training wheels. // evan 'buck' buckley

xliii. i can't

i wished i could completely avoid buck, but that wasn’t realistic. we still moved in the same circles - professionally and personally. firehouse gatherings, events, even just day-to-day tasks. and then there was lucy.

lucy, who seemed to find her way into every conversation, every moment i tried to share with buck. lucy, who smiled too brightly and stood too close to him. i had tried to make it clear early on that buck and i were seeing each other, that we had a thing, but it never seemed to stick. lucy was relentless.

today was one of those days where avoidance was impossible.

i was helping coordinate an event for the firehouse - a citywide family day for first responders. normally, i’d love these things. watching bobby and the others interact with their families, seeing the kids run around in oversized fire helmets - it always made me feel a sense of pride in the job we all did. but today, it just felt exhausting.

and to make matters worse, buck was there. of course, he was.

i stood at the entrance, ticking names off a clipboard as people arrived. when i spotted buck walking through the gate, my breath caught in my throat. he looked... good. too good. his hair was slightly tousled, his shirt stretched over his shoulders in a way that made my stomach flip. it made me feel things i didn’t want to feel right now - things that were overshadowed by my frustration and hurt.

to make matters worse, lucy was right next to him, laughing at something he said. i clenched my jaw, my grip tightening around the clipboard. how could buck not see it? how could he not realize how much this bothered me? or maybe he did, and that was worse. maybe he didn’t care.

buck’s eyes found mine across the distance, but before i could register what was happening, lucy was already leaning in to whisper something to him, her hand brushing his arm. my stomach churned.

i'd tried, really tried, to make it clear to lucy that buck was off-limits. i thought we'd come to some kind of understanding. but either lucy hadn’t gotten the message, or she simply didn’t care. and i was too tired to keep fighting a battle that wasn’t even supposed to exist.

the line between us was growing impossibly thin.

as the event progressed, i found myself running into buck again and again, the tension between us simmering just beneath the surface. at one point, we found ourselves alone, standing by the refreshments table while the rest of the group mingled in the distance.

“you’ve been avoiding me,” buck said, his tone half-playful, half-serious.

i glanced at him, my lips pressed into a thin line. “i’ve been busy,” i lied, trying to keep my voice steady.

“yeah, with everything but me.” he stepped closer, his familiar smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

there it was again - that playful charm that used to make my heart race, but now it only stirred a mixture of frustration and longing. how could he be so casual, so unbothered, while i felt like i was barely holding it together?

“we need to talk,” he added, his voice dropping lower. “about... everything.”

i raised an eyebrow, my arms crossing defensively. “everything?” i asked, my tone clipped. “you mean, like, the lawsuit? or how lucy seems to be your new shadow?”

buck’s smirk faltered. “lucy’s not-”

“i’m not blind, buck. i see the way she hangs on you. and you don’t do anything to stop it.” my voice was sharper now, the anger bubbling to the surface. “maybe i was wrong to think this was anything more than... whatever it is.”