Good Omens: The Ineffable Family Chronicles

The Rat

Little Eden was hungry again. She was tired of chewing on her chewable toys and she batted them away. She turned to glance at her fathers, who we’re cuddling each other on the couch and had fallen asleep. “Ba Ba!” Eden babbled, trying to get their attention, but it was obvious that they we’re in a deep sleep. She crawled forward and tugged on a black pant leg, then she tugged on a tartan sock but to no avail. 
Eden gave up and crawled out of the family room, her tummy rumbling. 

Aziraphale was woken up by a loud clatter. With a stab of horror he realized that he and Crowley had dozed off and that Eden was gone. 

“Oh shit.” Aziraphale cursed as another clatter and a strangled scream was heard. He dashed towards the sound, fearing the worse.

The angel’s movement and swearing had awoken the demon, “Wot’s wrong angel?” he murmured. 
He tensed when there was a loud crash and a cry from the angel.

Crowley shot to his feet and ran in the direction of the sound. He heard Aziraphale curse again and he heard a shrill shrieking. 

He bared his fangs as he rounded the corner into the kitchen. “Hsssss!” but then he froze in shock at the sight before him.

The kitchen was a absolute wreck and Aziraphale was frantically searching amongst the destruction for someone. “Eden? Eden!”
Crowley immediately joined his husband.  “Wot the hell happened?”
“I don’t know, we must have fallen asleep and when I woke up, the baby was gone and then there was this dreadful noise…” Aziraphale’s voice cracked as he looked underneath a soup pot. No Eden.

“Oh if something’s happened to her I’ll never forgive myself!” the angel sobbed. 
“Shhh, angel, we’ll find her, let’s keep looking.” He was just as terrified as his husband but he was desperately trying to stay calm for Aziraphale’s sake.

As they searched, they cleaned up the kitchen, right when it seemed that Aziraphale was going to completely break down, there was a rattling from the cabinets.
It was coming from the cabinet where they kept their cereal, the father’s dashed to the cabinet and Crowley swung the door open, and there was Eden, covered in muck and filth, and spilled cereal. 
In the babe’s mouth was a dead rat, Aziraphale nearly fainted at the sight.  Crowley just gaped in shock.
Eden’s blue serpent eyes stared back into his own, completely at ease. Not only had she inherited his pupils, it seemed she inherited his snakelike instincts…although he never hunted a rat before.
Crowley reached out and he gently pried the dead rat from Eden’s gums and disposed of it while Aziraphale scooped her up in his arms and hugged her closely.
“Oh my Little One, are you alright? Are you hurt?” He dashed to the sink and quickly doused a dishcloth in warm water and soap and he quickly but gently washed the muck from her face and he brushed the cereal bits off her clothes and picked the rest from her curls and black and white feathers. He quickly gave Eden a quick but thorough inspection; he let out a sigh of relief when he found no sigh of injury. 

 Crowley returned from dumping the dead rat in an outside bin and he found Aziraphale and Eden on the couch. The angel was holding Eden in his lap, who was now wearing a clean onesie.
“Is she okay? Is she hurt?” Crowley asked as he plopped down next to them and he gave Eden his own inspection.
“No. Not a scratch, thank Someone…” Crowley sighed in relief when he made the same observation.

Eden reached out towards Crowley and he happily scooped her up and hugged her close.  
“How’s my little predator doing?” 
“Please don’t call her that Crowley!” 
“That was the biggest rat I’d ever seen! I’d reckon that’s a World Record or something.” Crowley chuckled. The worry was gone and was now replaced by pride and the hilarity of the situation.

Aziraphale smiled then broke into a laugh. “When I saw that I thought I would discorporate!”
They both laughed until Eden began to fuss. “Oh sweetie what’s wrong?” Crowley asked. Eden grabbed his hand and began to gum him. He was relieved that her teeth hadn’t grown in yet.
“Are you hungry?”
“She just ate less than an hour ago dear boy! You saw for yourself!” It was true, he had been in the garden, tending to the plants. Aziraphale had been feeding Eden at the table that was on the porch, Eden had stuffed her face and ate every bite, not taking her eyes off of Crowley, who was giving the plants a much needed yelling at.

Eden bore down on Crowley’s index finger. “Angel, she’s literally trying to bite my finger off. I think she’s hungry again.”
Aziraphale went to the kitchen and returned with a jar of baby food and when he offered Eden the first spoonful, she practically lunged forward and inhaled the spoonful.

“It seems are little predator has quite an appetite.” Aziraphale chuckled.