𝐒𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐔𝐍𝐂𝐇

#.. TWENTY-SEVEN

"Hi guys.

This letter will go to Seungmin, Jungsu, Jooyeon, Hyeongjun and Jiseok. I'm not sure if you know my handwriting but it's Gunil. (Yes, I copied that exact letter 5 times for yall okay.)

I feel like I owe an explanation to you guys. And I know you are the ones who know about everything.

(My therapist suggested me to do that after she cleared up the emotional tornado inside me lol)

I'm not trying to gain your pity or make it seem like it's an excuse for my behavior, I just want you to know what I'm feeling at the moment.

As you guys know, I tried killing myself. You know why? My dad beat me up. Again. I'm pretty sure you guys know that my dad is crazy abusive towards me.

Which is a reason why I act the way I do. Ever since I'm a small kid I'm worried about hiding bruises or finding excuses for them, so it wont seem like my dad hits me.

It wasn't that often before, he mostly just ignored and neglected my needs completely. Of course, I still had my mom. But she was working 24/7, trusting her husband to take care of me...

Hence my insane search of validation and love. I don't know what love is. So I don't know if I ever fell in love before.

I was interested in Jiseok at first. Jiseok, darling, you are the prettiest boy I've ever laid my eyes on. I didn't know what you were like, so I tried to imagine your personality.

In my definition, I was in love with you. Interest, attraction, everything. Then the thing at Jungsu's party happened.

I felt like everything happened not because you were interested in me, but because you were too drunk to even notice who you were making out with.

So I tried to forget you. And asked Seungmin to kiss me. Once again, same mistake.

Whenever I receive attention, I get attached. So I kinda fell for Seungmin, which I thought was love again.

And as a result, I started neglecting Jiseok. I feel so incredibly sorry, though I know that a simple sorry wont change the fact Jiseok almost died, trying to fit into the person I might like.

The truth is, I've always liked you, Jiseok. And to regulate my feelings, I asked you out. Because I knew you still love me. Even after all the harm I've done to you.

You've always been beautiful. You've always been funny. And now that we're together, I'm keen on focussing on you and just you.

I'm ready to fall in love with you, because I know you're the sweetest boyfriend one could ask for.

But you don't deserve me. Because you are way better than I am.

I receive the help I needed now, and I'm learning ways to brush away any bad behavior I picked up from my father.

I understand if you're mad at me, Jiseok. But please know that I tried to get better. Really.

And for the rest. I know you're mad at me. Jungsu, the punch was really necessary. Thank you for making me wake up from my delusions.

I also want to apologize to Seungmin. Bro, I know I made things weird between us. I know you found out about my feelings even before I wrote this damn letter.

It was noticeable how you became more uncomfortable around me. I hope it'll resolve in the near future, because I lost any romantic interest I ever had in you.

I don't want to lose our friendship because of shit like that. You're the only true friend I still have.

As you're reading this, I'm hopefully dead. Sneaked into the school at night to put these letters in your lockers.

Can't exactly tell you how I'm planning to end it all, but I feel like it's for the best. I made all of you suffer.

And I suffered, too. People always say "Mental health matters!" but are quick to blame someone when they're not the victim in a situation.

Once again, not trying to gain your pity or anything. But I did all this while my brain basically barely functioned the way I wanted it to.

So either I'm dead by now, finally finishing the suffering for all of us. Or I survived, again. Which I don't hope.

I just want to finally be at peace. And I believe that's what you guys would want to, as well.

Sincerely yours,
Gunil."