Pandora's Box

25 - The test

25 - THE TEST

That night, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. Stephen is snoring lightly beside me. 

He came home just an hour after me and he told me that the seminar was a success. He immediately noticed my distant mood and asked me if anything's wrong. Now I can't exactly tell him what my mother said, can I? So I lied and told him it was nothing.

But it's not just 'nothing'.  It's a pest. It is something that was planted in my mind and now, it's eating me alive. I hate that I can't stop thinking about what my mother said. I hate that I'm losing sleep because of it. I hate that I'm doubting Stephen. I hate that I don't know what to do.

Oh, sunshine. What am I gonna do?

I sighed and forced myself to sleep. Staying up late is surely not good for the baby. I closed my eyes, hoping that some sort of answer will come the next day.

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But the answer I was hoping for did not come the next day. Or the day after. Or the day after that. It has been almost a week, and I still can't forget what my mother said. And Stephen is starting to get worried.

It was a gloomy afternoon and there are dark clouds in the sky. Stephen is in the library, obviously working. And I'm sitting on the porch, still thinking about my mother's goddamned words. I'm seriously getting tired thinking of this again and again and again. It's fucking frustrating. It has affected my mood all week. I'm more irritable and snappy, thanks to my mother's words of wisdom. It surely has brought me anything but wisdom.

I sighed heavily and looked down on my tummy and I gently caressed my baby bump. I'm now 8 months and I can't help but smile at the thought that I only need to endure one month more before I get to see my baby.

I started buying and reading books about maternity and how to be a mother. I spent hours and hours reading them and I can say that I've learned a lot. I can't wait to be a mother. And when I do, I will make sure that my baby will get everything he/she needs. From the material things down to mother's love.  I'll make sure of it.

But then, the smile on my face was wiped away when I remembered my problems. I sighed heavily and just went inside. I grabbed one of the books about parenting that was just lying around and opened it on the page I last stopped reading. But no matter what I do, nothing registers in my mind. I've been reading the past sentence for quite a time now and I can already feel my frustration going up. I decided to stop before I do anything to the book that I will regret.

I headed to the library to see if Stephen can help me get my mind off things. He does it the best. I opened the door and peeked in, seeing Stephen's hand flying over the keyboard of his laptop. I opened the door wider and stepped in. 

"Hey." I said.

Stephen stopped what he was doing and gave me a forced smile. I can tell he was feeling quite irritated with me disturbing him while working. But he was trying to hold it back so we don't have a repeat of me going pulling the plug of his laptop.

"You need anything babe?" He asked me, sighing heavily and removing his glasses.

I felt more down, if that was even possible. I felt like a nuisance. Maybe I am a nuisance. 

'Just let me finish this and I promise to give you all my attention, that you will get sick of me.'

I heard his promise echo in my head. And I desperately held on to that promise as I spoke the next words that came out of my mouth.