Trace of Innocence (No Control Book 3)

Chapter 73

(No Control - 73. 18)

"No," she says, and her voice sounds high pitched and strange. "No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't do that to me."

Still, even after me admitting the truth, she can't believe it of me. I can't believe it of myself, either. I'm crying harder now, not even attempting to hide it.

"I'm so sorry," I tell her again.

"Stop saying that!" she hisses. "What happened?"

Good question. What did fucking happen? I wish I knew.

"I... I don't really remember much...," I begin.

"Well fucking try!" she screams, making me jump.

"She just came back to my hotel," I mutter quickly, "after we'd left the bar. I didn't plan it, I swear. I was drunk.. so drunk, Jess.. I couldn't even walk straight... I didn't know what I was doing."

I know I probably sound like I'm rambling, but I can't think straight. I daren't tell her about the Speed. She'll be even more disgusted.

"You managed to have sex, so you can't have been that confused," she reminds me.

"I'm so sorry..," I say, miserably. "I wish I could go back and change it. When I woke up, I felt sick. When I realised what I'd done... to you, to us..."

Another sob rises in my throat and I break off, trying to control my voice. I have no right to be crying over this, but I can't help it. I may have been the one who ruined everything but that doesn't mean I am hurting any less than she is.

"I can't believe this, Harry. I can't believe you would do this."

I can hear the tears in her voice. She sounds genuinely heartbroken, and knowing I have caused her this pain makes me feel even worse. I muffle my sobs in the crook of my arm and take a deep breath.

"How many others have there been?" she asks, suddenly.

I honestly didn't see that one coming. How could she think that of me?

Don't answer that.

"None, I swear to you!" I insist. "I have never been unfaithful to you before. I've never been unfaithful to anyone."

"But you made an exception for me," she snipes. "Thanks."

I didn't mean it like that, she's getting it all wrong.

"No, I.... don't say it like that.."

"Why not?" she shouts. "It's the truth. It shows how much you think of me."

"I think the world of you," I tell her, my voice wobbling again, but I know she doesn't believe me. The damage is done; I've broken her trust and she will never forgive me.

"Oh please!" she yells. "Don't you dare insult me with shit like that. This whole thing was just a game to you, wasn't it? Being charming and wonderful and making me fall in love with you... and the minute I admit it, you drop me like a hot potato for the type of girl you really want."

Her words rip through my heart and drop into my stomach like lead bullets. I can't believe she would think so little of herself. How could she think any of this was a game?

"No!" I plead. "Baby, of course this wasn't a game, and I don't want anyone else."

"Don't... call... me... Baby..." she spits. "And you can't say you don't want anyone else, because you did and you had her!"

I can't argue with that. Nothing I can say can excuse what I have done.

"I'm so sorry," I offer again. I wish I could stop crying, or at least do it silently. I'm worse than useless at the moment, and she doesn't need my own self-pity on top of everything else I've just presented to her.