diary of an anonymous author

who i am now (brain dump)

wow.

writing every two years, primarily drunk, REALLY gives you a whole different perspective on life.

i think i've decided that your 20s are a WHOLE transition period. the whole time. no if, ands, or buts.

i've spent the entire time questioning who i am, what i do, who i'm with, and more.

and i think that is what your 20s is supposed to be.

questioning who you are until you figure it the fuck out.

having no fucking clue what you are doing at any given time.

MAKING RISKY DECISIONS BECAUSE IT DOESNT MATTER!!!

i know i'm writing this as a (sober) adult, but it's something i've really been consdering.

i am considered an adult. in every sense of the word. by my parents, my siblings, my friends, my students, and my colleagues. but i'm not.

however, it's not because of my actions.

it's not because i came out of retirement and went back to cheer.

it's not because i'm injured as hell (i am and i'm really scared i won't come back from it)

it's not because i don't write for pleasure anymore (which is true)

it's because i am NOT!

i have the brain to do the right things, but the youthfulness to give myself grace to progress, grow, and begin anew.

to be truthful... i applied for a job today. do i want a new job? no, not necessarily

do i want more money? yes, absolutely.

but, i'm really scared i'm going to get complacent. i'm scared to stay stagnant right now.

additionally, i'm scared i'm not being appreciative of what i have right now.

IDK BEING IN YOUR 20S IS WEIRD!!!

i'm also 24 NOW!!!! 24. i read some shit that 18 year old me wrote and sit with my jaw dropped.

in some ways, she had more capacity for feeling and love than i have now.

i've had... one actual boyfriend since lethardnon and i can easily say that i got HUMBLED very quickly.

man's name is logan (also real bc who actually gives a fuck? man was garbago-beans).

i cared WAY too much about him because I wanted to be in love. and i let myself love him because i thought he loved me. then i got the shit beat out of me (metaphorically) and got dropped by a man that doesn't hold a fucking candle to the sunshine i am (in every way including physically *note: i am an incredibly hot curvy woman).

and i don't mean that to be cocky or even confident. but it's true.

there are many areas where i shine. to me, i care if people are impressed by my professional and academic life. YES and that alone is something that is cool as hell about me. it is something that should be deeply appreciated. I'm going to be a MOTHERFUCKING DR.. in ed.. not in med. fuck that noise.

but i AM!!! I AM GONNA DO IT! AND THAT IS COOL AS HELL!!

every man i've ever dated gets to look back at their lives and they can say i was a crazy bitch or neurotic and insecure and i don't give a fuck because they can't say that i'm not hard working and fucking accomplished. as they SHOULD.

however, i say this to get to a point... although i'm working on myself personally, that doesn't mean that i don't deserve love. additionally, my academic and professional achievements aren't the only thing i should be proud of, nor that i should picutre as making myself deserving. i'm a cool bitch.

i cope with anxiety by staying busy as fuck. and you know what? i'm having a really fucking great time (despite being injured).

OH YEAH, SIDE NOTE: i came out of cheer retirement in august 2024. definitely crazy and stupid and my body really hurts, but i don't regret a single second of it. even the 4 am mornings and the midnight get homes. i really am so fucking happy and grateful to get to be doing what i'm doing.

i spent years regretting so many things. and this has been my second opportunity. even though things have been different than they would've if i had stayed through it the first time, i can't go back and change that. i'm happy with my second chance. i'm just happy i'm doing it. i'm tired and i'm full, but i'm the one that begged for a full plate. the universe provided.

this has been SUCH a clumpy mess. but have you ever done that? actually, i can answer that because i know that future k is the only one reading this right now.

let's make it a little game. let's make it the format going forward? idk, i'm not gonna stick to something like that. my favorite thing about this little journal is that its fleeting and distant.

it's probably so jealous of my paper journal.

ANYWAYS. let me use this as my little... letter to myself opportunity. i have to write one and give it to my coach in a couple of days anyways.

SO.

dear future k,

they hot stuff.

i really love the fact that i can picture you reading this YEARS from now. i wish i had had that clarity when we were 18. think about all the "Fun" (depressing) shit we would know now. 

idek what to say! it's a lot of pressure to write to yourself at an undisclosed time. it's a lot to think about who you are and what you are doing.

i just want you to know that i'm struggling with being injured right now. i am constantly worried that i won't be back to normal fror stunting. i am so fucking stressed. it's the only thing i want. this is the only thing i want to be doing and if i can't do it? i'll be so devastated.

i know we'd get through it and i'm really hoping that i'm being a crazy dramatic bitch.. but i'm really stressed about it lowkey.

but, i do want you to know how grateful i am to be alive right now. i love my apartment, my friends, my job, MY LIFE. i love it so much i don't know how to function. and i also want you to know that you couldn't have appreciated it more even if you are thinking that you could've.

it's okay to take right now to focus on us and fight for our shit

at some point you'll get ahead and you'll be satisifed. but right now? you're worried over shit that doesn't matter. i really just want to try to do shit in little incriments. like right now, my goal is to get my homework done tomorrow night and at least one lesson done during work tomorrow.

then i can progress monitor and do all of my shit. but the good news is that it always works out. i always make it work. i will adjust to this new schedule and i will get back in the groove of doing amazing shit.

the thing i want to add to make this somewhat special is let you know the song that's playing right now. i want you to listen to it when you start your response and then let me know what song you finish on.

then, you gotta respond (you can yap about whatever you want). maybe this will be some fun.. at least i hope so.

i'm gonna go to bed.

but, i really do love us and you.

i love me.

goodnight,

k

finishing song: want you back by 5 seconds of summer (this song got 16/17 year old me through a LOT of trauma)

ps. i'm getting my second masters and this shit blows so bad. i should've just gone straight to doctorate.

pps. i was gonna try to start writing again tonight.. but i don't think i'm ready.

ppps. song has updated bc i took to long adding pses "the remedy for a broken heart by xxxtentacion"