Needing 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

IT IS A TRUTH UNIVERSALLY ACKNOWLEDGED

TARA

Things had been, for lack of a better word, awkward.

Joey, Shannon, and Tadhg were avoiding me, plain as day. They'd huddle together, whispering under their breaths, but the moment they saw me, they'd clam up, acting like they hadn't just been talking behind my back. To be honest, it was starting to piss me off something fierce. My mam had gone from giving me her usual cold, condescending looks to not even glancing my way. Then there was Darren, who looked at me as if my very presence in the house was some kind of personal offense, like he was shocked I hadn't been carted off to the asylum by now. But that wasn't anything new.

Ollie, at least, wasn't ignoring me outright, but he seemed... off. He looked bewildered, as if he couldn't quite grasp why there was this sudden 'break' in the family dynamics. Sometimes I'd catch him sneaking glances at me, his face clouded with apprehension—maybe even a trace of fear. That one stung more than I cared to admit.

The only one who still treated me like I was human was Sean. He was too young to fully understand what had gone down, so to him, I was still just his big sister. He didn't avoid me like the plague, unlike the rest of them. So we spent loads of time together, watching cartoons on the couch, playing with his Bob the Builder toys, and painting whatever random things came to mind. Sometimes we'd go to the park, just the two of us, kicking a ball around until we were out of breath.

I hadn't told anyone about the breakup with Jonathan. Then again, judging by the pitying looks Shannon kept throwing my way, she must have sussed it out on her own. My boy... ex and she were best friends, after all.

Breakups were... odd. At least they were to me. I'd never been in a relationship before, so this whole breakup concept was new territory. How was I supposed to feel about it? Sad? Angry? Bitter? I thought back to when Aoife and Joey broke up last New Year's. She'd gone full cliché: crying her eyes out, drowning her sorrows in ice cream, and watching The Notebook. She'd alternated between ranting about him and then crying again, swearing she didn't hate him but loved him too much.

I'd tried to follow her lead—gave it a proper go, even. But it hadn't worked. I couldn't even make it through The Notebook, hadn't shed a single fucking tear. So there I was, a bit lost about how to handle it. I'd tried turning to books for some guidance—self-help, psychology, anything cheap that might offer a clue. But, of course, I came up empty-handed.

So, I did what I knew best—I ran. Literally. I spent hours pounding the athletics track, focusing on hitting my marks, controlling my breathing, feeling the ground beneath my trainers. Anything to drown out the noise in my head and concentrate on something real, something I could actually control.

Then there was studying. The Leaving Cert was creeping closer every day, and if I didn't pull myself together, I'd run out of time. Darragh, Erin, and I started camping out in the only public library near BCS that stayed open twenty-four hours. Sometimes we'd even stay overnight, ordering takeaways and everything.

Today, though, I had a different plan in mind. Shannon was off with Conrad, Joey and Aoife had some doctor's appointment, and Tadhg was off to the cinema with his friends. Ollie and Sean were spending the day with Nanny, which meant I was left to my own devices. No way was I staying home with Mam and Darren, and I definitely wasn't about to be the third wheel on Darragh and Erin's date. Love them as I do, they're downright insufferable when they start acting all lovey-dovey.

So, today was going to be a 'me' day.

I've always liked spending time on my own. It gave me a chance to sort through the mess in my head. Maybe I'd hit the library and lose myself in a book, or plug in my headphones, hit play on a playlist, and just wander the streets without any particular destination. The beauty of it was that I could do all of that because I wanted to—not because someone told me I had to.