Needing 13 - Johnny Kavanagh

I ONLY LIE WHEN I LOVE YOU

TARA

"What the fuck am I looking at?" I blurted out, my voice sharper than intended. My eyes flickered back and forth across the screen, struggling to comprehend the mess of dates, notes, and highlighted scribbles. "What are all these bloody dates?"

I had been staring at the calendar for over half an hour, and July and August were a chaotic blur of competitions and commitments. The boxes on the screen were crammed with so much writing that my head was starting to spin.

"This is madness!" I snapped, barely able to contain my frustration. "You expect me to do two more competitions on top of the European U20s? I'm only eighteen!" I let out a laugh, more incredulous than amused. "This is my first shot at the European level, and now you want to throw me into the World Athletics Championship too? You're all cracked!"

Fintan, sitting across from me with his arms crossed, didn't flinch. His calm, steady gaze was infuriating. "We trust you," he said smoothly, as though he'd seen this reaction coming a mile away. "The whole team trusts you. We want you there. They want you there."

"I'd be away for most of the summer."

EUROPEAN ATHLETICS U23 CHAMPIONSHIP ~ 14 - 17 July (Erfurt, Germany)

EUROPEAN ATHLETICS U20 CHAMPIONSHIP ~ 21 - 24 July (Kaunas, Lithuania)

WORLD ATHLETICS CHAMPIONSHIP ~ 6 - 14 August (Helsinki, Finland)

"U23 is literally a week before U20." I shot him a dubious glance. "Can I even do both?"

"Technically, you could," Coach replied, nodding. "We don't usually swap the entire team out between events."

I leaned forward, narrowing my eyes at the calendar again. "And when would I have to travel?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. "The 10th? I'm assuming there'll be some training camp days too?"

Saoirse, sitting quietly until now, offered me a sympathetic smile. "We'll leave you a couple of hours for sightseeing," she said gently, trying to ease my anxiety. "Tara, we love you, yeah? We've been thinking about this for months. You might be the youngest athlete—"

Not helping, I thought, suppressing a groan.

"—but you've got the talent. You've got more raw talent than anyone out there," she continued, her voice soft but insistent. "We're here to help you, and nobody expects you to snag a gold on your first go."

I shook my head, feeling a headache start to form. "Does John know about this?" I asked, my voice strained as I rubbed my temples.

Fintan nodded. "Yes," he said, his expression unwavering. "And before you ask, he said the decision's entirely up to you. But... he reckons you can do it."

I closed my eyes, massaging my temples as I tried to gather my thoughts. It was overwhelming, suffocating. Why did everyone have to trust me so much?

"So... am I already signed up, or do I still have a choice?" I asked, my voice cracking just a little.

Coach winced, looking guilty. "A bit of both," he admitted. "It's easier to back out of the competition now than to sign up at the last minute."

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

I leaned back in my chair, feeling utterly drained. "Right," I nodded stiffly. "Can I go now?"

"Of course," Fintan replied, his voice softening. "And Tara... if you don't feel up to it, just tell us. No one's going to hold it against you."

I jerkily nodded, grabbed my sports bag from the floor, and stormed out of the room, my steps quick and determined. I needed to escape. All I wanted was to get home, flop onto the couch, and bury myself under a blanket. Lately, the only way I could deal with the constant—especially with Dam breathing down my neck—was to take a sleeping pill just to shut my brain off for a while.