Kill My Mind || DOLLHOUSE Spin-off

54.Grayson

The voices of my employees faded out as I closed the door to my office. I took a deep breath then sighed, walking to my bar cart. I poured myself a whiskey and wasted no time taking a swig. 

As the sharp liquid went down my throat, I made my way to my desk. I looked at all the unfinished paperwork in front of me. Catching up since I was away has not been easy. I've gotten through most of it these past two and a half weeks, but there was still a lot to go. 

I sat in my chair and pushed the work aside, deciding I needed a break after the meeting I just had. 

I pulled my phone out and clicked it on to see an empty screen. A few months ago I would have had texts from someone, Ale at least. He always texted me at work. But only Bella, Sam, and Enzo would speak to me and that's even limited. 

I deserve it after disappearing, then blowing up on all of them when I got back. I set my phone down and leaned back in my chair. I looked at my mostly empty walls and once again sighed. I couldn't just sit here I needed to do something, so I decided to organize my drawers. 

I opened the one to my left and pulled out all the papers. There were invoices, notes to self, and letters. After sorting a few papers my eyes landed on pink paper. 

Ale. 

He would send me love letters during the week. Always on pink paper so It would stick out. Clipped to the paper was a photo of us he has sent along with the letter. 

I picked the photo up. I held my breath as I examined it. It was us in Japan eating the street food. My fingers got tighter around the photo and I swear my heart stopped. I couldn't look at it anymore so I put it behind the letter. 

I finally allowed myself to breath and it was shaky, as were my hands. I bit my cheek and looked up at my office door. I was hoping someone would run in so I would put the letter down but no one did. 

I closed my eyes tight and when I opened them again I started reading 

Gray, 

I hope work is going well. It's boring over here (that's why I'm writing instead of doing work). I've just been thinking about you all day and I miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, your hair. I'm missing ruining my fingers through it. It's okay, I get to see you in about five hours and I can run my fingers through your hair once again. By the way i'm going to wear my harry potter PJ pants if you want to wear your starwars ones you fucking nerd. 

Have a great day love, 

Ale

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

My heart sank. I quickly shoved everything back in the drawer and closed it. I couldn't read it anymore. 

Have a good day love. Despite everything in me yelling, my mind flashed back to the night that everything ended.

"Gray, have you seen me run off to him? I've fucking stood by you for the past month making it clear I am with you. I've done nothing but try and prove myself to you." I started walking away "Gray, you have to know at this point that I love you." I turned around. my hands were shaking. "Gray," he picked my hand up, "I'm not just saying it because you're mad. I love you. Fuck I've loved you since the day you followed me out of Enzo's office." 

I love you. And he did. I see it more now. I saw it the second he picked me that night, Nick was going to kill us. I never noticed it when he called me love, but it was his way of telling me when he was too scared to. Then he was too afraid to lose me so he had to say it. 

Fuck he loved me. I loved him. I never got to say it back 

I looked down. I loved him too but Nick had won. He still had his heart and I couldn't keep competing. A tear slipped down my cheek and he wiped it "I love you so much Gray."

"Me or Nick."

"Don't do this to me come on." I let out another tear and bit my lip hard trying to stop. I've only ever cried in front of Enzo but I loved him so much I was so hurt.

"If you want me I'm sorry you can't keep seeing him."

I couldn't say it, not when I didn't think he'd pick me. 

"Gray I can't just stop being his friend. That's like asking me to pretend he's dead again."

"So you pick him."

"Gray-"

"Me." I looked back at him and he had also shed a tear. When I saw his eyes I just knew. Even if he didn't run off and marry Nick after this, he was not going to let him go. I wanted to die "Or Nick."

He gulped and another tear dropped. "I-i'm so sorry. I- I love you and I don't want it to be like this. I want you more than anything b-"

I nodded my head, "But he's too important." he slowly shook his head, not convinced this was really over. I licked my lips, wiping the last of my tears "I get it." I took a breath, trying to compose myself, "But you loving me isn't enough, Ale"

I was right through he didn't pick me. At the end of the day, I still loved him more than he loved me...more than he would have ever known because he didn't pick me, but I picked him. I let him go be happy with Nick.

Then Nick almost killed him. I sat at that hospital for days watching him suffer. He told me he wanted to fucking die. He would have fucking left me twice. He was my everything and I was someone he was okay leaving behind. Love me or not, I wasn't worth fighting for. 

And now he wants to fight for me. He wants to love me how I loved him. He wants to be us again. 

I can't let him break me again. I can't feel that pain. It replays every night with the sequences of my mom dying or my dad hurting me. 

There was a knock on my door breaking me from my thoughts. I realized I was sweating and my legs and hands were shaking. "Come in" I said shakily. 

"Your car is here for you next meeting." I nodded and dismissed my assistant. I finished my drink and cleaned myself up a bit before heading out. 

...

I couldn't stay in that meeting for long, my mind was everywhere with thoughts of him. As soon as I called it to an end, I got up and practically sprinted out. I didn't even notice the person I ran into 

"Shit sorry." the voice made me stop in my track "Gray?"

I cleared my throat "Hi Ale." I try to get past him as I panic, but he grabs my arm and I don't move out of his embrace 

"What are you doing here?"

"I had a meeting," I rush out the words

"Are you done?" I nod, "I was about to go pick up dinner, if you want to come with. I was going to get from your favorite Mexican place."

I open my mouth to speak but I hesitate."I-" I want to say yes but I need to say no. Soon I realize I've hesitated for too long and I blurt out the first thing I can think of, "No. I'd rather eat alone," my tone is harsh, my words hurt. 

He pauses and scans my face, then nods and lets go, "Okay. See you around," he smiles softly, then walks away 

I need a drink