The Alpha's Addiction [BXB]

Chapter 53: Past

"Mama, that looks yucky." Oliver says, eyeing me drizzling honey and peanut butter over a bowl of spicy pickles.

I'd woken up craving the odd combination, so Cyrus went down and fetched it for me as soon as he could. He's been worried sick over my lack of an appetite, so these pickles and their questionable toppings are practically a miracle.

I take a big bite of a particularly dressed pickle, groaning in satisfaction. "Don't knock it 'till you try it. This is a delicacy,"

He grimaces. "I thought when you're pregnant, you eat stuff that won't make you throw up."

I hold up a hand, bracing a hand against my heavy stomach. "Don't even say the words throw up around me right now,"

The door to the bathroom swings open and Cyrus walks out, freshly showered with his hair wet and sticking to his temples and neck. He's been needing a haircut, but I like the look of my shaggy, rugged alpha. His eyes soften like they always do when they meet mine before he leans down to kiss the top of my head. Then he does the same to Oliver. "Time to head off for school," he tells him.

My son claps his hands together at that. "I'm so excited. We're playing capture the flag today. You guys could come watch!" He looks up at the both of us, a hopeful gleam in his eye. Then his gaze flicks to my face, and his smile wavers. "But you don't hafta,"

My little boy has been keen enough to notice that I haven't left Cyrus's room in the Pack House since my rescue from Zacan. I've just been stuck in this bubble of our little family, unable to brave the outside world. All I can envision is Zacan creeping out of the shadows or around a corner when I imagine leaving this space. In here, it's safe. Protected.

I must be such a burden to my mate and Morgan, who've been alternating taking Oliver to and from school. Even if I'm still limping a bit, it's no excuse. I'm ashamed at being such a useless mother, not even able to take proper care of my son's needs. But I can't bring myself to do it. I want to hide away in here forever.

My wolf has been restless to be let out and run through the trees like we used to. We weren't allowed to do that in the Blood Pack, and even here, I'm letting what those horrible alphas did to me take away my freedom. I can't comprehend what it's like to exist without fear.

Cyrus doesn't push me. He's holding it all in for my sake, and it makes my heart ache. He deserves so much more than I give him. Not the cowardly, fragile omega that I've proven myself to be. The topic of my past is taboo, and that of our pup a touchy subject. My pregnancy is mentioned in passing, but never deeper. I thought Cyrus would be happy I was pregnant, but he's tense when he catches sight of my stomach, like he has so many things to say but resigns himself for my sake.

And sex... yeah, there's been no sex. I already feel so undesirable, bloated with my pregnant belly, and the fact that I'm not providing my alpha any pleasure makes me even more ashamed.

But I pretend like everything is fine, because we've sound some semblance of normalcy in this new reality where we're supposed to be a family, parents, and I don't want to rock the boat. Maybe this awkward stalemate will fade over time. I hope it does. I hate that my own damn mate is scared to even touch me. I hate that I feel like a fraud, hiding away from the two most important people in the world to me as they try to continue their lives while I'm stuck, still feeling like the traumatized 13-year-old Zacan took advantage of.

"I'm sorry, baby," I stroke back Oli's curls gently, tucking one behind his ear. "I wish I could,"

Oli nods, putting on what I know is his brave face for me. One that he's honed to perfection when he shouldn't have had to. "It's okay. Will you come, uh, dad?" Oliver looks up at Cyrus uncertainly, unused to calling him by the new term. And he's still too shy to call him daddy like most kids his age call their fathers.