The Big V #Wattys2016

Hearing Him Out

Blog #21:

My night with Nick was crazy and I honestly think I was just in a bad head space. Although I do have to say that the feelings were real. I just don't know if it were love or lust, but that was a week ago and I'm still not returning Ricky's calls or texts.

Not only was he blocked on all social media but he continues to send messages through LaLa who's clearly Team Ricky. She knows about the Nick situation and pointed out that it was messy because she's close to both of them and they're supposed to be friends. I guess she was right, but none of that mattered now because I'm finally in a position where I don't want to cry or scream every time I hear Ricky's name.

I took LaLa's advice last night and decided to return his calls from her phone (since he was still blocked on mine). There was nothing to explain but I was doing it for me. I needed closure. He answered as the first ring faded and asked how I been and how were my grades and work.

B: "They're fine. You keep making LaLa your little messenger. What do you want?"
Ricky: "I think you know what's going on and I really just want a chance to explain myself. I know I hurt you but I wanna meet up with you, like old times."
B: "I don't know about that. I don't even want to see you."
Ricky: "Can you please just hear me out? I know you've done a lot for me but I just wanna prove to you I'm really down for you. Can we go out to eat tomorrow night? Please?" he asked. He was really pressed to see me and I figured since I was never getting back with his lying ass, I had nothing to lose.

B: "What time?"
Ricky: "Eight."
B: "Okay."
Ricky: "B?"
B: "Yeah?" I asked annoyed.
Ricky: "I love you."

I hung up the phone and handed it to LaLa, who was listening to the conversation since he was on speaker. She made a face.

LaLa: "You okay?"
B: "I'm good. I think it'd be good to go. For closure."
LaLa: "I agree. You gonna tell him about Nick?"
B: "Why does he need to know? We no longer in a relationship."
LaLa: "Right but he dap him up and smile in his face every time he walk in the crib or before they go on the field. You don't think he should
know?"
B: "He and Vanessa didn't think I should've known. He lied to my face. I'm tired of caring more than he does."
LaLa: "It's okay to still care. I commend you, though. It's sad too because I know he a good guy. I think it'd be good for the both of yall to have this conversation."
B: "You know, I don't even know what Nick and I are right now. We just vibin' and I like it. I feel good knowing somebody down for me and that he shows me- in public or not."
LaLa: "I want yall to see where this goes, but I'm just warning you. Again- it's messy. They play on the same team and live together."

I took her words into consideration as my head hit the pillow. I tossed and turned, eager to see how tomorrow's day would play out. Ricky was humble and low key. He never was pressed for females. Nick was cocky and a ladies man. He lives to chase and get what he wants.

Even if Ricky genuinely loved me, cheating was a mistake I wasn't forgiving. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I have no more trust in him.

None.

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I waited at the table of the crowded and busy Applebee's. I didn't like their food much but it was Ricky's favorite, so I just went along. I took a sip of my second margarita, which was now half way full.

I flipped my hair over my shoulder and did last minute checks, pulling out my mini mirror to make sure everything was good. I wasn't fucking with Ricky ever again, but I wanted him to see me and miss what he had. See me and regret what he did. See me walking away, staring at my ass and wishing it was his, again.