9th member of Stray Kids // y/n

chapter 31 ~ narcangel

There's a muffled voice, but you're too dissociated, consumed by the pain of the newly vacant room in the apartment, to even make out what they are trying to say. The heartbeat pounding in your head is loud. It's drowning everything out. The walls in the room completely consume your brain, compressing it with unbelievable pressure, but you still can't move. Everything had sunk in by now, Hyunjin was now just a memory but no he was a living being an hour ago. If only you had stayed with him longer after the Live, would that have changed his mind? If only you and Chan weren't being silly in the living room and you had tagged along with him, that would have surely stopped him. Or was Hyunjin's mind already made up, and he would have made an excuse to slip away for a few moments? If only you had checked up on him a few more times than you usually did, that would have surely helped him. How could you have been so selfish, only caring about your feelings? You had completely neglected Hyunjin's. He was still a member of the team, and everyone's feelings mattered. If only you had proposed to Skzijigi to bring up more therapy sessions during a company meeting. Everyone, even the company, knew he was dealing with something bigger than just recovering from a drug addiction.

He had been stuck in a dark, merciless place for such a long time with no way out. This was all your fault. You should have followed him to the shops. Hyunjin rarely shops online. How could you have been so oblivious to such an obvious hint? What if he had intended to make it sound like that so that either you or Chan would have realised something serious was about to happen?

This mere thought brutally rips the breath out of your lungs, like the grim reaper himself, cutting your body open with his scythe. Your jaw clenches as an unimaginable rage fills your head to toe. But underneath the anger, there was a deeper emotion. An ache that expressed itself in a single tear, an ache of knowing that Stray Kids is eight, not seven. The doomsday clock was ticking out of time to the day when everyone would have to renew their contracts. You couldn't do it. There had to be eight members. Someone's hand shakes your shoulder slightly, and it brings you back to reality. The lines on the wall unblur, and your eyes focus. You're in your room.

"Y/N, you need to relax a bit, breathe slowly. In and out, in and out."
Your chest feels tight all of a sudden, and then you realise that you haven't been able to take a deep breath for the past minute. Minho crouches in front, hand on your left knee, the other on your right shoulder. It hurts, your lungs are burning with every strained breath, and a tingling sensation is spreading across your face, making it numb yet painful. The feeling of it is strange. Not being able to move your mouth freaks you out, and Lee Know can tell.

"Y/N, look at me. You need to forget everything and just focus on your breathing, okay?"
Minho's talking fast now, he bearly finishes the sentence, choking out 'okay'; he takes a deep breath as if trying not to begin crying again. His eyes and cheeks are flushed red, rubbed raw from the tears that were threatening to come out once more. Your chest keeps getting tighter, and you begin to feel slightly lightheaded.

"Shit, Y/N, lie down, I think you're about to pass out. Fuck what do I- um wait here- wait no. SEUNGMIN COME HERE."
Minho stands up, lowering you down so that you are lying down. He's about to leave the room but decides leaving you alone in this state isn't safe, so he calls Seungmin. The tingling sensation on your face spreads to your fingertips and down to your wrists, and it feels like a painful cramp. Your hands are paralysed in this position, crossed across your chest. It's just about manageable to choke out a string of cries.

"Ugh, Minho, it hurts so bad. It hurts. Make it stop."

The pain is so intense it drowns out Minho's voice, presumably telling you to breathe through your nose. It's almost degrading, being in this position, not being able to tell Minho what hurts, lying on the bed helpless as he tries to figure out what went wrong, not just with you, but in general.  You close your eyes moving your head to the side, trying so hard to stop crying, trying so hard to move your hands an inch but it's futile, trying so hard not to think about Hyunjin's cold corpse lying in a bodybag being taken away to a morgue by now. You completely let yourself go now, tears falling hot down your cheeks, staining the sheets below. Crying as loud as you can, as it muffles the horrifying thoughts in your head. Everything that happened in Jeju seemed like nothing compared to this. At least at the end of the day, you were able to come back to all 8 members. but now your devastating reality sinks in.