training wheels. // evan 'buck' buckley

xvii. i'm not going anywhere

the morning sunlight filtered through the blinds, casting soft, golden rays across the room. buck was still fast asleep, his arms wrapped securely around me as i lay curled against his chest. his breathing was slow and steady, his eyes still closed in blissful unawareness of the world around him. his face looked peaceful, almost serene, with no trace of the turmoil that had filled the night before.

but i wasn't peaceful. my mind raced as i slowly blinked awake, the events of last night swirling in my thoughts like a hazy dream. the warmth of buck's body against mine, the steady rise and fall of his chest under my hand - it all felt too intimate, too close. it took me a few moments to fully realize where i was, and more importantly, who i was wrapped around.

my heart skipped a beat as i remembered eddie, sleeping on the couch in the other room. panic started to bubble in my chest as i tried to figure out what to do. i knew i should move, should break the embrace and put some distance between me and buck. but the comfort of his arms, the way he held me so protectively, made it difficult to do anything but lie there, paralyzed with indecision.

i hesitated, my voice barely above a whisper as i tried to rouse him. "buck..."

he stirred slightly, his arms tightening around i for a moment before his eyes fluttered open. he blinked a few times, the remnants of sleep still clouding his gaze as he looked down at me. for a brief moment, confusion crossed his features, but it quickly faded as he remembered where he was and who he was holding. a small, sleepy smile tugged at his lips.

"yeah?" he mumbled, his voice still heavy with sleep. "you need something?"

i hesitated again, my mind racing with conflicting emotions. even as he sat up slightly, his arms remained around me, and the warmth of his body against mine made it hard to focus on anything else. i swallowed, trying to find the right words, unsure of how to navigate the strange, tangled mess of feelings that had built up between the two of us.

"sh-should i move?" i finally whispered, my voice shaky. i wasn't sure if i was asking for his permission or simply seeking clarity in the confusion.

buck's heart started to race at my question. he could feel his pulse quicken, the instinct to keep me close battling with the knowledge that he might be making things more complicated than they already were. he didn't want to let me go - he never wanted to let me go. but he also didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

"do, uh... do you want to move?" he asked, his voice equally shaky, his eyes searching mine for any sign of what i truly wanted.

i didn't answer right away, my gaze fixed straight ahead as i tried to untangle the mess of emotions swirling inside me. "i... i don't know," i admitted quietly, the words barely leaving my lips. "i remember us talking last night, and... i guess we mostly fixed things. you said you weren't mad, but... buck, you got angry with me when i told you i had feelings for you. i don't mean i want us to fight again, but... i don't think we should do this. i don't think you should do this. it's confusing, buck."

buck's heart sank at my words, the guilt from the night before washing over him in waves. he had hurt me, even if he hadn't meant to, and now he was making things worse by holding onto me like this. but the thought of letting me go, of putting distance between us again, felt like a weight pressing down on his chest.

"i know," he murmured, his voice thick with regret. "i know i yelled at you, and i'm sorry. i never meant to hurt you. the anger, it-it wasn't even about you. i was just... scared, i guess."

"scared of what?" i asked, my voice laced with guilt and confusion. "scared that i was ruining our friendship? you're the one who wanted me to tell you what was going on with me."