Trace of Innocence (No Control Book 3)

Chapter 38

(No Control - 38. Moments)

The show is emotional. Everytime I catch someone's eye I'm on the verge of tears.

When we sit down to sing Little Things Liam puts an arm around me. It takes everything I have to control my voice and keep singing. I nearly lose it when I see Louis sitting a few feet away with his arm around the air, pretending it's Zayn.

And when we sing Diana I just can't hold it in - I feel the tears coming and I have to bring my arm up over my face to hide my misery. I know the fans are onto it; they start screaming and I quickly scuttle away. I don't want this all over Twitter.

When we get backstage after Best Song Ever we give each other brief hugs, and get straight on the tour bus back to the hotel. We discuss the show at length, and all agree it went as well as could be expected. None of us are looking forward to the meetings tomorrow, when it will really hit home that he is gone for good and not coming back.

We fall silent after a while, and I pull my phone out of my pocket and switch it on. My heart lifts when I see I have a new voicemail from Jess, but I wait until I am back in my hotel room alone before I listen to it.

"Hey Harry, it's Jess. Sorry I missed all your calls. I've just heard about Zayn... I can't believe it... I hope you're OK and, um, Jakarta went as well as it could. I'm just leaving my conference now so I'll be in the car for a bit, so, um, call me if you want, or I'll be home in about an hour or so. Um, ok, bye."

She sounds nervous, and I smile to myself that she knows which show we were playing tonight. I knew she was a fan.

I desperately need a shower, but that can wait. I'm calling her back first.

I flop onto the bed on my stomach and press Call.

It rings several times and I'm just about to hang up when she answers:

"Hey, you're on speaker, but if you hang on, I'm just pulling over and I'll get out."

"OK," I tell her, and wait.

"Jess, what are you doing? It's pissing down out there," I hear someone say. It's a girl's voice.

"I'll be alright," Jess replies. "Back in a minute."

Is she talking to me? I'm not sure.

"Harry, I'm just disconnecting the bluetooth, hold on," she says, and I mutter, "OK."

There's a scuffling and an electronic beep, and then Jess comes on the line, much clearer now.

"Are you still there?" she asks. I can hear traffic noise in the background.

"Yeah, I'm here," I reply.

"Are you OK?" she asks, and the concern in her voice makes me want to spill my guts to her and tell her everything from start to finish, but I know I can't. I'm not allowed.

"No, not really," I say with a sigh. "I'm gutted."

"What happened?" she asks, and I throw caution to the wind.

"He just said he didn't want to do it anymore," I hear myself say. "He called me early this morning and I just knew something was wrong, cos it was like 2am in the UK. And he just said he was really sorry but he couldn't carry on, it was either his life with Perrie or his life with the band, and he had to go with his heart."

I shouldn't be fucking saying any of this, but it's out of my mouth before I can stop it.

"Oh my God," she says, and I realise I've just told a fan one of the biggest insider conversations ever. Modest's statement didn't even mention Perrie. If this gets out, it will be catastrophic.