't planned to visit, not after the fight with Darren, but something about being here felt right—like I needed this moment, this connection with him.

My smile faded as I thought of Aiden, my heart clenching painfully in my chest. "How... how's Aiden, Granda?" My voice cracked as I asked, my fingers still resting on the stone. "How's my little dragon? Is he happy?" A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed hard, trying to keep the emotion at bay. "He was supposed to be... happy. Happy and loved." A tear slipped down my cheek. "Have you met him? I hope you have, because I didn't get the chance."

I blinked away the moisture gathering in my eyes, but the pain lingered, deep and raw. "I guess you already know, but Joey... Joey's having a kid. Your Joseph is going to be a dad, and he's naming him after you. Anthony Joseph Lynch. AJ." I bit my lip, trying to steady my breath. "Like Aiden. Joey's gonna be a great dad, I know he will. And I'm trying, Granda. I'm trying to be happy for him and Aoife. But part of me—the selfish part—feels miserable." I wiped at my eyes quickly, as if that could stop the flood of emotions. "Darren's right. I am selfish. If I can't help but see Aiden in Sean sometimes, how am I supposed to look at my future godson?"

A bitter laugh escaped my lips. "And Darren... after six fucking years, he decides to show hisfucking face again, expecting everyone to just welcome him with open arms. Shannon, Tadhg, Ollie, Sean—they're supposed to just take his word for it. But then he calls Joey irrelevant, like he's nothing more than a junkie." My hands clenched into fists, anger bubbling beneath the surface. "I don't give a shite what Darren thinks of me. He's always been a coward to me, but Joey... Joey'll probably forgive him eventually. That's just who he is. Him leaving hurt Joey more than it ever hurt me. I guess I got Nanny's knack for holding grudges. I can and will move on without forgiving him. Is it healthy? Probably not, but none of us have healthy coping mechanisms, so fuck him."

The weight of missing Granda settled on me heavier than I liked to admit. He had always been my safe place, my rock when the world around me became too suffocating to bear.

"I'm running out of time, Granda. Someone's coming for me, and I don't know who. I'm missing something, overlooking someone, but I can't figure out who it is. There's only eight people who know about Aiden. Only eight. I'm not ready to tell them, but if I don't... whoever's after me will. And trust me, Granda, it won't be pretty when they do. Shite's about to hit the fan, and I don't know how to stop it. I wish I could care less, but I don't know how."

The feeling of helplessness gnawed at me, twisting deep in my gut, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see a way out. Deep down, I knew how this would end—I'd always known.

"I wish I didn't love Jonathan," I murmured, my fingers brushing against the small necklace hanging around my neck. "I wish I didn't, because I don't like what it means for me." My throat tightened, and I struggled to find the words. "It means I can lose him now... and I don't think I'm strong enough for that."