Between the desks

Chapter 50

Amren's POV

"Please give me your essays before you leave, class dismissed." Professor Olsen's voice rang out across the room, calm and composed, yet carrying that air of authority she always had. It was the end of the lesson, and students were already beginning to pack up their bags. The sound of zippers, chairs scraping against the floor, and muffled conversations filled the space, creating a chaotic symphony.

As I slipped my notebook into my bag, I glanced up. Professor Olsen was already moving toward the door, holding it open for us as we filed out. My heart quickened slightly at the sight of her. It always did. She stood there, tall and composed, waiting as each student handed her their essay. She acknowledged them all with a polite nod, her tone measured and professional.

"Thank you, Lily," I heard her say to my best friend, her voice gentle but formal.

Lily handed over her essay and gave a small smile before walking ahead. Then it was my turn.

I walked up to her, clutching my paper a little tighter than necessary. My palms were suddenly damp, and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest. I handed her the essay, trying not to overthink it, trying not to read too much into every little detail. But then our eyes met—again. And not for just a fleeting second, like with the other students.

This was longer. 

I don't know why, but I couldn't seem to look away. My breath hitched as her gaze held mine, something unspoken flickering between us. The usual coldness I sometimes felt in her presence was gone, replaced by something softer, something more... intimate.

"Thank you, Amren," she said quietly, her voice somehow different, warmer. And then, just as I was about to turn away, I caught it—a wink. Quick, subtle, but unmistakable. My stomach flipped, sending a flutter of butterflies spiraling through me.

What did that mean?

I forced a small smile in return, my head spinning. "Bye," I mumbled, my voice barely audible, as I hurried past her and into the hallway, where Lily was already ahead, likely waiting by the car.

As I walked, the hallway seemed to stretch longer than usual, each step feeling heavier. My heart was racing, and my thoughts were tangled in a mess I couldn't quite sort out.

Why did her gaze linger like that? Why did she wink at me? 

I couldn't stop replaying it in my mind, like a loop I couldn't escape. My hands were clammy, and I felt a bead of sweat form at the back of my neck.

I shouldn't be feeling like this. I had a girlfriend. I was in a happy, committed relationship, wasn't I? Jess was amazing, kind, funny—everything I wanted. So why... why did my body react this way around Professor Olsen?

The fresh air outside hit me like a wave of clarity, but it wasn't enough to chase away the chaos inside me. I lit a cigarette as soon as I stepped out, desperate to calm my nerves. Each drag soothed me just a little, but my thoughts remained wild, scattered. The image of Professor Olsen's eyes—those piercing, knowing eyes—was etched into my mind.

Lily was leaning against my car, waiting. She took one look at me and instantly knew something was off. We smoked in silence for a few minutes, and I could feel her watching me, waiting for me to speak. But I couldn't. Not yet. My head was still spinning.

Finally, she broke the silence. "Are you okay?" Her voice was soft, but there was concern in her tone.

I glanced at her and gave a weak smile. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I tried to play it off, using that old trick of deflecting with a question, hoping she wouldn't push further.

But Lily wasn't buying it. "Am, your face is pale. You're not fine," she said, her eyes narrowing as she studied me. She always knew when something was up, even when I didn't want to admit it.

I let out a long breath, flicking my cigarette away and running a hand through my hair. "I'm fine, really," I repeated, but even I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

Lily shot me a look, the kind that said she wasn't going to let this go. Still, she didn't press me further. Instead, we got into the car, the tension between us heavy but unspoken. I drove us to my apartment in silence, the radio playing softly in the background. My mind was somewhere else, stuck in that classroom, stuck on Professor Olsen.

The moment we got home, I dropped my bag to the floor, frustration boiling beneath my skin. I headed straight for the coffee machine, needing something strong to keep me grounded. The silence stretched between Lily and me as I moved through the motions, making coffee, but my mind was far from the present.

I couldn't stop thinking about her. The way she looked at me. The way her fingers brushed mine when I handed her the essay. The way her eyes softened when she spoke my name. It was driving me insane.

Needing to escape my thoughts, I stepped out onto the balcony, lighting another cigarette. The cold breeze did little to calm the storm inside me.

"Amren, what's wrong?" Lily's voice broke through the quiet again, softer this time, but laced with concern.

I took a long, shaky drag before speaking, barely above a whisper. "You were right," I said, my voice wavering.

"What? I didn't catch that."

I turned to face her, my hands gripping the railing for support. "You were right," I repeated, louder this time, feeling the weight of the words as they left my mouth.

Lily's eyes widened, a flicker of confusion crossing her face. "Right about what?" she asked carefully.

I exhaled, the cigarette smoke swirling in the air around us as I finally let the truth out. "I'm falling for her. For Professor Olsen." My voice trembled as I admitted it aloud for the first time.

There was a pause, a silence so thick it was almost suffocating. Then, without warning, Lily wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug, holding me close as the weight of my confession settled between us.

"It's okay, Am," she whispered, but I shook my head, pulling away slightly.

"No, it's not okay. I have a girlfriend. Jess is amazing, I love her. How could this happen?" My voice cracked, panic rising in my chest. I felt like I was betraying Jess, like I was betraying myself.

"Amren, hey, calm down. I'm here," Lily said, her voice steady and soothing, trying to ground me. But the emotions swirling inside me were too much.

"I can't have her, Lily. She's my professor. She's off-limits," I said, my voice quieter now, filled with a painful sort of resignation.

"You can't control who you have feelings for," Lily said softly, trying to offer me some comfort.

"But it's wrong!" I snapped, my frustration boiling over. "It's illegal, Lil. It's dangerous. What is happening to me?"

Lily hugged me again, tighter this time, as tears spilled down my cheeks. I broke down, the weight of everything finally crashing over me. The guilt, the confusion, the fear. It all poured out in heavy sobs.

"I thought Jess was the love of my life," I whispered through the tears, my heart aching in ways I didn't understand. 

I loved Jess, didn't I? So why did it feel like I was being torn in two?