Lonely eyes

Chapter 13

Colton's P.O.V
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I drive to the park where I first met Alex, I park the car putting the keys in my pocket and walk to the willow tree. I look at where I saw her sitting listening to her music I walk around the tree roots letting my hands gently wrap them selfs in the long flimsy branches, I sigh running a hand through my hair pulling back and punching the tree trunk then screaming.. Just letting it all go all the anger from my mother, from seeing Alex crippled under her step mom, at myself, I just scream till there's nothing left.

I lean my elbows to the tree, " what the fuck did I just do." I say to myself opening my eyes as I breathe in and out watching the ants run back and forth in perfect little lines along the bark of the tree, I turn and press my back into the bark looking up at the broken strays of sunlight from the willow tree arm like branches. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore." I speak to the sky, to who? Hell if I knew anymore. I just walked back to the car and pull out one of my moms packs of cigarette from the carton in the door.

I turn it in my hand, I haven't smoked in about six months but right now I didn't care. I packed the box before taking off the plastic wrap then turning the fourth and twentieth cigarettes upside right, the lucky 4;20 I guess old habits die hard. I finally take out a random from the pack closing it and sliding it into my front pocket then reach over to the glove box, popping it open and search around for the lighter. Wrapping my fingers around it then clicking the box close then leaning back out of the car and closing the door behind me then leaning up against it as I light the cancer stick and inhaling deeply, just another habit back to haunt me.

I exhale smiling as I feel all this stress leave with the smoke from my lungs I couldn't care if this is bad for me, now a days what isn't right? It's my life. I bring the cigarette back to my lips just letting every little bottled up thing go with each slow exhale of smoke.

***

I pull up into the drive way an hour before I would have to actually go get my mom I don't know what I'm going to tell Alex. I sigh locking the car as I open the front door, as I walk into the house I look up the stairs when I hear a shuffling in the living room. Alex is asleep on the couch a blanket caped over her as I walk closer I notice red marks down her neck and her face puffy, 'was she crying?' I think to my self.

I was about to reach out and touch her cheek when James steps up next to me and whispers "don't do that.." He pauses looking at her then to me and continues, "she just calmed down enough to go to sleep let her rest." I look at him weird.

"Just calmed down?" I asked confused. James nodded his head, "what were you thinking son, after you left she broke completely down had anxiety attack, she was crying hysterically I had to hold her wrist to get her to stop clawing at herself.. Look Colton she told me what happened and you can't do that to.. Uh normal girls go to say, it's a killer for self esteem... Then you did it to her, her who has lost everything and is barley hanging on, her with anxiety and paranoia, you told me yourself you have to be careful with her that she's fragile"

"So why is it you did that.." He finishes looking at me now. I look at her my heart breaking I can't believe I had caused all that, I nod my head towards the front door and he follows me out. Once outside I pull the pack of cigarettes from my pocket taking one and lighting it, James looks at me funny "When you start that again?" He ask. I shrug "Today." I chuckle even though there's nothing about this that was funny it was just there, I sigh running my other hand through my hair for the 100th time today and look at him, him who has became my father.

"James.. I didn't think I could stop, if I started... No"I shook my head then taking a hit and exhaling continuing, "no I knew that if I were to go all the way that if she had gotten scared in the middle... I" I look down ashamed of how I felt though it was true, " I wouldn't have been able to stop" I look at him as he reaches out for the cigarette.

I hand it to him, "I love her, but I love her in a dangerous way James... I need her I crave her.. It's like she's my drug." He sighs while exhaling of smoke and says, "if the love doesn't scare the living shit out of you then it isn't real, and with the stopping thing Colton every one gets there, it's what's so addicting about love the rush the fear, fear is good it means you don't want to lose her, trust me you'll be able to stop your not that guy Colton your not your father.." He says handing me back the cigarette.

My hands clinch, "how do you know that!" I raise my voice, "how does anyone know that, you know I hear my mother say that, 'oh you'll never be your father your so much better' blah blah blah!!" I shout my voice horsed as tears choke my words. I sigh and whisper "He is my father, his DNA is in me.. Half of me James... How do you know that I'm not like him?" I question while blinking the tears that threatens my water line away.

James sighs and claps his hand down on my shoulder, "I know you get tired of hearing it and I know you know that you aren't like him but I guess you don't feel that way and I know that it's hard to believe something when you know it but don't feel it... And I bet that feeling you got today doesn't help any of that but danmmit Colton you are not your father and weather you think so or not you need to believe it, and let it go cause if you don't your going to lose that gorgeous girl in there cause she's gonna feel like she's the cause of you not touching her, and I promise that by the looks of it ... Either of you could handle that."

I stare at him, he's right.. I'm not my father and I couldn't handle losing her and either could she. "Thank you." I says as I drop the cigarette and step it out before pulling him into a hug, "seriously, thank you." I say then pull out of the hug and look at him again, "I don't care what anyone says James, your my dad not that low life ok?" I pat his shoulder as I open the door.

"Thank you Colton." He says as I step in the door I just smile at him before walking to the couch and crotch down beside her placing my hand on her cheek rubbing my thumb in circles as I watch her slow even breathes. "She looks so peaceful." I say to no one exactly maybe to her or maybe myself but James answers "yah, hey how about I go get your mom tonight?" I nod my head reaching into my pocket and tossing him the keys, then stand up sliding in behind her only disturbing her a little as I adjust myself and tangling my arm up her chest and in between her arms.

I hide my face in her hair and the crease of her neck. Whispering to myself, "I'm so sorry baby, I love you and I'll explain it all soon... I'm sorry."

I feel her shift and notice her turning into me, rolling on her other side facing my chest. "It's okay." She whispers her voice soft filled with sleepiness. I play with her hair, pushing it out of her face brushing it out across her back smoothing it of all tangles. I notice her smiling then hear her humming in her throat making me smile. I just hold her close and enjoy the closest to her again, when I was about ready to drift off to sleep she says, "Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it, and accept it." I look down at her confused but see her eyes are closed and she's just cuddled up to my chest "baby? You okay?" She opens her eyes and looks at me smiling "hm? Yeah." She closes her eyes again.

I just chuckle to myself as I realize how right she is about being strong, I don't know if she even knows what she said which makes it even more cute. I kiss her forehead laying my head back down as I drift off to a blissful sleep with my everything in my arms and right at that moment, nothing was wrong.