Needing 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

PRETTY FACE, DIRTY THOUGHTS

JOHNNY

"Heeyyyy," my girlfriend exclaimed. She patted the grass beneath her like it was a loyal dog, a silly grin spreading across her face. "Nice yard, Jonathan."

"What are you doing here?"

"I, uh, was just passing by," she replied, her voice attempting to sound casual, though I could sense the undercurrent of nerves tinging her words. "And I thought, 'Hey, my hot, handsome boyfriend lives here, why not drop in and say hi?' And so, here I am. Surprise."

Hot and handsome?

Yeah, right.

Tara would never use those words to describe me.

The absurdity of it made me smile despite myself.

"What are ya doing on the ground, love?" my mother interjected, her voice laced with genuine concern as she peered at the scene unfolding before us.

Before Tara could respond, Bonnie and Cupcake came barreling toward her, their tails wagging wildly and tongues lolling. Her eyes widened in sheer panic, and she sprang to her feet, her expression shifting from calm to chaos in an instant.

"Bloody fucking hell!" she screamed, springing up like a jack-in-the-box. "Somebody get these bloody mutts!" she yelled, fury and desperation radiating off her in waves. "Johnny, I swear to God, if you don't grab them, we're fucking done!"

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"If by seeing, you mean watching your girlfriend leg it with Bonnie and Cupcake chasing after her, then yeah," Dad replied, equally astonished as he watched the scene unfold. "Fucking hell, Fintan wasn't lying when he said that one runs like the wind."

"Johnny!" Tara growled, her voice filled with the kind of threat only a woman scorned could muster. "I'm gonna kill you, ya hear me? Get these damn dogs!"

I cupped my hands around my mouth like a megaphone. "They're not mine, baby! They're my ma's!" I shouted back, laughter bubbling up.

"Why's this suddenly my fault?" my mother huffed, crossing her arms and looking indignant.

"Bonnie and Cupcake are yours," I shrugged, the grin never leaving my face. "Sookie's mine."

"Are ya trying to tell me something, Jonathan? What's wrong with Bonnie and Cupcake?"

"Isn't anyone gonna do something?" Tara's shriek echoed around the yard, mixing exasperation with a hint of fear.

"That over there," I said, pointing emphatically, "your dogs are chasing my girlfriend around the place. Your dogs, your problem."

"Your dogs, your problem," Mom mimicked me, her tone dripping with sass. "Your girlfriend, your problem."

"Burn," Dad chuckled, a smirk tugging at his lips "You want some cream for that, son? Maybe some lube?"

"Jesus Christ, Da!" I choked out, mortified. "Was that necessary?"

Dad had walked in on me, rubbing one out earlier this afternoon. The eejit had nearly keeled over from laughing and called my mother, who rushed upstairs, almost in tears from excitement. Apparently, my newfound ability to handle myself without pain was a milestone worth celebrating in their eyes.

"JOHNNY ROBERT KAVANAGH JR! GET OVER HERE AND STOP THESE FUCKING DOGS, OR WE'RE NEVER – DO YOU HEAR ME? – EVER HAVING SEX!"

Dad whistled in amazement, his eyes wide. "She's got you there, son."

"John Kavanagh!" my mother slapped him. "Shut up or there'll be no sex for you!"

Shaking my head in disbelief, I jogged over to where Tara was still dodging Bonnie and Cupcake. Just as she sprinted past me, I acted quickly, grabbing her around the waist and hoisting her over my shoulder like a sack of spuds, eliciting a surprised squeal from her.