training wheels. // evan 'buck' buckley

xlvi. i'll do better

i wasn’t even sure how i had found out. it wasn’t something eddie would ever tell me willingly, but the pieces had fallen into place. the late nights, the bruises, the exhaustion. it wasn’t just roughhousing with christopher. it had been staring me in the face all along, but i hadn’t wanted to believe it - hadn’t wanted to see eddie like that.

but now that i knew, now that i had the truth, the anger simmered just beneath the surface. not just at eddie, but at the entire situation. at everything he was keeping from me. i wasn’t going to let this go.

i showed up at eddie’s house without warning, my steps heavy as i walked up to the door and knocked, a sharpness in the sound that mirrored the tension in my chest. it didn’t take long for eddie to answer, his expression shifting from surprise to something unreadable as he stepped aside to let me in.

“hey, what’s up?” he asked casually, but there was something in his tone, a slight wariness that made my stomach twist.

i didn’t waste time on pleasantries, stepping into the living room and crossing my arms tightly over my chest. “why didn’t you tell me?”

eddie’s brow furrowed, confusion flashing across his face. “tell you what?”

“you know what, eddie,” i said, my voice harsher than i intended. “the fighting. the underground, illegal fighting you’ve been doing. i know.”

eddie’s face drained of color, and for a moment, he looked almost like a kid caught doing something he shouldn’t have. his eyes darted away from mine, and his posture stiffened as he realized there was no way to deny it.

“charlie...”

“how long?” i interrupted, stepping closer to him, my eyes blazing with a mixture of hurt and frustration. “how long have you been doing this?”

eddie let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair. “a few months,” he admitted, his voice low. “since - since everything with buck, and the therapy, and... i didn’t know how else to cope.”

i stared at him, incredulous. “so you thought fighting was the answer? putting yourself in danger? what the hell, eddie? you could get seriously hurt! or worse!”

“i know,” eddie said, his tone defensive as he crossed his arms over his chest, mirroring my stance. “i know it’s not smart, okay? but i needed an outlet. i needed to feel... something.”

“you needed to feel something?” i repeated, my voice rising as my frustration grew. “so you thought getting punched in the face was the solution? what about christopher? what about your son?”

at the mention of christopher, eddie’s face crumpled slightly, guilt flashing across his features. “i’m not- i wasn’t trying to put him at risk.”

“no, but you are!” i snapped, my voice cracking with emotion. “every time you step into that ring, you’re putting yourself at risk. and if something happens to you, what then? what happens to him?”

eddie looked away, the weight of my words settling heavily on his shoulders. he didn’t have an answer for me - at least not one that made sense.

my voice softened slightly, but the anger was still there, bubbling beneath the surface. “why didn’t you tell me, eddie? why didn’t you trust me enough to talk to me about this?”

eddie let out another sigh, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “because i didn’t want you to see me like this,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “i didn’t want you to know how messed up i am. how broken.”

my heart clenched at his words, and for a moment, the anger slipped away, replaced by a deep ache for the man standing in front of me. i took a step closer, reaching out to place a hand on his arm.