Fate | Baldwin IV

farewell

Baldwin's POV

"My son, you're back!" Mother's voice rang down the corridor before I reached her. She hurried toward me with a wide smile, goblet in hand, wine sloshing over the rim as she spread her arms. "I thought you'd retired for the evening," she said. "I was just about to go freshen up—"

"Mother I am riding for Kerak at dawn." I walked past her, knowing she'd fall into step behind me once she heard it anyway. "Handle the guests with Uncle Joscelin, and see that my wife gets some rest. She's losing her mind."

As predicted, her footsteps hurried after mine. "Kerak?" she repeated as she hurried to catch up to me, brows furrowed. "Why? What is going on?" She grabbed my arm to stop me, forcing me to face her properly.

I drew in a sharp breath before turning to her. "Farrukh Shah is coming. He will attack," I explained. "I will meet Raynald there to hold the borders. I have to go."

"I will go with you," she said immediately, almost lunging to my side.

"No, you won't." I glanced back at her with a scoff. "Don't be ridiculous."

Her face crumpled into fear, eyes widening before she cried in disbelief, "You're sick!"

"So?"

She handed her goblet to a passing servant to clutch her skirts with both hands as she desperately tried to keep pace. "You cannot expect me to stay here and do nothing when it is certain you'll die!"

"And you'll be able to change my fate and keep me alive somehow?" I shook my head, my gaze fixed straight ahead as we rounded a corner. "That's blasphemy, mother."

"I want to be there for you," she pleaded. "You're my only son!"

"Mother, enough. It is getting late and I'm yet to speak with Uncle and find Grand Master Arnold. Go and break the news to the others."

"Baldwin..." She slowly fell back, breathless and defeated.

"Do what I say."

The sound of her footsteps ceased before she called after me, "What about your baby?"

I paused, the question striking like a fist. My baby.

My composure faltered for a moment, as if my heart swelled inside and was stabbed by my own ribs, for the cage around could no longer contain the ache of it. I swallowed down the sore lump in my throat, and forced the cough back that choked me.

"I'll come back," I managed to say with what steadiness I could muster as I stood frozen. "If God wills it, I'll return before the birth."

"You told your wife that, too?" she scoffed dryly. "No wonder she's losing her mind. You don't believe it yourself, how can anyone else?"

"I've already bid her farewell," I snapped, sharply facing her. "Now, I'm not courting my own death, I will do everything in my power to settle this peacefully and come back home. As soon as I'm able." I pressed my lips together, taking a deep breath to calm my chest. "Don't make it harder than it already is."

For a moment, she merely stood still. "So stubborn..." The murmur slipped past her lips as she stared at me. "Just like your father."

"No, just like my mother." I turned away, done with the conversation. "If you care to see me off at dawn, be in the courtyard. Goodbye."

She stopped following me then, watching me disappear down the hall without another word. Good. It spared her the sight of the tear I quickly brushed away with my sleeve.

I hastened my steps, avoiding the looks of the servants and guards on patrol—though I knew, deep down, they were not watching at all. How would they dare? No, it was not their gaze I fled.