Mixed Up | Yeonbin

11. running thoughts

As the days passed, Yeonjun seemed to drift further from the group. It wasn't something abrupt, just a gradual shift.

Yuna kept asking him to hang out, to which Yeonjun always agreed, and before long, his free time became absorbed by her.

Their group gatherings were fewer, and even when they happened, Yeonjun often showed up late or had to leave early.

Surprisingly, Soobin didn't dwell on it much. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, or maybe he was just tired of thinking about Yeonjun and Yuna. Either way, he found himself spending more time with Hueningkai and Hyunjin instead.

Hyunjin turned out to be a decent guy—laid-back, funny, and surprisingly insightful. It wasn't long before Hyunjin introduced Soobin to his twin sister, Yeji.

The resemblance between them was striking, but while Hyunjin was outgoing and easygoing, Yeji was quieter, more introspective.

They clicked almost instantly.

One afternoon, Soobin and Yeji found themselves at a small, cozy café near campus. It had become a bit of a routine for them—sharing recommendations, discussing plot twists, and diving into deep conversations about their favorite books.

Today was no different.

"So, did you finish that book I lent you?" Yeji asked, taking a sip of her matcha latte.

Soobin nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Yeah, I couldn't put it down. The way the author described the main lead struggle was... I don't know, it just felt real."

Yeji's eyes lit up. "I know, right? It's like you can feel everything they're going through, even if it's something you've never experienced yourself."

Their conversation flowed naturally from one topic to another, the books they loved providing a safe space for them to express themselves.

But as the talk of fictional worlds began to fade, the conversation took a more personal turn.

"Soobin," Yeji began, her voice softer now, "do you ever find yourself... getting lost in someone else's life? Like, you're trying to distract yourself from your own thoughts, so you focus on them instead?"

Soobin's heart skipped a beat. It was as if Yeji had pulled the words straight out of his head. He nodded, feeling it was a familiar situation to what he's dealing with right now.

"Yeah," he admitted. "I've been trying to avoid thinking about... certain things by keeping myself busy. But it's like, no matter what I do, the thoughts keep creeping back in."

Yeji gave him a knowing look. "I get it. Sometimes it's easier to get lost in someone else's life than to face your own feelings. Like... you're afraid of what you might find if you really let yourself think about it."

Soobin's gaze dropped to his hands. "Yeah... something like that."

There was a moment of silence between them, the air thick with shared understanding. Then, Yeji spoke again, her tone even quieter.

"I've been doing the same thing, honestly," she confessed. "There's this girl I... really like. But she's with someone else now, and it's been... hard, to say the least."

A girl? Oh—

Soobin looked up, surprised. "I didn't know you..."

Yeji chuckled softly. "Yeah, well, it's not something I talk about much. But seeing her with someone else... it's like a constant reminder that she's not mine. I've been trying to distract myself, but it's not really working."

Soobin furrowed his eyebrows, getting a hint that he might know the person she's referring to.

"It's Yuna, isn't it?"

Yeji's eyes widened slightly, then she sighed, a sad smile on her lips. "Yeah, it is. I've liked her for a long time. But now... she's with Yeonjun."

Soobin didn't know what to say. His mind was racing, trying to process everything.

If what Yeji is feeling for Yuna is because she likes her—like, really likes her—then what did that mean for him? Does he feel the same way about Yeonjun?

He'd always known he wasn't as interested in dating girls as some of his friends back home. He'd dated a couple of girls in high school, but it had never felt... right.

It was always the girls who confessed first, and he went along with it, thinking maybe he just hadn't found the right one yet. But it never lasted long, and he was always relieved when it ended.

But this? This was different. What he felt for Yeonjun was different. The thought made his heart pound with nervousness and confusion.

Could he really like Yeonjun... romantically?

"Guess we're both in the same boat," Soobin murmured, though his mind was miles away now.

Yeji nodded, her expression thoughtful. "Yeah, I guess we are. It's not easy, but... maybe talking about it helps?"

Soobin managed a small smile, but it felt forced. "Yeah, it does," he replied, though he wasn't sure if it really did. If anything, it just left him with more questions than answers.

As they finished their drinks and parted ways, Soobin's thoughts were running endlessly.

He'd spent so long trying to fit into the mold his conservative upbringing had carved for him, never questioning why it never quite fit.

But now, with every passing day, it felt like that mold was cracking, revealing something he wasn't sure he was ready to face.

As he walked back to his dorm, his mind kept circling back to the same question, over and over:

Am I... gay?

____________

a.n.

He's so clueless.... Smh 😔🫶