Trace of Innocence (No Control Book 3)

Chapter 72 - part iv

(No Control - 72. Last First Kiss, fourth part)

My head hurts. My chest hurts. Everything fucking hurts.

I haven't even opened my eyes yet, but I can tell this will hurt too. My entire body aches. Why?

I open one eye. I'm in an unfamiliar room. Nothing new there. A hotel? Must be. I hear breathing next to me. Jess.

I turn over and see the sleeping figure beside me and start to speak.

"J-"

The words die on my lips as I see the mane of dark hair on the pillow. What the fuck? Who the fuck is in my bed? How did they get in? Where's my security?

Dale. Where the fuck is Dale?

A memory of him nodding at me and slipping out of the room last night flashes before me.

Sara.

I sit up and stare at the girl beside me, horror creeping over me as the events of last night come flooding back, hitting me so hard I feel winded. Oh my God. What the fuck have I done?

I had sex. I had sex with someone else.

No no no no no no NO. This can not be happening. This can not be fucking happening to me. It can't be real, it can't.

It is real.

Which means I've ruined the best thing in my life. Me and Jess.... it's over. We're over.

I stagger out of bed as I feel bile rising in my throat and only just make it to the bathroom in time before I projectile-vomit into the toilet. It's mostly liquid, and there isn't much. I dry heave for what feels like an eternity until my body stops shaking and retching.

I've lost her. I know she won't forgive this.

I lie on the tiled floor, pressing my cheek against the marble. I can't process it. I can't take it in.

I've cheated on Jess. I've been unfaithful to the love of my life. How the fuck did this happen? I wouldn't do that do her.

But I did.

How? Why?

I drag myself up and switch the shower on, and then stand under the jets staring at my feet, letting the water run across my face and drip down my nose.

My chest aches. My heart aches. Not because of my hangover, but for what I have lost. I have lost everything. I have nothing.

Jess doesn't even know.

I want to ring her, to ask her what I should do next, but I can't because she is the one I have to hurt; the one I have already hurt.

I can't do this. I can't deal with this. I can't be the one to break it to her. I can't be the one to deliver this bombshell.

But I have to be.

This is what I deserve. I don't deserve Jess. I never did. I am everything she was afraid of: a liar and cheat. Underhand. Selfish.

I reach for the shower gel and scrub every inch of my body, trying to wash away the disgust I feel, but I can't. I still feel dirty after ten minutes of scrubbing, so I give up. I switch the water off and wrap a towel around my waist. I avoid my reflection in the mirror. I can't bear to look at myself right now.

As I step back into the room my eyes are drawn to the bed. Sara is sitting up, the sheet pulled up around her body, but clearly wearing nothing. She smiles shyly at me. I look away.

"Morning," she says, softly.

I clear my throat. "Morning."

My voice sounds strangely normal. I say strangely, because everything has changed and anything that resembles normality feels weird.