Beyond the Heart's Grasp

Kabanata 40

Kabanata 40

It was afternoon when I arrived at the cemetery. I slowly walked towards the familiar gravestone, my heart heavy. Every step reminded me of everything I had lost.

I knelt down, brushing the leaves off the shiny surface. "Hi," I said softly, barely able to break the peaceful silence around me. "It's been a while."

I took a deep breath, I could feel the weight of my breathing. "Some days, I feel like I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you, Lucho." I said while tracing the letters of his name with my fingers. "Until now, I still regret that I didn't make the most of the time you were here. I wish I could have been a better wife to you."

The air was still, almost as if it were waiting for me to say more.

"Napakalaki ng parte mo sa buhay ko at hindi ako nagsisising pinakasalan kita. Habang buhay kong panghahawakan ang lahat ng alaala mo dahil naka-marka na 'to sa puso ko."

Pumatak ang isang luha sa pisngi ko nang bahagya akong ngumiti.

"Salamat sa pagmamahal mo, salamat dahil hindi ka nagkulang para maging masaya ako. You're so selfless, Lucho."

The wind was whipping the leaves above. "But I need to tell you something. Something I've been keeping to myself for a long time." I finally said, my voice shaking a little. "Alam kong hindi ko na 'to maitatago. I want to be honest. I want to be honest with you."

Muli akong huminga nang malalim at tinapangan ang loob ko.

"I still think about him. A lot." the words fell out before I could stop them, and I felt a knot in my stomach "There's a part of me that..." I trailed off, struggling with guilt. "I still love him."

Tears filled my eyes, and I felt the mix of relief and dread at my confession. "Patawarin mo 'ko, Lucho. You were everything to me, and I'll always treasure what we had." I whispered.

I closed my eyes, wishing for some sign that I wasn't completely lost.

"I love him. Mahal na mahal ko si Diego." I finally said. "At sobrang sakit para sa'kin na itulak siya palayo. I didn't want to do that." nagsunod-sunod ang pagbuhos ng luha ko na halos hindi na ako muling makapagsalita pa. "I'm so sorry, ang dami ko ng nasasaktan habang nasasaktan din ako."

Nasasaktan ako at nasasaktan ko rin ang mga taong mahal ko. Kung pwede lang na ako nalang, sakin na lang lahat ng sakit kasi kinakaya ko naman. Pero ang makita silang nasasaktan dahil sa'kin, 'yon ang hindi ko kaya.

"Sana mapatawad mo 'ko kung hinangad kong maging masaya na kasama siya. Kasi kahit anong pilit ko sa sarili ko, he's the only one who can complete me. Sa kaniya ako nabubuo. At ngayong tuluyan ko na siyang pinagtulakan palayo, alam kong habang buhay na akong kulang."

My chest feels so tight as I sit, I can still feel the connection between us, even as I face the truth I've been avoiding for so long.

It hurt so much to tell him the truth but I knew it was the only way for my conscience to stop chasing me. So that every night, I can sleep with nothing on my mind.

Ang tanging burden ko nalang ay kung paano magiging masaya ngayong wala na siya sa tabi ko, na wala ang kalahati ng pagkatao ko.

Matapos ang ilang sandaling iyon ay bumalik na rin agad ako sa hospital.  I went straight to my office. Pag-upo ako sa swivel chair ay napansin ko ang box na nasa ibabaw ng table, ang box na dala ni Diego kanina.

I took it and untied the ribbon. When I opened the the box, I was surprised to see so many handwritten letters. Some of the letters were obviously years old but they were still intact.