Trace of Innocence (No Control Book 3)

Chapter 75

(No Control - 75. Right Now)

It is the early hours of the morning when I arrive in Brussels, and as soon as I wake up everything comes flooding back. I'm on autopilot as I am escorted through security, passport control and then into a car to take me to the hotel. I know the others won't be up yet, although they arrived last night, so I take my bags to my room and then get in the shower. I stand under the hot water until I can't take the heat anymore, and then wrap a towel around my waist and lay on the bed. Only now can I really think about everything that has happened. I allow my thoughts to wander freely, and now that I have had a good sleep, I feel like I am able to think clearly.

My mind replays the events of New York, from my meeting with Nadine and her harsh words about the celebrity world that has become my way of life, to the feelings of desperation and claustrophobia I felt as a result of everything that has happened so far this year, to my one night stand with Sara.

Nadine's words keep coming back to me: I am no longer Just Harry from Holmes Chapel, and I will never be again. I was stupid to think the fame wouldn't change me, or go to my head. I didn't intend to let it, but it happened without me realising, and now that my eyes have been opened I don't like the person I fear I have become.

I think back over my relationship with Jess, starting from the moment I first caught sight of her across the room (the moment that would later inspire some great lyrics for Perfect); to the week she spent with me in LA, where I suspect I fell in love with her but didn't realise; to the moment I did realise I was in love with her by the River Dane, where I snapped that beautiful picture of her.

But even these memories are now shrouded with doubt. If I was really, truly in love with her, would I have been tempted by someone else? Isn't love supposed to be blinding and engulfing, to the point where you can't imagine yourself with anyone else? That's how I thought I felt about Jess, but then I ended up with Sara in my bed. I was attracted to Sara; she turned me on. Those are not the actions of someone in love.

I made the decision to have sex with Sara, and that makes me a cheat. Jess didn't even enter my head, from the moment Sara came up to my hotel room until I woke up the next morning. How can I possibly claim to be in love with Jess when I practically forgot I even had a girlfriend? Who does that?

I can't rationalise or understand my own actions or my own feelings. I am so confused, and it is not fair to Jess to try and explain any of this to her. My own uncertainty will surely hurt her more, and no matter how I feel about her, I can't bear to hurt her any more deeply than I already have.

Jess is beautiful, funny, caring and sweet. She is loyal to me, and has been since the minute we met. She has understood me from the word go; she was never interested in me for my fame, and for someone who is such a big fan, I think that is a massive deal. I believe she loves me for me, the person I am inside. Except I no longer know who that is anymore.

I felt we had a connection straight away. An attraction, unlike any other I'd felt before. I pursued her, starting the night we met, and then while I was at my mum's, and while I was away on tour. I pulled her into my world, unable to let her go because she was the first person in a long time to treat me like Just Harry from Holmes Chapel; even though she had never seen that side of me, even though she had only ever 'known' the famous Harry. She saw past that, and I allowed her to get close to me, and to cross over into the celebrity world. I dragged her here, into this strange environment, and let the paps take pictures of her, and the magazines print stories about her; about us. I turned a blind eye to the way it made her feel because selfishly I wanted her in my life. But now I see I should never have done that. Celebrities dating fans never works. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I listen?