Between the desks

Chapter 51

Elizabeth's POV

The day had been intense, leaving me with a strange mixture of exhilaration and confusion as I left campus. I had felt that connection with Amren—one that was hard to ignore and even harder to understand. Each moment in class seemed to pulse with an energy that I hadn't experienced in years, and it left me speechless. How was I supposed to navigate these unexpected feelings?

When I finally got home, I went straight for the wine. I poured myself a generous glass, needing its warmth to calm my racing thoughts. As I gulped it down, the familiar taste settled me slightly, but the swirl of emotions was still there, lingering just beneath the surface. I filled the glass again, hoping to drown out the uncertainty, and headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Pasta seemed like the perfect choice—simple and comforting. I added pesto and chicken, allowing the aromas to fill my small apartment. Cooking had always been a way for me to unwind, a refuge from the chaos in my mind.

As I moved around the kitchen, I found myself reaching for my phone. I hesitated for a moment, thinking of Scarlett. I missed her companionship, her laughter, and the warmth she brought into my life. But part of me felt the weight of guilt. Could I really let myself feel something more for Amren when Scarlett was still so important to me? I texted Scarlett hesitantly.

Me: Hey, Scar! Want to come over for pasta and wine?

Within moments, Scarlett replied.

Scarlett: Girl, really? Wine on a Monday?

Me: So?

Scarlett: I'm on my way! I'll be there in 15!

A smile crept across my face as I chuckled at her enthusiasm. Scarlett had a knack for making any day feel like an occasion. I returned to my cooking, stirring the pasta while trying to push my thoughts of Amren aside. But it was hard. The connection I felt with her during class was still vivid in my mind, and it both thrilled and terrified me.

Fifteen minutes later, Scarlett arrived, and we embraced warmly. "Girl, you're in a good mood," she said, her voice teasing.

"I had a good day," I replied, but I could feel my thoughts drifting back to Amren and our lingering glances.

"Really? What happened?" Scarlett pressed, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.

I hesitated, unsure how to explain. "It was just... a good day," I said, trying to keep my tone light. But inside, my anxiety churned. What if Scarlett could see through my facade? I didn't want to burden her with my confusion about Amren.

"Come on, there's got to be more to it than that," Scarlett insisted, her eagerness palpable.

I swallowed hard, my heart racing. "Well, uh... we should definitely talk about this over the pasta," I suggested, hoping to divert her attention.

We settled at the table and began to eat, the delicious aroma of my cooking filling the air. Scarlett took a generous bite and sighed in delight. "This pasta is amazing! You always know how to cook comfort food," she said, making me smile.

As we chatted, I felt a warmth growing in my chest. I loved spending time with Scarlett, and I didn't want to ruin that by bringing up my confusion over Amren. But the thought kept creeping back in, clouding my mind.

After we finished eating, Scarlett leaned back in her chair, a sly smile on her face. "So, what's going on with you? You've been acting a little mysterious tonight," she said, her eyes narrowing playfully.

I felt a knot tightening in my stomach. "It was just a good day," I repeated, but I could see Scarlett wasn't buying it.

"Come on! You can tell me," she pressed, leaning closer, her tone teasing but somehow serious.

I took a breath, trying to organize my thoughts. "I just felt this strange connection, with Amren,  you know? Then she accidentally touched my hand, and it felt like the world was collapsing," I admitted, the vulnerability making my cheeks flush.

"Those things are butterflies," Scarlett said, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "I can see it all over your face."

"No! I can't be in love with her!" I snapped, the very thought feeling absurd. "That's not possible."

Scarlett raised an eyebrow, clearly amused but also concerned. "Liz, you're practically glowing when you talk about her," she pointed out. "What are you really feeling?"

I let out a shaky breath, feeling the weight of my feelings crash down on me. "I don't know, Scarlett. I don't want to feel this way. It's wrong!" I said, my voice thick with emotion.

Scarlett moved closer, wrapping her arms around me in a comforting embrace. "It's okay, Liz. You're human. It's natural to have feelings," she said softly, her voice soothing as I leaned into her.

But I felt a wave of frustration wash over me. "It is illegal, Scarlett! I can't feel this way about my student!" I exclaimed, my heart racing.

"Hey, calm down," she said, her voice steady. "You're not doing anything wrong just by having feelings. It's okay to be confused."

As I sat there in her embrace, I felt the tears prick at my eyes. "But it feels so wrong," I said, my voice breaking.  "How can I be feeling this for her?"

"It's okay to feel pain, Liz," Scarlett whispered, rubbing my back gently. "Let it out. I'm here for you."

The tears fell freely, and I felt my heart shatter a little more with each sob. I cried, "I feel this pull toward Amren. I'm so scared of what that means."

"Liz, I'm here for you" Scarlett reassured me. "You have to figure this out for yourself. Just take your time."

I cried, and the tears flowed freely down my cheeks, each drop a testament to the overwhelming fear that consumed me. It felt as if a dam had burst within me, releasing all the pent-up emotions I had tried so hard to suppress. The sobs wracked my body, shaking me to my core. I was afraid—deeply, profoundly afraid. Afraid of love. Afraid of what that word even meant now, especially after everything I had been through.

Robbie had been my rock, my confidant, and my first true love. The memories of our time together were bittersweet, haunting me like shadows in the corners of my mind. After our relationship ended, I thought I could never love again. I had built up walls around my heart, convinced that they were the only way to protect myself from the pain of heartbreak. I had convinced myself that I was okay being alone, that I could move on without ever allowing myself to feel that intense connection again.

But here it was—this unwelcome emotion creeping into my life like a thief in the night, catching me off guard and leaving me feeling vulnerable. The thought of opening myself up to someone new was terrifying. What if I were to get hurt again? What if I allowed myself to fall, only to find myself facing the same heartache I had endured with Robbie? The idea of suffering through that again made my chest ache.

This new feeling felt so different from what I had with Robbie. It was electric and exhilarating, but also disconcerting and unsettling. Every time I thought of Amren, I felt my heart race, a fluttering sensation that was both thrilling and terrifying. I was drawn to her warmth and intelligence, but I also feared the implications of those feelings. How could I allow myself to be swept away by someone when I had barely managed to pick up the pieces of my own shattered heart?

As I sat there, caught in the tide of my emotions, I wondered how I had come to this point. I never expected to find myself in this position again, grappling with the complex emotions that love stirred within me. It was as if the universe had conspired to throw me back into the whirlwind of feelings I thought I had escaped. It felt like a cruel joke, taunting me with the idea that I could experience that kind of connection again. I wanted to embrace it, to lean into the joy of possibility, but the fear of what that could mean held me back.

I took a shaky breath, my heart pounding in my chest, realizing that love was never straightforward. It was messy and complicated, and the risk of getting hurt was always there. But perhaps, in a small part of me, I also understood that love could bring joy, healing, and a sense of belonging. The duality of it all left me feeling conflicted, caught between the desire to run away and the longing to stay.

The tears continued to flow as I grappled with my emotions, trying to make sense of it all. 

How could something so beautiful feel so terrifying?