Clandestine {Loki Fanfic}

Eight

Back in Loki's chambers he put her down gently on the couch in front of the fire, and she put her frozen hands out toward it, feeling the burn on her palms. He handed her a hot cup of sweet tea and sat down next to her.

"Drink." he said, and she took a slow sip, letting the hot liquid trickle over her tongue and down her throat, warming her from the inside.

"Thank you. For the tea, and the cloak."

Loki sat beside her staring into the flickering fire in pensive silence.

"Only one woman has ever had the audacity to speak to me that way," he said finally. His voice was soft and gentle, but she wondered if that was just so she wouldn't expect the blow that was inevitably coming. "She was one of only two people I have ever truly loved and respected in my life. You are playing a dangerous game here, Megan. The safest thing you can do right now is return to Midgard."

"Are you releasing me? Would you allow me to return?"

"Yes. I do not like feeling like this, I am not in control. I never know if I am going to hurt you or... something else. So yes, you should return to Midgard."

Emotions slammed into Megan like a freight train, and before she could process any of them tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was trembling. Loki pulled her on to his lap and she felt him inhale her hair, which now fell loose over her shoulders. Megan was unable to make sense of anything. This was the man who choked her, cracked her head into a wall and left her with bruises again and again. And yet in his lap, in his arms, she felt something unexpected. He was soft and gentle and she felt safe. She didn't want to return home yet, and she wasn't entirely convinced that was only because her mission was incomplete. Without either of them realising it, Megan had laid her head on his chest, and Loki was running his fingers slowly through her hair.

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Megan pulled the blankets around her and snuggled into her pillow, praying that it wasn't yet light outside. Opening one eye she could see that it was still dark, but there was a very faint glow around the edge of the curtains and she knew the sun would be up soon. She sat up in bed and rubbed her face. Her eyes felt like sandpaper and her nose and cheeks were puffy. She sniffled a little and the full force of the night before came back to her. She had been curled up on Loki's lap, in his arms. And now she was in bed in her pajamas. Curling her knees up to her chest, she buried her face in the blanket between them. She had no idea what was going on, but the stillness she had felt only a couple of days ago was long gone, replaced with a tumult of emotions she struggled to keep in check. I want this to be over. I want to let him in, I want him to know the truth. I want him to trust me and to trust him, I want to feel the security I felt in his arms.

With that thought her face snapped up and she clapped a hand over her mouth. No. No, Megan. You could never... not with him... he's a god, a murderer, a crazy bastard who can't control his temper. You should be back in Midgard as quickly as he will send you. And yet... he could have easily sent me last night, and he didn't. Why?

Before she knew what she was doing, Megan was up and in the shower, and then putting on the emerald green dress Loki had given her. It was heavy silk, just like the plum one she had brought with her, and felt like heaven on her skin. She left her hair loose, brushing it carefully so it fell straight down her back.

She was startled to find Loki already up and dressed in leather pants and a deep green shirt. He looked up at her from the couch with a look of... remorse? Regret? Megan couldn't pin it down. As she walked out he stood up and moved toward her, tentatively as though he expected her to pull away or strike him. She stood in front of him, silent, looking in to his eyes for some sort of sign or unspoken word, and saw nothing but pale blue, tinged red as though he hadn't slept. He reached to her sides and took her hands in his, bringing them together, sandwiched between his own, Megan's disappearing in the sheer size of his palms and length of his fingers as they clasped around them. Loki looked down at their entwined hands and then back into Megan's bright green eyes, seeing how red and raw they were.

"Megan, I am sorry. For everything I have done, I am sorry. I have not cared this deeply for anyone before, and I have no right to upset you and hurt you the way that I have. If you would like to go home, I will send you immediately."

"Why didn't you send me last night?"

"I could not just send you to another realm in that state. I put you to bed and stayed here to make sure you were alright. Are you? Alright?"

"I don't know. Do you want me to go back?"

"I want you to be safe. I do not want to hurt you any more."

"So don't."

He released her hands and ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated. He gazed down into her eyes and put one hand gently on to her cheek, and Megan instinctively leaned into his palm, feeling it's warmth and softness on her skin. Before she could think Loki's lips were on hers, soft and gentle, as though just with that one act he might break her. After a few seconds he pulled away and rubbed her cheek bone with his thumb.

"Loki," Megan whispered.

"I am sorry. I could not let you go without... gather your things and we will go." He turned away and walked toward his bed chamber.

"Wait," she said quietly. "I'm not sure I want to."

"You should be. I am a monster. I have hurt you and I will hurt you again."

"Please, Loki. Let me think about it. Unless you want to send me away."

"Never," he said it so softly Megan wasn't sure she had heard it at all, but she wasn't about to ask him to repeat it. "But I will give you some time to think about it."