Red {Wolf Rebellion I}

Chapter 35~My Fault~

Is it my fault?

-Imagine Dragons, "My Fault"

Chapter 35~My Fault~

I watched the red water pool at my feet, swirling down the drain like it could carry away the memories of tonight. I'd already tried scrubbing my skin raw until it was pink-trying desperately not to let the thoughts circling in my head drown me-but somehow, the water never fully ran clear.

There's too much blood on your hands.

I tried to ignore the gaping hole in my chest, the way my throat ached from the screams I'd held in earlier. Everything hurt, and I just wanted it to go away. But I was alone right now, no one would hear me.

I finally gave up trying to conceal it all.

My body shook with uncontrollable shivers despite the steamy water surrounding me, lower lip trembling as the tears finally began to fall. It's your fault. He's gone because of you. The hole in my chest widened and I wanted to know how it was possible to live through this agony. It clawed at me from the inside, tearing me apart. I didn't want to be put back together anymore. I deserved this pain.

Why? Why was it him? It wasn't fair! He'd never asked for any of this, I'd dragged him into it. It was entirely my fault. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry for my best friend.

I want Adam back.

That thought broke the dam holding back the worst emotions. My knees gave out, unable to hold the weight of my grief any longer. I crashed to the shower floor, my nails digging into my palms. Sobs wracked my body, and in that moment I wished for death. I wished that I was the one that would we have to cremate tomorrow. Then everyone else would've been safe and Claret would've stopped hunting us, and my best friend would still be alive.

I couldn't breath through the choked sobs and tears. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to get up and face the pity I knew the others felt for me. I was done.

It'd been ridiculous to even think we stood a chance against Red, that we could've made a difference. They didn't care who died in their way. I'd been so caught up in Carmine and his words, I hadn't cared what happened.

Carmine.

I didn't want to face him, I didn't want to talk to him. But I knew he was probably sitting right outside the bathroom. He hadn't left me alone since we'd found the others at the stadium. I tried to shove those memories away, but it was too late. I was no longer on the shower floor, but back at that field, when everything but the pain was a blur.

I could remember running to Adam, dropping down as my eyes took in the growing stain of red on his clothes and surrounding him. I'd screamed at the others to help me. To help him. Blood had coated my hands and arms as I tried to wake Adam up, to get him to open his eyes.

He had looked peaceful, like he was just sleeping. That's what I tried to tell myself, even when his skin was already growing cold. I remembered screaming at Carmine when he tried to pull me away from Adam, where I'd held his head in my lap and begged him to open his eyes.

Later when we arrived back at the safe house, Kat explained to me what had happened, how she and Adam had been separated from the others. I hadn't cared on that field, I'd just wanted him to wake up. I wanted to talk to him, even if he hated me for the rest of his life. But things didn't work out that way.

Kat had been cornered and outnumbered, and when one of them had tried to take a blade to her heart, Adam had jumped in, trying to shove the agent away from her. But there had been to many agents, and somehow in the ensuing scuffle, one of them managed to get him against the stadium wall and the next thing she'd known-he'd collapsed with a blade in his chest.