Devil Meets The Grace (Godsent Series 3)

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Song for this chapter:

What A Beautiful Name / Agnus Dei  by Travis Cottrell, Lily Cottrell

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I’m slowly moving forward.

The death of my father was expected, as the doctor said. Though I let him go, grieving for him was never easy. Noong natuto akong magpatawad, nakaukit na sa isip kong may magiging pag-usad sa relasyon namin ni Papa. Hindi sumagi sa isip ko ang pagkamatay niya dahil umaasa akong mapapalitan ng pag-ibig namin ang lahat ng pangit na nangyari noon.

Akala ko ay makakabawi kami sa isa’t-isa. Kaya’t nang palayain ko siya at hayaan niyang sumuko na siya sa sakit niya, hindi ko ‘yun ginusto pero iyon ang ginawa ko.

Kaya hindi naging madali sa akin ang lahat. Halos araw-araw ko pa ring iniisip ang mga “what ifs”. I still think about the supposed moments we should’ve spent together if only we’re not running out of time.

I regret that I should’ve just forgiven him the moment he said sorry. I should’ve just let him pay for all the times he wasn’t able to be my father and forget about what happened  before when he asked me to give him a chance. I shouldn't have wasted those times.

But it happened. Wala na. Wala na akong magagawa. 

It was not easy to forget about it. Almost everyday, I still cry whenever I think of it. Every night I have to memorize medical terms, figures, and countless body parts. I'd think of my father and suddenly my tears would pour out. 

I sent a letter to Luke. But none of those I sent him came back to me with a reply. 

Gayunpaman, hindi ako tumigil. Kahit hindi siya nagbabalik ng mensahe, alam kong binabasa niya lahat ng pinapadala ko sa kanya. Sinabi ko sa mga sulat lahat ng nararanasan ko sa school, at ang pagkamatay ni Papa.

I told him how devastating it was that I come to a point that I want to stop and grieve forever. 

When Deanna lost her parents, I knew it hurt. But I didn’t realize the depth of the pain until it happened to me - until I lost my only parent. 

The death of my father is something I can never move on about. 

Siguro, makakatulong ang oras para malibang ako. They say it’s a matter of time. And I also believe in that. I know, time will somehow help. 

Time still goes on even when everything seems to stop when Papa never opens his eyes again after praying to God that he’ll live longer. Time still goes on when I told God I was not ready to let my father go, that I regretted telling him that it’s okay if he wanted to go.

Kung may perpektong salita na maaaring magpaliwanag ng sakit na nararamdaman ko sa pagkawala ng aking ama, baka nagamit ko na iyon. Ngunit ito ang klase ng sakit na hindi ko maipapaliwanag ng maayos. Walang salitang makakatumbas ng hapding hatid ng pagkamatay ni Papa.

And although time will help to distract me, I know, I will never move on from his death. Somehow, I think no one really does. People who lost their loved ones will get used to the pain it inflicted them. They will get used to it, they’ll think the pain somehow subsided, but the truth is, no one really moves on from the death of their loved ones. 

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko naasikaso ang libing ni Papa. May mga kumausap na lang sa akin noon na kakilala ng aking ama na silang umatupag sa lahat. Everything was already paid by my father. He left me assured that I won’t have to worry about his burial but my grieving.