Kill My Mind || DOLLHOUSE Spin-off

56.Grayson

Grease covered my hands as I worked on my car. I've spent hours rebuilding and reworking, trying to distract from doing that for my personal life. The grease seeped under my nails, stained the cracks of my knuckles, clung to me skin no matter how hard I tried to clean it off.

Just like Ale.

I muttered a curse and dropped the wrench. It clanged against the floor, loud enough to cut through the silence of the garage. I leaned back, wiping my hands on a rag that smelled like oil and frustration.

I didn't mean to think about him. Again.

But here I am. In every empty space. Every quiet second. Every flicker of memory I couldn't burn out. I told myself I would stop thinking about him. That lasted all of six minutes. 

I huffed loudly as I threw the rag on the hood of my car. I couldn't keep working I'd been here for about six hours working till I bled. I ran a hand through my hair and cleaned up quickly before heading inside. 

Sam had been at my place trying to work on some things for a business deal and I told him to go away. He told me he'd wait for me in the kitchen until I stopped being a baby. I just huffed, but he was in my kitchen waiting. "Thought I asked you to leave" I opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, taking a sip immediately after getting the cap off. 

"Just needed your opinion on some quick things before I left" he looked up from his computer and his nose crinkled "Jesus man you look awful"

"Thanks" I muttered before turning to the sink to try and rub off the grease...or maybe the memories 

"Seriously. Are you eating? Drinking anything except beer?" I nodded. I was doing both. Not much but I was eating and drinking water "You look better when you're not alone" 

My head shot up quickly and I turned off the sink "The fuck is that supposed to mean"

"You know what I mean Gray." I raised an eyebrow waiting for him to keep talking "You looked better before you cut us out of your life...before you cut Ale out of your life"

"Get the fuck out Sam" he opened his mouth but I wasn't having it "Get the fuck out now" I yelled. Why did he think he could talk to me about Ale? I understand the consequences of how I handed things I don't need the constant reminder from the people around me that I fucked up.  

He rolled his eyes and grabbed his things. "Just fill out what I emailed you by the end of the day." he grabbed his keys and started walking towards the door "Bye the way he asked me about you last night. Just letting you know he's not angry or anything. He just misses you. He worries."

"I don't care what he's doing or thinking" Lie. I'm lying to everyone. Sam, Enzo, and myself.  Sam left my house and I leaned back against the counter and leaned my head back while closing my eyes. Even not being in the room he's runing my day. 

And I can't help but miss him...and I hate that I do. 

...

My day kept going, despite the hour I spent in the shower contemplating my life. I had stopped thinking about him. I had moved on to the work Sam gave me. Until Ale texted me

Alejandro DeLuca: Just got an offer from Marco Calloway. It's shares in a hotel chain in southern France. Thought it would be more beneficial for you than me. Let me know if you're interested in hearing about it. 

Alejandro DeLuca: How are you?

My mind flashed back to seeing him at the race. He didn't even argue. Just nodded and walked. Like he knew I'd say no. Like he expected it. That pisses me off more than anything. Why didn't he try harder? I've given him a hard time but Ale has never been the type to give up on something unless he knew it was over for good.

Were we over for good to him?

If he looked at me like that again, I don't know if I'd have the strength to walk away.

I started to type 

Me: I'm not okay. But you don't get to know that anymore. 

I started at it before deleting the words and trying again. My hands trembled 

Me: I miss you. You fucked up. I fucked up. I can't admit out loud what I really want because I don't believe you won't hurt me again. 

I took a deep breath...then deleted it again. I dared to call him sacred a weak when I'm just as bad. 

Me: Yeah let's set up a meeting this week

Send. 

I sighed. I'm so fucking weak.

...

I couldn't be in my head anymore. I needed to say my feelings out loud. So I went to the one place I knew I could do that. My moms grave 

The cemetery was quiet. Just the soft rustle of wind through trees and the dull crunch of gravel under my boots. I knelt slowly, fingers brushing the edge of the stone.

"Hey, Ma."

My voice cracked around the words.

I sat there for a while. Saying nothing. Letting the silence speak for me. Letting the ache in my chest do all the talking.

"I don't know what to do," I whispered finally. "If you can hear me... just give me something. Anything. I just... I need to know I'm not alone in this."

A gust of wind picked up, hitting the palm of my hand. Cold and gentle. Like a touch. 

And suddenly, I remembered.

Ale. Sitting beside me on this same patch of grass, never saying a word. Never trying to fix me. Just... holding my hand. Grounding me. Silently telling me I didn't have to carry my pain alone.

My fingers flexed. Reaching for something that wasn't there anymore.

"Damn it Ale" I breathed. "Why'd you have to be the one who knew how to calm my fucked up head?"