Losing Control || Bakugo x OC

chapter thirteen: hello again

Lexi

do you know this feeling ...

when the night sky isn't shining anymore?

I look up,

searching,

but the stars aren't there ...

the darkness feels heavier and all I can feel is this coldness

I can't help but yearn for those missing stars that once made my world a little brighter

***

I placed the pen I was using down and looked back on the words that I had written, reflecting over them. I remembered that my therapist told me to try writing down my feelings when I wasn't feeling like myself, but I always thought that writing down my feelings were pointless.

So why am I doing this now?

I chucked the notebook to the side and picked back up my phone to do more mindless scrolling. It seemed like that was the only thing that I could do now a days. It had been weeks since I saw the messages from Bakugo's phone. I shouldn't have been upset at them, but I was. I was mad at him for causing me to fall for his trap. I was mad at that bitch for provoking me. But the biggest person I was mad at was myself for falling so hard for a boy I barely knew anything about. I didn't want to see him, hear him, or even think about him.

But he was always on my mind.

I couldn't help but remember the moments we spent together:

our date...

that night we kissed...

the arcade...

Every little thing around me reminded me of him.

I could feel myself getting upset again like the night we had our argument. The rage was slowly creeping into every nerve in my body. The emptiness I felt came was slowly scrambling as well. I could feel myself slipping back into that dark place I had to claw my way out of. I tried my best to distract my mind when I felt like that. I hung out with the girls, tried to work on assignments for classes, even attempted to go for walks around campus.

But it seemed like everything I tried to do wasn't working.

I was falling back into an abyss of darkness.

I hadn't felt like this since –

No.

The more I slipped, the more my body started to react. My body became shaky, visibly seeing my hand move slightly. My hands clammy, heart rate increasing. My breathing was getting harder to do the more my thoughts lingered.

Oh no.

I placed my hand over my chest, trying to force myself to relax. I thought about the things that brought me joy in my life.

My parents.

My friends.

Bak—

No. Not him.

Damnit. It's not working.

It seemed like everything that brought me joy into my life caused my anxiousness to rattle more, increasing the familiar feeling that I was feeling. My body trembled more, this time seeing my hand shaking harder than before. The feeling of someone choking me, closing the air from my body from releasing, became more prominent. I knew that I was all alone inside my room, but the feeling made it difficult to believe that. I got out of my bed and looked at myself in the mirror, hoping that if I looked at myself, I could calm down. As I stood in the mirror, I could see the color of my face was drained like I had seen a ghost. The sight of it scared me more now that I had a visible representation. My breathing got harder, only allowing myself to take short, gaspish breaths. I slumped my back along the mirror, hitting the floor. I closed my eyes, wanting all of this to go away.

Please. Please stop.

Tears burst through my closed eyelids the more I pleaded.

Please. Stop.

"If you ever feel yourself going back there, you better come to me. I don't care when it is or how tired I am, you come to me, got it? ... I don't care that you're 'fine'. You still come to me if you feel that again. Ok? I don't want to hear that you feel yourself being dragged back to that place again ..."

The more I thought about his words, the more I felt my body relaxed. My breathing slowly started to regulate again, and I could feel my heart rate going back to normal. I took a few deep breaths, reassuring myself that I was okay now. I opened my eyes again and laid my head towards the mirror.

I can't believe that helped.

I can't believe he helped me.

Normally, when my panic attacks happened, the thought of me leaving home helped calm me down, but now that I was away from home, it wasn't my safety net anymore. Somehow, Bakugo's words from that night helped calm me. His words reminded me of the feeling of being seen, like I wasn't alone anymore to handle the big things in life. It reminded me that despite what he did to me, he was still a person who I could trust.

He was my star.

I managed to get up from off the floor and grabbed my keys. My body began to move on its own, guiding me to the elevator and hitting the floor button that his apartment was on. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but I was hoping for it. When I reached his door and knocked, I instantly regretted it.

This is stupid. God, I'm stupid.

Just before I was about to leave, the door opened.

My eyes locked onto his.

I stood there, frozen in front of him. I couldn't bring myself to give a pep talk to talk myself from making an excuse and walking away. The numerous times that my heart lend me to get hurt, this was the one time where it felt right. Like I should be doing this.

As much as I didn't want to listen, I knew that in my heart, this was the right thing to do.

I cleared my throat of the cobwebs that formed inside, making sure that my voice wasn't shaky still from the lack of air I was feeling earlier. I took in a deep breath.

"I feel myself going back ... Can I come in?"

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A/N

I'm finna get "Baxi" back on track y'all 🥰 i promise! I think Bakugo learned his lesson 😭🥹

p.s. y'all like my couple name for them ? 🤭 'baxi' sounded better than 'lexugo'