Sorry, Not Sorry

- 47

I was desperately, crazy in love with Max.
     How weird was that? I'd convinced myself to hate him when we'd first met, but in the end I couldn't help myself from getting close to him. From loving him.
It's unfair. He doesn't deserve someone like me. He's everything. And I'm nothing at all.
I'm not good at loving. I never have been. I'm not sure what caused it. The neglect from my parents? The oddness that was the orphanage? The betrayal from Reddy? My new mothers boyfriend leaving her? Either way, it was something I was hoping to change soon.
       We're driving down the highway. The sun is in our eyes but we luckily stopped at a store earlier to buy sunglasses, since I didn't bring any and Max's were lost (taken?) At the beach. He's got brown ones, turtle shell pattern on the sides. They're oval and surprisingly look awesome on him. What am I saying, it's not surprising. Mine are red, classic sunglasses shape and made out of cheap plastic. I'm not that much of a sunglasses guy, I usually just suffer through the sun (it's probably unhealthy, but I've just never found any that I've liked.) Max looks perfect in the sunglasses and I know once the sun is out of the way, he'll push them up to rest at the top of his head- pushing his soft black hair back in that perfect way that I like.
      I ignore the mental image and instead look out the side window at the fields rushing past.
"How're you doing over there, coping with the early morning?" Max asks, tapping his finger on the steering wheel. I hardly listen to his words, instead trying to decipher the song he's tapping along to. I yawn, "Coping. Surprisingly." I stayed up late last night just lying in bed and thinking. So I basically closed my eyes for like a minute or two, then woke up 'hours' later (felt more like seconds to me) and started getting ready to leave. Max doesn't need to know why I was up so late, though.
"It's feels like it's only been an hour since we left." Max sighed, stretching his back.
My eyes widen. "Hasn't it been?!"
He shakes his head. "Four."
"For.... ty nine minutes?" I suggested, and Max laughed. "No, seriously. You're not joking?" I ask.
"Nope. It's been four whole hours." I sit quietly, staring out the front window. "Damn." I mutter.
"Well, I guess time flies when you're having fun." Max says, and I smile. "But speaking of how long we've been in the car, my ass fucking hurts." He wiggles in his seat. "Do you think we could stop at that park nearby?"
I nod. "Yeah, sure." I grin. (Damn, am I usually so smiley?) "We should walk around too, stretch these legs."
Max agrees, and soon enough he pulls into the side road leading to the near by park. It's lush and pretty nice for a place off the highway. There's a large lake in the middle with swans and ducks swimming around. A path winds all the way around and there are a few benches scattered around. "Woah, the door is closed." Max laughs, rounding around to my side of the car. "Huh? Oh, sorry. Did I slam it?"
Max leans against the side of the car, looking past me. "Surprisingly nice place, right?" He chuckles.
"Let's go walk around." I say, slipping past him and heading down the path. He quickly catches up to me, his steps falling perfectly into synch with mine. We walk pretty much in silence, looking around. I try to avoid looking at Max in fear that I wouldn't be able to look away again. "There's lots of couples about, isn't there?" Max points out.
"Oh." I say, looking around at the people, "There... Are."
We walk past a person standing next to a bucket full of roses. "You two!" They call, waving us over. We share a glance, before going to stand in front of them as they struggled to pull two red roses out of their bucket. "Here you go!" They laughed, passing a rose to each of us while still bent over.
Max looked down at the rose, twisting it between his fingers with a blank look on his face. "I'm going to the bathroom." He told me. I nodded, about to keep walking when the person with the roses accidentally tipped their whole bucket over, spewing the flowers all over the lawn. "Ugh." They groaned, slumping over before falling to their knees to gather the flowers. I quickly squatted down to help pick their flowers up. "Thank you, thank you." They muttered, "Oh, where'd your boyfriend go?"
"Huh?!" If I'd been drinking, I would've spat it out. But since I wasn't, instead I just pricked my finger on a rose with a thorn still attached. "I- we're- we're not..." I cut myself off.
