Not So Fine | Yoonmin

Chapter 26

Jimin POV

It's nearly a week after the news came out about who had been behind our demise in the media, Yoongi and I curled up in his bed. He's been practically more of a wreck in the last week than he had been when he finally gave me a second chance, more of a wreck than when he'd had to go to the doctor appointment on his own and returned to his place empty by my mistake. Laying curled up together in his bed is most of what we've done, though he gets up and sits on the counter next to me when I go to the kitchen to make us food. He's not been to the studio once since the video was released, and I can't tell if it's because of how he's been feeling on the medication or if he's feeling that much worse since hearing Taemin's confession.

It worries me all the same though, concerned for how much he's been struggling. We've not talked about his appointment or about the confession, there's frankly a lot of topics we've been staying away from. I don't know if that's burdening him more or not, I don't really know much of what's going on in his head anymore. He's become even more closed off than he had been when we were first together, and it worries me for what it bodes for us.

"How're you feeling, baby?" I murmur softly, shifting to put an arm behind my head so that I can prop myself up enough to look down at him. He's curled into my side with his head resting on my chest, our legs tangled together. He lets out a long sigh at the question, and I purse my lips as I try not to overthink everything.

"I'm still here, aren't I?"

The pain in his voice is evident, probably the most honesty in his emotions I've gotten from him since his appointment. I can't tell if he's feeling the same way I am in regards to how little he's let me in, if he's just exhausted from trying to hold it all together, or what it is. It has tears forming in my eyes, trying hard to be strong for him after all the hell I know I'm responsible for putting him through.

"You know, you never said how your appointment went with the doctors." I breathe out, unsure of how well this topic could possibly go, unsure of whether this is a good idea or not.

"You never asked."

His voice is a mere whisper this time, and seconds later I can feel his tears beginning to wet the shirt I'm wearing. It makes me feel guilty, enough to have me remaining silent for a moment, not wanting to speak when I'm as choked up as I am, not wanting to risk making him feel any worse.

"You don't ask about much these days, Jiminie. You don't wear the ring I gave you either. I... Are you sure you still want to do this? That I'm still what you want?"

My eyes screw shut at his words, at the torrent of tears that flood my cheeks, trying like hell to continue sucking in enough oxygen to breathe properly, to keep from shaking underneath him. My shirt is quickly soaked from his own tears though, only making me feel worse, wondering if it'd hurt less if someone actually physically ripped my heart from my chest.

"I-I feel like I'm nothing more than a burden on you. A-and if that's all I am, then just say it. Please. Just say it and leave. I love you more than life itself, Jiminie, but it hurts worse to have you here and feeling like I'm only ever a burden to you than it does not having you in my life at all. I'm in enough pain with this fucking disease and its reminder of what we've been through. It's suffocating enough. Please, I promise I understand if you can't do this. I can't take much more of feeling like a burden on you though. It was never what I was supposed to be to you."

He's trembling at this point, his entire body shaking just as much as his voice is, and it's what has me gasping for air, not having realized that I've been putting him in this much pain. It makes me wonder if this is something truly salvageable, makes me wonder if this relationship truly is something that I can save, wondering if I have any real clue anymore of what the hell I'm doing. I've been doing everything I can to be what I thought he needed and it seems like everything I've done has done nothing but backfired on us both. I'm not even upset with Yoongi over the matter, over feeling like I keep messing things up, know that this isn't his fault. It could never be his fault.

I was the one who ruined us ultimately. I was the one who didn't answer his calls like he wanted me to. I was the one who didn't stay off social media like he'd told me to. I was the one who let Taemin convince me that it really might've been Yoongi who was at fault. I was the one who let Taemin block him. I was the one who never reached out.

I'm the one who came back out the blue demanding answers. I'm the one that go came back far too late. I'm the one who pushed Yoongi to give us, give me, another try. I'm the one who pushed him to go to the doctors and then didn't go with him, the one who wasn't even here when he returned. I'm the one who's been so wrapped up in trying to get our freedom back, so wrapped up in trying to be what I think he needs.

I'm the one who hasn't bothered to so much as ask him what he needs from me.