It's already been months since I've spent the last day here, at my first home, where most of my memories were made. I feel like things are changing, and I can only hope for the better, and this hit me when I would just take some time, alone, in silence, and look around my room.
Since I'm alone most of the time these days, I have plenty of time to reflect on different things, to look around the memories I kept for years from other people, who are or aren't any more part of my life.
I found a box where I carefully kept everything, from gifts to tickets to a movie, from better to worse times. Accidentally, I found the sketchbook of the dresses I used to draw years ago, and since Evelyn is waiting for me to come back to Barcelona to start working, it would be a better start if I would show her some ideas.
I grabbed a new notebook where I could redo some dresses and come up with new ideas, besides the old one, and I headed to the backyard where no one would disturb me from doing my work.
As I was looking through the old sketchbook, a note fell down on the grass, without noticing at first what could it be, so I grabbed it and tried to see what it was. As I was reading the first lines of it, I remembered a note Rapha gave me for my birthday years ago.
"October's Very Own, because this month is always going to start with its dearest girl.
It's like you were chosen to make the sun jealous in those barely warm days of mid-fall with your smile, that warms the whole life around it.
Just like when you entered my world, and everything made sense.
For the 18th time in a row, you're reminded how special you are for those who love you. Happy birthday, my dear. I wish you all the best this Universe has to offer you, to be filled with the love you also give others, to feel unstoppable, because I know that you're holding superpowers that I never saw in others, and you're capable of changing lives.
I want to thank you for being the only hope I have left in this world for kind people, for reminding me what it's like to fight for something that you believe in, for never giving up on me, and always believing in me when I felt my whole world falling apart.
You're a blessing in everyone's lives."
My eyes were full of tears while reading this, as I remembered perfectly that day. While my house was filled with everyone I knew, and yet he was the only one absent, I sneaked to my bedroom, needing a moment alone to get myself together, when I noticed a pale pink envelope on the pillow, and as I read it, someone sat right next to me on the edge of the bed, whispering "You think I would miss this special day?", being Rapha, who showed up when I least expected, being able to just kiss him and hug him, before he got out a little box, that he handed me to open, where I found a beautiful diamond necklace shining even in the dark. "Something that beautiful should be on someone worthy of its beauty." he said, as I was standing in front of the mirror while trying it on.
I couldn't stop crying, thinking about the fact that he's speaking to me from the grave, that even though it's been two years since his death and from everything he did to make sure I would never forget him. For a while I kept dreaming of him, I wake up in the middle of the night, crying, beside the man I love because the guy from the past is haunting me. As much as I tried to let go of those dark times, they keep making my life a burden.
I never went to his grave, I couldn't, because I'm aware that he took a part of me with him, a part that I'll never get back, and honestly, I wish I wouldn't. He took with him all the answers I needed to understand all the pain that he left on me for the past years. Maybe he's free now, God knows what happened to his soul, but he got his chance to escape from the pain that I got stuck with.
Is it fair to be upset with a dead man? Is it fair that an innocent man is paying the price for his actions? Is it fair that I have to wake up every morning with his voice in my mind?
I had to find the courage, deep down, to face the reality and to go there. And it's only fair to try at least. Maybe that's all he ever wanted.
So I tried to follow his last wish, and as soon as I stepped into that graveyard I felt a guilt I never did before. I found his tombstone, and I couldn't do anything, but to stare at his name written on it for a moment.
"Do you like it? That's what you wanted to happen to you, your family, and me? That was your plan? I thought I knew you better, dear. I'm deeply sorry that you had to be here, alone. But you never asked for help, you did some things that only you and God knew about. I know you're listening to me from wherever you might be, and I beg you to let me go. I forgive you for everything. I know, and always knew, that you were a good person, who just happened to slip in a dark place. Believe me when I say that I hate to see what I have to see now, especially for someone who once used to make plans for his future with me. I know we made some promises to each other, but Rapha, it's time to let me go. If you really loved me, let me be happy with him. It was never meant to replace you, or our relationship. With him, it just happened. And he made me feel like no one else did, just like you once. There's nothing to be replaced. And you can trust him to take good care of me, he's an amazing person, who loves me from the bottom of my heart, even if it's possible to love someone as much as he loves me, and like I love him. That's all I'm asking you. Let me live happily with him. I'm sorry for what happened to you, to us. I don't hate you anymore, I just want to move on with my life, I want you to move on, too. It's time, Rapha. I hope you finally found the peace you needed, and rest your soul that held too much pain. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you, maybe that's what you wanted, to be here for you one last time. But trust me, it wasn't easy to find out what happened that day when I saw everyone at your door." I said through the tears that I had no idea would burst out the moment I would open my mouth to give him some last words, while also trying to process some repressed feelings. I was trying to find a good spot where I could leave the letter I found earlier because that belonged to him, and as I got up from where I just sat, I whispered "Goodbye, my first love. You were one of a kind, good or bad, that I would never try to replace."
On my way back to the car, I could feel some raindrops stopping on my skin, and I simply looked at the sky, seeing some rays of sunshine trying to assure me that I was heard.
While getting inside, since I was still in the parking lot, I needed to hear Pedri's voice. So I grabbed my phone, without considering that he might be busy, and leaving aside the ego.
"Babe," he said, picking up the phone instantly, with no hesitation.
"I just wanted to hear your voice and say that I love you. Promise me you won't ever leave me, please, don't leave me." I said through the tears, trying to control my voice.
"You know that you're my everything, I would do anything for you, but never leave you. That would mean that I'd give up on my soul." Pedri said, genuinely.
"I think I'll come back tomorrow, I don't want to be there alone, without you." I said.
"I'm waiting for you, babe. I miss you too here." Pedri said, and after he noticed that I was still quiet, he dared to ask gently "Why are you crying? Did something happen?".
"Let's say I finally found the courage to do something I should've done long ago." I told him, quietly.
"Look, I'm sorry for acting so childish." Pedri continued, feeling like he wanted to explain himself.
"Pedri, nothing happened." I said, trying to leave behind what happened these days.
"Still, I just want to apologize for what I did, leaving you like that and upset." he insisted, feeling genuinely sorry from his voice.
"I'm sorry too for making assumptions." I said, leaving a moment of silence behind my words.
"Babe, I'm sorry that I can't stay more with you over the phone, I'm in a bit of a rush; I have to go back to train and I promise I will call you on my way back home." Pedri said, hearing him opening the door.
"Don't worry, love. We can talk later. I have to go back home too." I said, turning on my car.
"Please, take care of yourself and drive safe. I love you." he said, doing the same thing as me.
"I love you too, and be safe." I told him, closing the call as I was ready to go back home and sit alone with my thoughts.