"Oh. Oh!" They panicked "I'm so sorry, I'd just assumed..."
"It's okay." I laughed. "He's- I... We're just friends." But I want more.
"It was my mistake, I'm sorry. I just thought that since it was valentines..."
My eyes widen as I pass the last of the flowers to them. "Huh. It is, isn't it?"
They nod, "You didn't know? There's a valentines day concert going on at this park in a few hours."
"Oh, we're not from around here." I chuckle nervously. "We just stopped by for a little."
"Right, cool." They smiled, then glanced back down at their flowers. "Ugh, now I'll need to get fresh water for them..." They groaned. I extended my hand towards the bucket handle. "I can go grab some, it's not a problem." I said.
"Really! That'd really be appreciated! The bathrooms the nearest, there's taps inside." They point to the bathroom which Max had walked to not so long ago. I nod, taking the bucket and heading over. I stop once I'm in the doorway, freezing as I notice Max standing in front of the mirror. I'm about to ask if he's done as he picks up the rose from next to him. He spins it around in his fingers, lifting it to his face. He puts it down again and fidgets with his hair. When he's happy with it, he places both hands on his hips.
I take a step forward then, and he jumps up, quickly turning around. "Xavier!" He cries "how long have you been standing there?"
I shrugged as I walked to the sink, "Only a little bit." I shoved the bucket under the tap, switching it on before turning to Max. "Why so jumpy?"
"What... What's the bucket for?" He asks, ignoring my question to point down at the blue bucket.
"Oh, just... That person with the roses asked me to fill it up for them."
"Huh." He said, picking his own rose up of the counter "why d'you reckon they're handing them out?" He asked, switching off the tap and passing the bucket back to me.
I shake my head as we walk out of the bathroom, laughing to myself. "What's so funny?" Max cautiously chuckled.
"You don't know what day it is, either."
"What day it- oh." His face fell, before he smiled cheekily. "Well, you said 'too', so we both forgot together." He laughed as we walked down the hill to pass the bucket back. We wished them a goodbye before continuing down the path. We stopped at a picnic bench, taking a seat. Max held the flower between two fingers again, and I laid mine flat on the table, poking at the petals.
"Has Nicole messaged you?" I ask.
He raises an eyebrow, still looking at he flower. I wish he'd look at me like that.
"I'm surprised you're so curious about her." Max said, "I didn't think you liked how much I talked about her."
I shrug, "I wanna learn about you. I don't mind too bad." I did mind too bad though, I used to get so pissed hearing him harp on about her.
But at least I was hearing his voice.
"Speaks of which, can you believe we've been friends for like 4 months?"
"Avoiding the subject." I said, looking up at him. He sighed, shaking his head.
"I promise I'll tell you." He says, picking at the stem of his flower. "Maybe just when we're home and you can leave if you want to."
"It couldn't be that bad." I say, kicking his foot under the table. "I could leave you here, too. Taxis exist."
"I don't know, Xay..."
"It actually could be too bad. If you hit her or something." I narrow my eyes, "but I don't think there's any way you'd do that."
"Did you know she's sort of replacing me in the band?" He blurted.
"Huh?"
"I haven't been... Interested in the band recently, I'm sort of kicked out until I've got my head in the game. They needed a singer and Nicole was right there..."
"Wait, sorry? You're kicked out of the band? Nicole took your spot? Sorry, but I don't think she could live up to your standards." I pause, "They don't seem like the kind of people she'd like to be around. She didn't talk to any of them at Christmas."
He rolls his eyes. "I know who she was busy with that Christmas."
"Sorry." I sighed, looking away.
"Hey, that's not what I meant."
I shrug, "I'm still sorry. I keep bringing her up."
"There's nothing wrong with that." He says, "you're curious. It's not like I've told you anything at all about her. You don't even know why I liked her in the first place."
"Promise to tell me?"
"As soon as we're back." He promised, putting his hand on the table and standing up. "As soon as possible." He repeated.