Reminiscence

Everything I'm Not

5 years back, I still recall. Surrounded by four walls, I had befallen. Because of the idiotic questions I asked you unexpectedly so sullen. We never talked a lot nor even said hello when we passed each other by the hall. We were classmates yet strangers at the same time. You never acknowledged my pressence. You never smiled at me. I started to think that you never even knew I existed.

But by fate's twists and turns we were bound, from a sudden force we were stitched together and at first we always fight and argue. And I got tired of you. Yet you showed me more potential, you granted me patience. You kept up with my weirdness. You started to treat me as a sort of friend. Then we grew closer and closer day by day.

As months passed by, we were sticked together and no one could separate us. That was the best yet most terrifying moment of my whole existence. Because I was starting to depend on you a whole lot more. When you're away, it's killing me inside. It seems like I can't live without you by my side. Even though this sounds so corny, cliche and cheesy, yet that's the truth. And sadly, unfortunately, I can't do anything about it too.

One gloomy morning we were walking down the highway. Side by side together, while sharing your earphones mine on the right side while yours on the left. Soothing music blasted through. And the melody calmed me like never before. Finally the past forgotten and will never be brought up again. And a talk with you started, that was so abrupt. I didn't know what happened but I shall be prepared for the consenquences.

"What's your ideal girl?" I asked and you stopped walking for a second. My heart was beating in a faster rate, palm sweating and hands shaking yet you failed to notice.

"Why the sudden question? Is this one of your bored moments and you become weird?" You smiled and I blushed while nodding my head.

"There's nothing to do on a sunday morning. It's your fault to pull me out of bed on 4 am for a morning jog. Now answer my question."

Your smile grew even wider.

"My ideal girl..." You seemed so lost in your little bubble and it makes you so carefree.

"I want a girl who can sing. Who can sing me to sleep everyday, especially when insomnia strikes me. When I handle difficult problems everyday. When I feel nervous. I want her to sing beautiful notes. Because I know her voice is the only thing in this world that could calm my soul."

"What else?"

My voice became softer. I couldn't sing. It'll rain when I'll do it. Babies cry, when they heard me sing out a single note. I sing secretly. But only, I can hear it. No one knows that it hurts so much to be judge by so many people just because I wasn't gifted a singer. I can't sing no matter how many voice lessons I attended or how many instructors I've passed through. I know deep in myself that I can't sing.

"I want a girl who can cook. I definitely love eating. Even though her cooking isn't the best in the universe I'll still eat it. Because I love her. I also love baking. I want to open a restaurant with her someday."

Again, I can't cook. Even the simplest things I often fail doing it. Its either overcooked or undercooked. Because I don't know how to cook. I only devour food.

"Is there anything else?" Your eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

"I want a girl who loves animals. I'm an animal lover. Its cute to see if she loves animals too. If she can take good care of our pet, then soon, she can take good care of our children."

Now my head is down. I'm allergic to animals, especially cats. And I really despise dogs. Once when I was little, I was bitten by one. And the trauma never left and it still haunted me every single day.

"I also want a girl who plays basketball, who's sporty. Who also loves to play volleyball and badminton. And also swimming. I want to share my hobbies with her. I want her to express herself whenever she's around me."

I just smiled at him. I can never do those things. I'm clumsy and a scaredy cat. I'm afraid to get hit by the ball. I can't swim, I'll drown.

"What else?" I asked softly.

"I want a girl who 's adventurous! Who would go hikes and campings with me every summer or break. I want to feel nature with her pressence. I want to calm and ease her soul. I want to have an adventure with her someday."

Now, its really going downhill. First of all. I am very terrified, petrified, horrified of heights. I can never go on an airplane, especially on rock climbing and hiking. I always get anxious whenever I do it. It feels like anytime I would fall. And I'm scared of falling. I can't go campings. Because of its surroundings. I get allergies so easily and sometimes I'll end uo confinded in a hospital.

"That's all?" You seemed so happy while discussing your ideal girl. Your smile could light the neighborhood.

"I also want a girl who can dance. Especially ballet or any form of dance will do. I just want her to express her emotions through her performance. And I would suppirt her in eveeything she'll do especially if its her passion. Because she's important to me no matter what."

I smiled at you. I don't know if you noticed but my eyes say otherwise.

"So this is my stop, see you again tomorrow." I force a smile..

"See you next time then, call me when anything happens. Don't forget our plans!"

"Will do, boss." You gave me a lopsided grin. And you proceeded fo walk away.

As I close the door of my apartment, I collapsed on the sofa. And stated at the ceiling. Whipe the aircondition was on.

I thought of you, of your statements and words earlier. Of your ideal girl. And if you compare her to me. Well, it's such a blur.

I'm a bookworm, I like to read books. To feel their essence, to travel in their dimensions. It is really my escape from reality especially when my parents argue all the time. I read to escape the world's damage and pain. I read to be the character. To feel their emotions. Reading was a gift that I would never trade anything in my whole life.

I can't sing, but I can play a lot of musical instruments. I can play the guitar, the violin, the piano and the drums. I'm an introvert and a home person. I love to stay at home because it feels safe and secured. I'm definitely not sociable amd I pick my friends.

I'm also a painter, I may not dance, but I express my feelings and emotions through my paintings. It can be evidently seen as you go through my works. All the pain and suffering I've encountered over the years could be clearly seen in skme of my works.

His ideal girl and I are so opposite.

Even though I feel something strong for him, I won't admit it. Being friends with him is the only choice I have. I don't want us to go back to strangers.

She's everything I'm not.