Sorry, Not Sorry

- 49

I quickly get my ideas onto paper, staring down at the page. "Hey, Max?" I whisper. He looks up from the other end of his bed, where he's mindlessly strumming his guitar. "Yeah?"
"Come over here." I offer, patting the bed next to me. He places the acoustic down, sliding over to be next to me. "What's up?"
"Which of these two do you think looks best?" I point to two drawings. He leans closer. I try to pretend to not care how close his face is to mine. He points to one, "This one." He says. I nod, circling it before closing my sketchbook. "What're you playing?" I ask as he picks the guitar back up.
He shrugs, "I'm not really sure. Just playing around."
I pull my legs up onto his bed, facing him with my legs crossed. "Play something for me?" I ask quietly. He looks up at me for a second, then back at his guitar. "I don't know..." He hesitates, then takes a deep breath.
"What is it?"
"Just... You have such high expectations of me." He says.
I want to tell him that it's because I'd love anything he does, or because he's never a failure when it comes to me, but I know that will have the opposite effect as I intend it to. "I'm sorry." I say, "I thought it might help. You... Have such low expectations of yourself." Max nods, closing his eyes as he turns his face down at his guitar. Like always, it sounds perfect. I don't even know if there's a specific song he's playing, but whatever it is, it's beautiful. My eyes close by themselves as I let myself just listen to the music. It feels like every trouble I've ever had melts away, sitting here in my favourite persons bedroom, even though he might have some massive secret which will ruin everything- that's not a problem right now. I want to reach out and touch him, just caress his cheek- just to remind myself I'm still here, not floating somewhere in space, kilometres away from here. I let myself lay back in the bed, my hands resting on my chest as I breath in and out slowly. I open my eyes and sit up slightly as I feel the bed move as if Max just climbed off. He's still playing, but he takes a seat in the corner. I'm about to ask him what's wrong but he just shakes his head. "Just stay there." He says.
I oblige without worrying why, resting my head back on the mattress and closing my eyes. In a minute the music stops for a second, then resumes before Max climbs back onto his bed. "What was that?" I whisper, sitting up.
"I took a photo. You just... You looked so perfect lying there."
I smile. "Okay" I say with a smirk. He finally finishes whatever he was playing, resting the guitar on the bed. I rest my head on my hand. "Want me to say anything?" I ask, looking up at him.
"No" he says, and I nod.
"Alright, then." I smile. I pause, looking up at the ceiling fan spinning above us.

"Hey, could you show me the picture you took earlier?" I ask. Max nods, clicking something on his phone and turning it to face me. In the image I look really peaceful, the golden sunlight filtering through the window onto my face. I can tell why Max wanted the photo.
I smile, "This is good, send it to me." I say. Max nods. He picks the guitar back up and continues mindlessly strumming.

"Hey, Max." I whisper after a while, stroking an open page of my sketchbook as I look down at it. Max looks up, strumming one last time before speaking. "Yeah?" He says.

"Could I draw you again?" I ask. Max smiles, his fingers absentmindedly strumming the guitar. "Of course you can." He says, fluffing his hair up and peering up at the ceiling dramatically. I laugh, picking up my pencil and starting to draw. Truthfully, I could've done it even without the reference of his face just because of how much I'd been looking at him lately.

"Could I tell you something?" I ask after while of sketching. Max nods. "This art competition is like... a super big deal." I pause, "It's honestly really rare for... me, at least, to get the opportunity to get paid for my art." I erase a part of Max's chin. "And... well, I had so much fun on this trip with you, and I really did enjoy it... but I sort of feel like im making it hard for future me to... win the competition?" I glance away with a chuckle, "I haven't exactly been focused."

Max glances out the window, shrugging. "It's good to take a break regardless." He says, "I've seen how hard you'd been working before we left." I nod. "To be fair, I haven't been writing anything either."