Between the desks

Chapter 33

Amren's POV

After college, Jess came to pick up Lily and me, and we all piled into her car. The ride back to my apartment was mostly filled with their chatter, but my mind was elsewhere, still replaying the conversation with Professor Olsen. I couldn't shake the memory of how her demeanor had shifted, just slightly—her eyes had softened, and her voice, though still firm, hadn't been as harsh when our conversation ended. I kept thinking about the way she carried herself, her sharp clothes accentuating her figure, and how her professional aura gave way to something warmer, something more human. The thought of being alone with her tomorrow, for our tutoring session, stirred something inside me, a tingling that made me nervous.

"Am," Jess's voice snapped me back to the present, her hand giving my leg a gentle squeeze. "Babe!" she said again, laughing slightly as I blinked and turned to her. "You've been staring out the window like you're lost."

"Huh? Yeah, sorry. What's up?" I asked, shaking off my wandering thoughts, though they still lingered somewhere in the back of my mind.

Jess raised an eyebrow, clearly amused but a little concerned. "I asked if you'd like to come with me next Saturday. To my aunt's wedding? You know, the one I was just talking about?"

Lily chimed in from the backseat, smirking. "Jesus, Amren, where is your head at? You've been spacey all day."

"Nowhere," I lied, trying to act casual as if I hadn't been thinking about Professor Olsen's voice, her eyes, or the way she looked in her clothes. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What were you saying?"

Jess rolled her eyes playfully, but there was a hint of frustration. "I said my aunt's getting married, and since I'm her favorite niece, I get to bring two extra guests. I thought you and Lily might want to come."

I laughed and reached for her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Of course, honey. I'd love to go. You know your family adores me." I gave her a teasing grin, trying to lighten the mood.

Jess grinned back, clearly pleased, and I turned to Lily. "What about you, Lil? You in for a wedding?"

"Free drinks, food, and dancing? Hell yeah, I'm coming!" Lily replied enthusiastically from the backseat, her face lighting up at the thought of a party.

We all laughed, and for a moment, everything felt normal again. Jess squeezed my hand and brought it to her lips, kissing it softly. "This is going to be so much fun," she said, her voice filled with excitement. But as I watched her smile, a pang of guilt settled in my chest. I loved Jess—I knew I did. But lately, something had been off, like the butterflies weren't there anymore. Was this what love was supposed to feel like after some time? Comfortable, but without the spark?

As we dropped Lily off at her place, Jess's hand lingered on the gear shift, her knuckles white. "What's going on with you?" she asked quietly once we were alone. Her voice wasn't playful anymore—it was edged with something serious. "You've been so... distant lately."

I looked at her, my heart sinking. "Nothing's wrong, babe. I'm just stressed from school." It was the truth, or at least part of it. College was weighing on me, and so was... everything else.

Jess didn't seem convinced. Her lips pressed into a thin line, her eyes flickering with hurt. "You've been in your head a lot. It's like I'm talking to you, but you're somewhere else. I need you here, with me."

Her words stung. She wasn't yelling, but I could feel the frustration simmering under the surface. "Babe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I'm just tired. Really, there's nothing wrong." I reached for her hand, but she pulled it away, her eyes fixed on the road.

"No, I want to talk about this," she said, her voice rising slightly. "You're always distracted. It feels like you don't have time for me anymore."

"What do you mean?" I asked, my patience starting to fray. "I'm here, Jess. I'm with you."

Jess's voice cracked, and she let out a shaky breath. "You're here physically, but your mind is somewhere else. It's like I don't even know what's going on in your head anymore. I'm starting to feel like... like you don't care."

Her words hit me like a punch to the gut. I hadn't realized how much my distraction had affected her. "Jess, that's not true. I love you. I'm just overwhelmed with everything right now—college, work, all of it. But you're the most important thing to me, I swear."

Jess's eyes softened slightly, but the hurt was still there. "It doesn't feel like that," she whispered, her voice barely audible now. "I need to know you're with me, not just going through the motions."

I reached over and took her hand, this time holding it tightly. "I'm with you, Jess. This is serious to me. You're serious to me. I want us to work. I want to do life with you."

She looked at me, searching my face for reassurance, and slowly, the tension in her shoulders eased. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice quieter now. "I just... I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," I said firmly, squeezing her hand. "We'll get through this. I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you're not a priority. You are."

Jess leaned back in her seat, finally exhaling as if she'd been holding her breath for hours. "Okay," she said softly. "I just... I don't want to fight. I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered, though my chest still ached with guilt. I had hurt her, made her doubt us, and I hated that. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was failing her somehow.

As we pulled up to my apartment, Jess reached for my hand again, holding it gently. "I'm sorry for overreacting," she said, offering me a small, apologetic smile.

"No, you didn't," I replied, my voice soft. "You can always talk to me, Jess. I mean it."

But as we got out of the car and headed inside, the weight of everything still lingered. Jess was calm again, but I wasn't. My thoughts were a mess, tangled up in guilt and confusion. I loved her, but why did it feel like I was slipping away? Why did my mind keep drifting back to Professor Olsen?

I felt like a bad girlfriend.