Gold Rush

crying in my bed

:* ୨୧ Gracelyn ୨୧ :*

"I think part of me is destined to love you forever"

March 20, 2005

I was laying in bed staring at my ceiling.
I felt like a shit friend.
And an overall shit person.

How I hadn't realized Addy was raped was beyond me. Looking back on it the signs were so fucking obvious.

She'd been my best friend for nearly six years and I was stupid enough to act like she was just going through a phase.

One thing I knew for sure was that if Stephan McGarry ever even looked at her I'd kill him. I hated that prick and his stupid fucking face.

He was the definition of a monster.

My parents were out for the night—thank god—so I was alone in my house.

I hated being alone.
Because I was forced to think about every aspect of my life. Especially the parts I'd fucked up on.

I was supposed to go to Theo's but I'd texted him to say I wasn't the mood and he completely understood.

And that just made me feel worse. He was so understanding and such a good fucking guy.

It was gone nine at night so I figured it was a good time to pull the bottle of tequila out from under my bed.

Just to help me fall asleep.

I practically broke the fucking bottle by how hard I jumped at the sound of someone knocking on my front door.

I sighed, shoved the bottle back under my bed and headed for the door. I wasn't expecting anyone so I figured it'd be some moron trying to sell me something.

Maybe not at nine at night but either way, I was answering it.

The last person I expect to see was Johnny, but there he was looking annoyingly hot.

"Hi?" I muttered, my eyes going from his face to his black jumper to his grey sweats.

"Hi," His voice cracked and he looked away, "Sorry for just showing up, I just didn't know where else to go."

I was confused at first until I noticed the tears in his eyes. In my almost six years of knowing him I'd never seen him cry.

I was pretty much stunned and had no fucking idea what to do.

"Come in," I opened the door wider and he stepped into my house.

Which I was now realizing he'd never been in before.

Thank god I cleaned my room earlier.

We awkwardly stood in the foyer of my house for a moment before I blurted out, "Let's go to my room."

He nodded, following me down the hall to my room.

"I just realized I've never actually been in your house," He muttered, as I ushered him inside my bedroom.

"Yeah, I spend too much time at yours," I shrugged, closing the door behind him and then climbing onto my bed.

He sat down next to me, stared blankly at the wall.

"Are you alright?" I asked, nudging him with my elbow.

Johnny turned so that his gorgeous blue eyes were looking into my brown ones and I swear to god my heart almost broke at the expression on his face. He looked completely devastated and so fucking hurt.

"How did I not fucking know?" His voice cracked and he pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

He didn't have to explain what he was talking about because I knew. I understood him completely.

"Because no one knew, Johnny," I shifted positions so that I could look at him.

"But I should've known," A tear fell onto his cheek, "I let him into our fucking house, Gracie! I did that!"

"Johnny, this isn't your fault," I grabbed his face with my hands, "You didn't know."

"I was friends with him," He shook his head, wiping his tears away as quick as he could, "He hurt my sister and I let him be my friend."

I pulled him against my chest and wrapped my arms around his giant body. A sob escaped his throat and my eyes welled with tears.

"If you knew you never would've done that," I rubbed my hand along his back, "I didn't know either, Johnny. No one did."

His arms wrapped around my waist and he sobbed into my chest, "I should've kept her safe! I was there that night, at Hugh's party."

I swallowed hard, trying to mask my own tears as I spoke, "There is nothing you could've done. This isn't your fault. This is no one's fault except his!"

I held him as he cried for a solid ten minutes, before I whispered, "Can we lay down? You're extremely heavy."

"Sorry," He separated from me, running his hands through his hair.

I laid back on my bed and patted the spot next to me, "Come here."

He did as I said and I smiled to myself. Johnny in my bed was something I'd thought about for years but this wasn't exactly how I'd envisioned it.

"I'm sorry," He released a sigh, "I show up here and start crying like an eejit."

"Don't be sorry. I needed the cry too," I rested my head on his chest and his arm went around my shoulders.

"I figured you'd understand," He mumbled.

"Always," I nodded.

I revelled in the fact I had my head on Johnnys chest but then I felt like a terrible person.

Because of Theo.
My boyfriend.

I should've jumped off the bed and told Johnny to leave, or at least put some distance between us.

But I didn't. I stayed with my head against his hard chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

Because I was weak.
And I was at the mercy of Johnny Kavanagh.

————————————————————

so um

sorry theo (ily)

hehehe

i love you

xoxo

-Freyja