Gold Rush

unfortunately unfortunate

:* ୨୧ Gracelyn ୨୧ :*

April 6, 2005

I was spiraling.
Or maybe more like experiencing a full blown tornado of emotions.

I'd shut down Johnny's half-assed attempt at confessing his 'love' for me and I was still fucking thinking about it. I'd gone back inside to Theo who looked at my wet hair and Johnny's wet hair with knowing eyes, and I waited for him to say something but he never did.

He never fucking asked. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. Maybe he trusted me, or maybe he was afraid if he asked he'd hear something he didn't want to.

I was proud of myself for not letting Johnny mess with my heart but I was also so fucking angry that he said all of that. He saw me with Theo, with a huge smile on my face and decided that was a good time to tell me he's in love with me.

I was standing on my front porch with a cigarette balanced between my lips and a bottle of vodka in hand. It'd been another evening of my father calling me a useless waste of space and hurling a plate at my head, which thankfully I avoided, and my mam staring at me with glassy eyes as she downed a bottle of wine.

I took a drag of the cigarette and then replaced it with a generous chug of vodka. I wanted to pass out tonight in order stop the thoughts racing through my head.

I felt like I was in some fucked up game of tennis and my heart was the ball. Deciding I was drunk enough, I put out the cigarette and shoved open the front door.

"You going to do the dishes or what?" Dad sneered from the kitchen table.

"I didn't even eat," I snapped. "Why the fuck would I do the dishes?"

"Gracelyn!" Mam gaped. "Watch your tone."

"Or what? You'll down another bottle of wine and become mute? Because that's all I've seen you do in the past year," I scoffed.

My mam used to be a lot more lively, and protective, but the minute my brother got arrested she pretty much lost her shit.

I didn't understand why the hell she cared so much, he didn't do shit for this family considering he was always drugged up and stealing money from her or just stealing period.

When he was arrested for grand theft auto, I was anything but surprised. In fact, I went out and bought the video game just for laughs.

"Don't talk to your mother that way," dad roared, throwing his chair back and glaring at me.

"Or what? You'll throw something at me? Or maybe just shove me into the wall? What's it gonna be, dad?" I laughed manically, the alcohol in my blood working wonders.

"You've got a lot of nerve," he scolded me. "You hang around those damn Kavanagh's too much, their spoilt posh attitude is rubbing off on you." He was standing over me and shaking his head, "You're not one of them, Gracelyn, you're part of this family, not theirs."

"Unfortunately," I mumbled.

"The fuck did you just say?"

"I said unfortunately," I raised my voice, refusing to give him the power. "As in it's unfortunate that I'm related to you two brain dead pieces of shit. I'm the only one here that can actually use my damn brain."

"You better watch it, girl," dad shouted, his breath fanning my face, "you're on thin ice."

I looked to my mother who was slouched in her seat, her amber eyes lifeless and dull. "You're just going to let him speak to me like this? You're actually okay with being married to the type of lad that hurts your children?"

All she gave me was a blink in response. I hated my father, he was a terrible person with an even worse temper but I hated my mother more. She just fucking sat there like a dog chained to a pole, unmoving and unable—or maybe unwilling—to fight for back.

"We're in love, Gracelyn," dad snickered. "Something you don't know shit about."

"The fuck would you know about my love life, you prick."

That earned me a hard shove into the corner of the kitchen island. The pointed edge making contact with my ribs, causing me to wince in pain.

"Fuck you," I forced out, my voice wobbling more than I'd hoped. I didn't like feeling weak but that's all I was in this house.

"Get out of here before I break your damn ribs, girl," he sneered.

"Gladly," I inhaled a deep breath and tried to hide the pain it caused.

I practically sprinted out of the kitchen and into my room, slamming and locking the door shut behind me. I took solace in my room, thanking god I had that lock installed.

I dropped down onto my bedroom floor and began doing what I did every time my life fell to pieces. I grabbed a bag and stuffed it with the sleepover essentials and then climbed out my window.

I headed straight for the bus stop and didn't even bother to look at the schedule because I knew it like the back of my hand. I'd been doing this same routine since I was eleven years old.

When the bus pulled up in front of me, I hopped on and took a seat. I revelled in the feeling of freedom and shoved my earbuds in.

It was only a matter of time before I got to the Kavanagh's, and then I'd feel safe again. Then I'd feel like me again.