Clandestine {Loki Fanfic}

Sixteen

He took her inside to the living room and sat down cross legged on the soft black rug, asking Megan to do the same facing him. "Mother and I used to do this, it is how she helped me develop my abilities. Do not be afraid or nervous, you have the advantage because you know how to block me." Megan nodded. "But it is much more fun if you just trust me. Clear and calm your mind, and do not overthink. Ready?"

"I think so. Yes."

"Give me your hands, and close your eyes. Try not to speak unless you want me to stop. Remember I said I would show you how the dreams work? I could read you, but I am not going to. You are going to show me, push it out to me. Show me something beautiful, anything you like."

Megan thought for a moment and went with the beach she used to holiday at with her family. Gentle waves didn't so much crash on the shore as they fell over themselves, onto the smooth pure sand. The water glistened a beautiful blue, ocean spread out before her to the horizon. She could smell and taste the salt air, feel it and the sun on her skin, the cool water and the grit of the sand. Once she had it in her mind she mentally opened it up to Loki, she could feel him as though he were only an inch from her face. Suddenly he was there, on the beach, dragging her into the water, wrapping her arms around his neck as they went deeper into the cool salt water. Megan smiled, she never in a million years would have pictured Loki swimming in the ocean, but he was smiling back at her, his eyes burning in to her mind. He took her further out, and further still under the shore was far away. Just as she began to worry, he put her hands on to something metal - a ladder. A ladder attached to a very large boat. "This is more like it," he said as he climbed up and stood on the deck. Megan pulled on a pair of shorts over her red bikini which Loki swiftly removed with a wave of his hand, making her frown at him. "You don't need them darling, there's no one else here." She lay down on a lounge chair, soaking up the hot sun on her exposed skin.

Feeling a little bolder, Megan finally decided to see how far she could take it. Holding the image of both of them on the boat in her mind, she reached out for Loki's thoughts. As though she were in his mind, she could feel what he felt, his thoughts became her thoughts. She could see herself, she was watching herself lie back, only the bikini covering patches of her skin. This was how Loki saw her, the sun glistening on her smooth skin, reflecting the droplets of water before they slowly evaporated away. Her long wet hair that looked almost black, twisted over one shoulder. Loki sat in the shade of the wheelhouse, a cool breeze on his wet skin making him shiver. He looked over at Megan with something much deeper than the desire or lust she had expected. She stiffened when she recognised the emotion. Love. He loves me. From his mind she felt herself look over at him, her green eyes twinkling, gesturing for him to come and sit with her, and warm waves of content washed over them.

As he stood up she was jolted violently out of his thoughts, but not before an image was seared into her own mind, painful enough for her to pull her hands away from his.

Through Loki's eyes she saw herself, pressed up against the force field as it burned her skin, branding her face and hands, her stomach. She saw her own face contorted in pain, screaming silently with the torture of wishing for a death that couldn't come soon enough. She saw herself in his arms as he carried her to the healers, begging them to help her, her skin cracked open and weeping, bleeding, her own eyes dulled with surrender. Her feelings were not her own, she wasn't in pain, she wasn't tortured with suicidal thoughts. She was tortured with guilt. The kind of guilt that made her want to tear out her insides with her bare hands, find the lump in the pit of her stomach and use whatever sharp implement she could find to cut it out. Like a cancer it ate away at the happy feelings she had felt moments before, leaving behind it a blackened despair, an insurmountable summit of remorse and shame that left her doubled over and sobbing, unable to breathe.

"Megan, darling," Loki said, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"No! Don't touch me!" she shrugged his hands off forcefully and scooted backwards out of his reach, hugging her legs to her chest and sobbing in to her knees.

"Ok. Just breathe for me. Slowly." When her sobs turned to hiccups she lifted her head enough to look at him, only holding his gaze for a few moments. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"I think... I want to go home. I thought I could... but seeing myself like that... seeing your broken soul, the emptiness..." Megan knew she wasn't making sense, her mind felt like it had been through a blender.

"Would you let me take you? Be sure you're ok?" She nodded weakly, unsure she had the strength to go alone anyway.

Back at Avengers HQ Loki made himself invisible until they were in Megan's room. Loki was saddened by what he had done to her, aside from her seeing into all of his negativeness, his suppressed insecurities, he had completely neglected the fact that her mortal mind and body would be so exhausted and spent by that much exertion. She took out a pair of long cotton pajama pants and a singlet top, and Loki helped her undress, sitting her on the edge of the bed. He had promised not to touch her, only her clothing, and not to look at her, but he couldn't help seeing the scars over her smooth stomach and he stifled a whimper. He knew they weren't painful any more, but that didn't stop tears escaping on to his cheeks, and when one landed on Megan's bare thigh she looked up at him.

"What?"

Loki shook his head. "Here," he said, slipping the singlet gently over her head and watching her put her arms in and cover her midriff. "Lay down. Do you want me to go now or stay until you're asleep?"

"I want you to tell me why you're crying."

"Later. Rest now."

"No."

"Megan," he growled, and fresh tears spilled out when he saw her recoil and pull the covers up to her chest. "I am sorry, love. It's nothing, really. I saw your... the scars. I did that to you. Worse, I made you do it to yourself. And I will never forget it, and I will never forgive myself. You should not forgive me either, I do not deserve your forgiveness. I think it best if you remain here, and I in Asgard."

"But... you love me. I know it, I saw it, I felt it."

"Yes, I do. But that does not excuse my actions. In fact it makes them even more abhorrent."

"Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me you love me, I want to hear you say it."

"I can not. Rather, let my actions speak for me. They speak of the cruelty, torture, unrestrained anger. I am a monster, Megan. Nothing more. I am not capable of love."

"I don't believe that. I felt it with my own heart."

"Nonetheless, you will close your eyes and rest. When you awake, I will be gone. I will not hurt you any longer."

Megan was overcome with a sleepiness she had never felt before, the kind where it was quite literally impossible for her to keep her eyes open, and in seconds she was asleep. Loki left quietly after kissing her forehead and whispering his apologies again into her ear.