Trace of Innocence (No Control Book 3)

Chapter 18

(No Control - 18. God Only Knows)

Mum makes me a cup of tea and we sit down at the table in the kitchen.

"How was the drive up?" she asks. "You made good time."

"It was pretty clear," I tell her.

"Gemma's popped out to see some friends," she says, "and Robin's gone to Homebase for some picture hooks so he'll be back in a bit."

I nod, and glance at my phone as a message comes through, but it's just Grimmy asking how I got on last night. I'll text him back later.

Mum is watching me, her eyes full of concern.

"You look tired, love," she says.

"I am," I say truthfully. "I didn't get much sleep last night, and I'm still jet-lagged."

"Why don't you go upstairs and get your head down for a bit?" she suggests.

"Yeah, I might do later."

I haven't seen my mum in ages though. I've missed our chats. I'll go up in a bit.

"How are the other boys?"

I sigh. "Alright. Louis and Eleanor are having problems. When she came over to Australia last month it was sort of a make-or-break thing. They were arguing a lot when she was there, and they've been bickering on the phone since she left, so he's been moodier than usual. And Zayn..." I trail off, picking at a dried drop of milk stuck to the table.

Mum doesn't say anything, but I know she's waiting for me to continue.

"Zayn's been.... stressed," I say. "He's having a hard time at the moment. Perrie's been giving him bother. She misses him, he misses her, he misses his family...." I pause for a moment before continuing. "Like, I get it, I really do. We all miss home. But he's taking everything out on us and it's causing friction. Everyone's been on eggshells around each other lately and it feels like someone is just going to explode one of these days and say something they'll regret. I dunno..." I sigh again. "I think we all really need this break."

I look up at Mum and she's nodding sympathetically. "You're all under so much pressure," she says. "I think sometimes the world forgets you're only just out of your teens..."

"I'm 21," I protest.

"Yes, but you've been doing this for almost five years now. You were all so young when you were thrust into the spotlight and you had to grow up extremely quickly. You've accomplished so much in such a short time. I'm very, very proud of you," she smiles.

"Thanks, Mum."

"It sounds like a week at home is what you all need," she says. "I'm glad you decided to come here instead of staying in London."

"I just wanted a rest," I confess.

"I know you do, sweetheart." She hesitates, before saying, "Have you spoken to Nadine?"

"Not for a while," I mutter.

She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. "I know this sounds like a cliché but it's her loss."

"You have to say that, you're my mum," I tease.

"It doesn't make it any less true," she smiles. "If she can't trust you, you'll never be happy together."

I'd already told Mum that I got dumped because apparently I can't be trusted. It still fucking grates on me.

"I never would have cheated on her," I sigh, looking out of the window and remembering the feel of Jess's hair tickling my arms as I kissed her in my bedroom last night.

Shit, I mean Nadine. I mean I'm thinking about Nadine.

"I know, love. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"Mmmm," I murmur, feeling confused that I don't feel as heartbroken as I'd previously thought.

"Do you love her?" Mum is asking.

"Yeah, I think I did," I nod slowly.

"Did?" she questions.

"Do. Did. I dunno." I run my hand through my hair.

"Did you tell her?"

"Yeah," I admit, feeling a blush rise in my cheeks. "She never said it back, though."

"Maybe she was waiting for the right moment?"

"Or maybe she didn't feel it at all," I sigh. "Maybe I didn't really feel it either. I don't know anymore."

"You seem confused," Mum says softly. She knows when I'm not telling her something.

I'm not about to tell her I had a one night stand with a stranger last night, but part of me wishes I could ask her advice on this. I want to ask her why I don't feel as sad about Nadine right now. I want to ask her why it's Jess who was in my thoughts all the way here in the car.

I think I know what she'll say. Jess was just what I needed to take my mind off Nadine, and my thoughts are consumed by Jess at the moment because she's fresh in my mind. I know this is the logical explanation, and it makes sense.

My phone beeps with a message and my heart jumps as I reach for it.

I honestly don't know who I'm hoping it will be.

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