Trace of Innocence (No Control Book 3)

Chapter 76

(No Control - 76. Don't Let Me Go)

When I lay my eyes on Jess my heart gives a lurch and my stomach squeezes, sending a jolt of nerves right through me. The way she is looking at me makes my heart ache, and for a split second I wonder if she is here to forgive me, and this thought lifts me, before I remember what I must do.

I can't believe she's actually come all this way.

"You came," I murmur, almost to myself.

"I need closure," she says, softly.

"I know," I say, with a sigh.

I am so unbelievably sad. How did we get here? How did I ruin everything when I was so sure she was what I wanted. What I want. I am so confused.

I nudge the door with my foot so it closes behind me, giving us privacy, but I stay where I am. I'm afraid if I let myself too near her I will pull her into my arms and never let her go.

"You don't have to keep your distance," she says, a little too loud. "I don't bite. Or hit. Even when I want to."

The harsh tone of her voice brings me up short and I lift my head and gaze into her eyes.

"Do you want to?" I ask, half afraid of the answer.

"Hit you? Yes and no," she answers. "Honestly, I want to hurt you as much as you've hurt me. But I don't think any physical injury I could inflict upon you would even come close to the way you've made me feel."

Her words are blunt, her tone clipped. Simple, but effective.

I feel a fresh stab of pain at her plain admission of how I have hurt her, and my eyes dart away from her, as though hearing these words without looking at her face might somehow make this easier.

"I'm sorry," I offer.

It's pathetic and lame.

"You're sorry," she repeats, devoid of emotion. "I don't want to hear 'sorry,' I want to know why. I want to know exactly what happened. From the minute you got on the plane to New York, to the minute you woke up beside.... beside her."

I hear her voice wobble and I keep my gaze fixed on the window. I'm scared that if I look at her and see tears in her eyes it will break me.

"Why does it matter?" I ask, with a sigh.

What good will it do to go over it all again? I have nothing new to report.

"Why does it matter?!" she echoes. "Because I was in love with you, and I thought you were in love with me too!"

So did I.

"I thought I was," I say, feeling tears prick my eyes. I grit my teeth and will them away.

"So what changed?" she demands. "What happened to make you throw it all away for one drunken shag, when only hours earlier you'd been declaring your love for me?"

I wish I fucking knew.

"I don't see how reliving it all is going to help, Jess."

"Let me decide that!" she explodes, making me jump. "God damn it, Harry, why are you being like this?"

"I don't want to hurt you - " I begin, but she interrupts me.

"It's a bit late for that."

"I'm sorry," I start to say, but she cuts me off.

"And don't you dare say you're sorry again," she says, bitterly. "I don't want to hear it. I want the truth. Every detail. I don't care if you think it's going to hurt me. I need to hear it. If only so I can hate you even more than I already do."