Hold Me Close (Edited Version)

Chapter 12

Ryan pulled me away from the school and down the street. I was too stunned to even watch where we were going. I just stared at Ryan's back as he lead me along, taking me wherever it was he deemed fit for us to talk. At some point, I finally realized we were at his house and he pushed me inside and up to his room. I noticed he was sweating and looked very nervous as he shut his bedroom door. He didn't face me. Instead, he stared at the floor with his hands at his sides. I frowned and stepped towards him. "Ryan...?" I asked.

Suddenly, the tension in the room diminished and he relaxed, turning to me with a smile. "Sorry about that. I guess that was a little awkward," he said.

I stared at him in confusion. "What?"

He walked past me towards his desk. "I didn't mean to gross you out or anything. I just... kissed you to make him leave you alone," he said. "No need to feel weird around me.  I mean, I hope I didn't mean to make you feel weird." He began moving random things around on his desk.

I frowned and my thoughts went back to the kiss. It hadn't been fake, had it? He wasn't just acting? Again, I felt the warmth on my lips and I touched my mouth. No, it had been real. I had felt the passion in it, the truth behind it. It was a real kiss, one that he had meant fully.

I shook my head at him. "Don't-..." I started and stopped. "Don't lie to me. That was not just an excuse. I know it wasn't-"

He turned to me abruptly. "Tell me the truth," he said. His eyes looked sad as they studied me, looking right inside to my soul. "Do you really want to know? Or do you just think you owe me to let me tell you everything? Because I'll tell you. I just don't think you'll like the answer."

I opened my mouth. Then I closed it. "I... don't want to know..." I said.

His eyes softened and he walked towards me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Then it was just an excuse. I did it so he wouldn't bug you anymore," he said.

I looked up and gave him a determined look. "I don't want to know, but I have to." Ryan seemed surprised and I took a deep breath. "Everytime I'm with you I feel like there's a second meaning to 'hang out'. You do things that drive me crazy like taking your shirt off at the park or saying that we have a 'date'. It's all things that make me... feel like there's something more," I said.

His eyes became unreadable and he stepped back. "I don't think you could take it," he said.

I glared at him. "Don't treat me like I'm stupid. You know what I've been through," I snapped. "I'm not a kid."

"You're right. You're not a kid," Ryan said. He backed me into the wall and my eyes widened as I stared at him. With his hands on either side of me he leaned forward. "And I know that you've been through a lot. But that's all the more reason to keep this to myself. After everything that's happened to you, you may not like what you hear."

I shook my head. "I have to hear it," I said.

Ryan leaned into my ear. "Are you absolutely sure you want to know?" he whispered. It wasn't a threat, but I could hear how serious he was. When I didn't reply, he stepped away and turned his back to me. "So, what if I do tell you? Will you give me an answer?" he asked.

I held my head high. "Of course," I said.

He was silent and then let out a small sigh. He turned around and looked me in the eye. "The second I met you something inside me went off. It messed with my head. Then it happened again when I met you at school. You were different, rebellious yet shy. I've always had to be a good kid, and to meet someone who was so different, so... opposite of me... It gave me a happy feeling, I wanted to more about you."

Ryan smiled. "So, I made ways to see you more so I could get to know you. What you liked to eat, what you enjoyed and what you hated; anything I could. Eventually, I grew to realize how distracted I was by you. My thoughts always had something to do with you. I would rather be around you than the people I'd known for years."

He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. "Whenever I talked to you, even if it was a text message or a phone call, I felt like the world was right. Like nothing could ever go wrong." His face showed pain. "But, after a while I felt tortured. It was horrible. I knew what you'd gone through and I didn't want to bring up bad memories. So, I kept my feelings to myself. Afraid of hurting you and losing you. I was okay with playing the friend as long as I could stay near you; it was worth it."

I blushed. "Oh..." I breathed. He really felt that way about me? 

"But, then that guy showed up. When I saw how he was treating you, and when he tried to take you away, I couldn't stand by as a friend. I had to do something. I had planned to just tell him to get lost but..." He laughed sadly. "I lost control. I loved you so much and when I saw what he was going to do to you my mind went blank. I did the first thing my brain told me to. I lied and said what I wanted to say. You... are not mine, and I'm not going to do what Connor did. I will never do that to you. I promise."

He wouldn't look at me and I rested my head against the wall as I looked at him. "You're right. I'm not yours, I don't want to be anyone's. I'm not an object to be possessed," I said. With every word, Ryan flinched and I could tell he was hurt by them. But I didn't stop, I wasn't finished yet. "I've been treated like a toy for too long. I don't want to be a play thing. I'm a person." I took a deep breath because I felt like I was about to break down. "I want someone who'll love me for real. Treat me the way I want and not to control me."

Ryan sighed. "I'm sorry for kissing you without asking. If you don't want to talk to me anymore I understand," he said.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. "I loved you too..." I said before stopping myself. Ryan looked up in surprise and I held up a hand to wait. "You were so kind to me even when I was a jerk to you. You never gave up on becoming my friend. Even when I told you flat out that that you annoyed me. It would be a waste," I smiled and looked at him, "to lose a friend like you."

He frowned and looked like he might cry. "You mean I can still talk to you? You're not going to push me away because I screwed up?" he said.

"You didn't screw up," I said, scoffed to hide my true emotions. "But even if you had, does a painter throw away a masterpiece just because he drew an apple instead of an orange?" I asked. His eyes watered and I frowned, grabbing his arms. "Oh, no. Don't you dare cry. I didn't give that sappy line just for you to break down in tears and not make some stupid retort back."

He sniffled and nodded. "Oh, what a poet," he croaked out with a smile. "You should think about a career."

"I don't think so," I said. 

I couldn't help a small laugh and Ryan's smile brightened. "So... all is forgiven?" he asked.

I smiled back. "All is forgiven," I said. He let out a relieved sigh and held out my hand. "Just don't do it again."

"Of course," he said quickly, taking my hand and shaking it. "But what will I do if Connor comes around again?" he joked.

I grinned. "Punch him," I said.

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