The Alpha's Addiction [BXB]

Chapter 45: Rage

CYRUS

All that replays in my mind is Koa. Any and every moment with him. Moments that will have to satisfy the yearning for the rest of my time on this earth. Even though they won't be enough.

There is nothing to numb the pain of rejection from one's mate. My wolf is never at rest, always strained, quick to anger, and on edge.

Tonight is one of those nights where I can't sleep. I toss and turn before eventually giving up on the feat. Slumber has not come easily to me since Koa's heat. I turn on the lamp, shuffling through the bedside drawer for the note.

Cyrus,

I didn't want you to come here last night. I wasn't in my right mind. If you think the fact that you fucked me changes things, it doesn't. I am never going to forgive you for taking advantage of my heat. It sickens me. Please, just get it through your head. I need you leave me alone, for good.  I won't be your Luna or have your pups, and that is final. Be gone by the time I'm back.

- Koa

I don't know how many times I've reread it. Taken in every word, each one a stab to the heart. The first time I read it, waking up in his room alone after our night of knotting, my mind went blank. All I could feel was this immense weight on my chest as I noted his scent on the paper, the small scrawl of his handwriting I'd never had the pleasure of knowing until that morning. Until he had to use it as a last resort.

He was too disgusted to even speak with me face to face.

And the worst part is, he was right. I did come to him in a vulnerable state. I did indulge in his body and the sex, after thirsting for his warmth and touch for weeks. Leading up to it, I'd felt like I was dying, being apart from him. It's no different now. Only this time, I have this cold, settling realization within me that it really is over now. He'll take care to avoid me completely in the future. I have no more chances.

My mate has ripped himself away from me, and there is nothing I can do. Because as much as I want to march back into his life and claim him as mine, I am not that kind of man. I am not my father, an alpha who used his strength and control over the omega he was supposed to treasure. I refuse to be.

I go on with my Pack duties, but most things feel meaningless. Xavier says I don't smile anymore. What is there to smile about? I have that tiny, godforsaken omega Beau buzzing around me constantly like a gnat. He even pestered my father about getting me to "train" him like I did Koa, to which the alpha responded by threatening the loyalty of my warriors again if I didn't comply.

So I gave him some child-sized leathers and instructed Xavier to teach him a few moves. Of course that wasn't enough for the brat, and he threw a fit, clinging to my arm and shedding crocodile tears about how it wasn't fair that I'd held one-on-one sessions with myself for Koa and not for him.

I'd wanted to shake him by the shoulders and shout that no amount of training would make him useful in any kind of combat, and that what I did for Koa is one of the many privileges that Koa alone receives.

Privileges that, even now, I would be happy to provide him, because he deserves everything I have to offer and more. And yet he will not take them. He will not accept my heart, but still I obsess over him like a lovesick pup, using every ounce of willpower I have not to even glance at my mate on the chance that I see him around the Pack. He's made it quite clear how he feels about me, and to make him uncomfortable is the last thing I wish to do.

"You look horrible, man," Xavier squeezes me on the shoulder after training. "Go get some rest,"

Like that will be possible. Though I don't want to look absolutely pathetic by telling him I haven't been able to sleep the past three nights because I saw Koa chatting with Desmond by the willow tree near the school. Will Koa take him back? Desmond is interested, sure, but my mate is harder to read. He looks worn down. Still, he managed to smile at the alpha, so he must not be doing all too bad. Probably was a relief for him, to finally be rid of me.