training wheels. // evan 'buck' buckley

xxxvi. hold on, i still want you

the hum of the call center faded into the background as i leaned back in my chair, my hands resting idly on the keyboard in front of me. my mind was elsewhere, far removed from the flashing screens and calls. i had only been in LA for a few months, but it felt like i had been here a lifetime. moving to the city had been a leap of faith, a chance to start over, to forge a new path for myself - and yet, all i could think about was buck.

my relationship with him had developed faster than i expected. when i first arrived, he was just eddie's friend, the loud, confident firefighter who seemed to know everyone. but soon, we started spending more time together, and it felt natural, easy. buck had a way of pulling people into his orbit, making them feel like they belonged there. i could still remember the first time we had hung out one-on-one. it was supposed to be casual, but the conversation flowed, and before i knew it, hours had passed, and i didn't want to leave.

but somewhere along the way, things got complicated.

i sighed, running my hands through my hair as my mind spiraled. i kept thinking about the last few weeks, trying to pinpoint what i could have done differently, how i might have messed things up. buck had been teasing me more, making those flirtatious comments i wasn't quite sure how to respond to. and every time i laughed it off, i wondered if i should have said something more, something real. maybe if i had told him how much he meant to me, we wouldn't be in this position now - me sitting here, terrified, not knowing if he was okay, or worse.

i thought about all the little moments between us. the way he smiled when i made a snarky comment, or how his eyes softened when he thought i wasn't looking. the way his voice dipped when he talked to me, something teasing, but something deeper too. it had been there between us for a while now, something unspoken but heavy, hovering in the air whenever we were together. maybe i had been too scared to address it, too afraid to ruin the friendship we had built. and now... now it might be too late.

guilt gnawed at me. if something happened to buck - if he didn't come back from this - what would i be left with? a mess of unresolved feelings and missed chances? i had always been careful, always cautious with my emotions, but with buck, it was different. i had let him in more than anyone, and now i wasn't sure how to handle the thought of losing him.

my hands clenched in my lap as the worry tightened in my chest. i replayed our last conversation in my head, searching for something i could have done differently. maybe i should have insisted he stay away from the pier. maybe i should have asked more questions, tried harder to convince him not to go there with christopher. i couldn't help but think of every time i had brushed off his teasing remarks or laughed when i didn't know how to respond. what if i had been more honest? what if i had told him how much he meant to me before it was too late?

the guilt washed over me, sharp and unforgiving. what if this was my fault somehow? i had been the one who encouraged buck to take more time for himself, to spend more time with eddie and christopher. i had wanted to see him happy, to watch him thrive in this life he had built with his friends and family, but now - now it felt like everything was falling apart.

and then there was christopher. sweet, innocent christopher, who trusted buck completely. the thought of something happening to him made my heart twist painfully. if buck couldn't protect him - if buck wasn't okay - i didn't know how i would live with myself. i had pushed buck to be there, to step up, and now he might be paying the price for it.

i closed my eyes, willing myself to breathe, but the panic was creeping up again, the fear of the unknown crushing me. i wanted to call eddie, to find out where he was, to tell him everything would be okay, but the truth was, i didn't believe it. how could i, when i hadn't heard from buck? when i knew that he and christopher had been at the pier when the tsunami hit?