Reminiscence

Time

2:05 AM

As I lay here, eyes wide open, I think of all the things and memories we had in the past. Who would've thought that a girl like me would end up with a guy like you? And how it ended all so suddenly. How you manage to left me hanging, I wouldn't know.

2:36 AM

Are you still up, baby? By this time we would've been talking each other's ears off. You would always tell me stories of your day. You'll call me and ask if I'm awake, or if I'm hungry. I would laugh at all the jokes you're telling me and I would tell you that you sound so corny but I'll still love you even more cause of that.

3:14 AM

Remember all our deep conversations? All our cynical moments. You were quite a clever lad. You know how to manipulate words, in a good way, so easily. You would always ask about life and death. Even the smallest of things may turn into one of our deep interactions. We talked about soulmates and destiny. If those were all true. If all the stories we heard and read are real. You would tell me something I don't know. You would ask silly questions so often that I couldn't imagine were those came from. But I will always be in game to answer your nonsensical thoughts.

3:45 AM

One day, you came into my house this early in the day. You brought a McDonalds meal with you. And I couldn't help but feel guilty. I was just joking around with you when I said I was hungry and I was almost dying from hunger. You said I was just exaggerating and I should stop it. Your head was throbbing so painfully and you were sick but you manage to do all of that despite of your condition. I couldn't help it but smile at your sweetness.

4:27 AM

I still cry myself to sleep every night. Insomnia hasn't help lessen my stress. I had a diversion. I began writing and pursued my passion with art the way you wanted to be and the way I always wished for to happen. But it didn't keep my heart and mind away from the thought of you. All my works has somehow a piece of you in it. You brought out the best in what I thought I didn't had but you were also the damn twat who took it away from me. You selfish little bastard. How dare you cheat on me when I thought you were finally serious. Were those 5 freaking years even meant something to you? How could you throw it away? How could you bury it 10 feet deep without being affected? You showed no mercy when you broke my heart. And I thought that you wouldn't do that. Because you promised. You always keep your promises. But I guess there's a first for everything.

5:00 AM

The sun's almost up and shining. And I can't believe that I manage to stay awake for 4 days straight. I hadn't sleep a bit. Every day when I glanced at our mirror wall, all I could see was a horrible zombie with sadness and pain evident in her eyes looking back at me. I couldn't even remember the time that I took a proper shower. What have I done with myself? What happened to the beautiful girl who you fell in love with? If you had seen me at my worst, would you still love me? I guess not.

5:43 AM

You know that I was stunned when I saw you kissing a girl in that bar right? You saw me. You fucking saw me there and you kissed her back like you never had a fiance. You gone through third base with her inside that damn bar while I was watching! Hell I was watching you and I stood there coldly. I couldn't even manage to walk out because I didn't knew the guy who I had fallen for. It was like someone posessed you or something but you looked at me with empty eyes. Without love nor care. And that was way worse than seeing you make out with a girl you've never met before. Because every single fucking day you look at me with love in your eyes. And I was shattered to pieces when I caught you staring at me emptily. And that hurt more than my accident last year. I thought pain couldn't be this cruel but damn it I was wrong again.

6:02 AM

"Were through. It's over." Those were the last words you said when you left me in the rain pouring my heart out. I couldn't believe it I've lost everything I had. Even my fucking dignity. I was the one who begged you to stay with me. I begged you to be at my side. I cried so hard I didn't care about the people around me who gave me looks of pity. I only wanted you. I guess I was the one who fell so hard and was madly smitten with you so look at me now, look at how hard I have been to myslef. Did you knew about these cuts in my arm? Did you knew about the bruises on my back because of my step father? Did you knew that I have been abondoned by my own parents because they said that I was a disgrace to our family name? Did you know that I tried to kill myself? Of course, you didn't because I hadn't told you. If I told you these, would you stay? No. Once upon a time, you told me you would never leave me but guess what once again you're a liar.

6:41 AM

I can see light now. The birds are singing and the weather looks marvelous. And it only made sense that I would suffer another agonizing day because of the horrid things that happened last week. I would once again try to move on and fail. I've been called and told many terrible things in the past. But I kept them away because I knew you would always say wonderful and unbelievable things about me that would lighten up my mood. But now that I'm still laying on my bed reality hit me. Everything they said was true. Even you said that I'm worthless. I'm a disgrace to human kind. And that you were stupid to love someone like me.

7:15 AM

Even though this is another day to make another miracle happen, I cried and cried. No matter what. Despite everything you said and done. You can't take this feelings away from me that easily. And I'm a fool. I'm a pathetic fool for still thinking about you. I'm tired. I want to rest. I want ease. I need to let go. But I can't. Those times we shared together, all the memories you left me, all the foolishness we've gone through were still scarred in my heart. It would take a lone time to heal but I can wait. I will wait. I'll breathe again.

8:00 AM

Even though you can't read my thoughts always remember and never ever forget it. You were the first man that I've truly ever love and it may also be the last. Because this heartache will continue on aching for a long time. I could never heal so easily. The scars you've left me were so deep and crucial. It really broke me apart. But still, I am a foolish girl that lives in a cruel world.

9:00 AM

I still love you and will always do.