Vie d'une adolescente déprimée

For my real friends

With my bad English, I'll write that chapter for you all. Those « discord s friends » who did way more than all of my « irl friends ».
I am lost. So lost. I didn't tell that to a lot of people. But some know, some knew. Some helped, a lot (especially Z and B).
But I'm stubborn, and i am really sorry about it. I don't really want to die, but I have to. I just want to disappear, then spawn again, when my life will be less painful and stressful. I m tired of feeling my chest so heavy, so painful... my itchy eyes...
And today, I'm crying again, all alone...
And tonight I will also cry, in the darkness of my room...
But it's okay, it's not that dramatic because I deserve that. And I deserve death...
Some weeks or months ago, I had a big argument with my best friend (that I named here Mathéo), and he finally admits that it was tiring to always have to help me...
It was painful, and it will be painful forever.
But it's my fault... and everytime I think about it i feel so bad ... I'm so sorry M... he can't imagine ..
I just feel like a fcking clown...
And I felt like that my whole life ... I m just a clown, a ridiculous clown...
Some days ago mom told me she will die soon. I think it's my fault because I'm stressful. And stress make her feel sick. I feel like I'm killing her.
So i think about stop fighting and killing myself.
Every night, im scared that I'll have a new panic attack. And I know I won't survivre the next one...