Numb. || mgc

Chapter 4

Ashton found a recipe online for homemade pancakes. The boys wanted to make it from scratch, instead of using the boxed mix.

Luke got out the flour and eggs, while Calum got the vanilla extract, sugar, and milk. Michael and I just sat at the kitchen table watching them struggle.

I found a big bowl in the cabinet, and started measuring the ingredients. Luke and Calum were struggling on cracking the eggs, and Michael and Ashton were fighting over the flour.

"Ashton, give me the fucking flour." Michael screeched as the bag of flour opened and there was a cloud of white. We all started laughing hysterically at his flour-covered face, and before I knew it he was throwing handfuls of flour at me.

"Oh, I see how it is!" I grabbed an egg and threw it at his head, and the boys joined in too. The kitchen was a mess, to say the least. We were all throwing flour, eggs and butter all over eachother.

Michael grabbed my wrists, then cupped my cheek with his hand. He looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. He leaned down, his lips so close to mine. Just before they touched my own, I cracked an egg on his head. "Hahaha sorry sucker!" I screamed and ran to the other boys.

After a while we just stared at the mess, and then decided to just go out to eat. "Want to go to Leo's?" Ashton smiled while taking egg out of his hair. We all nodded, bad headed to the car.

We were all covered in egg, but we didn't care what anyone thought. Michael ordered us all a giant plate of pancakes to share. "This is so good." I said after taking a big bite. All of the boys nodded their heads on agreement, and started stuffing their faces.

As much as I didn't want him to, Michael payed for breakfast. He always looked so happy, but whenever he smiled it didn't reach his eyes. Although he was laughing, you could tell that he was sad. But I didn't know why.

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(A/N TRIGGER WARNING)

The rest of the weekend went by fast. We spent all of Sunday watching movies and cuddling. Surprisingly, I was happy to be home. Michael had dropped me off early because he had to practice with the boys.

I sighed as I recognized the car in my driveway. Mom. I walked into the house and found her in the kitchen. She looked horrible. She looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks, and she had horrible dark circles. She looks weak. I sat down next to her. "Hey mom."

She didn't look up. She held a mug between her hands and fiddled with the handle. "Hi, Cassie. How are you?" She sighed. I could tell that she was extremely tired.

I took her hand and held it. "I've been okay, I guess. School is rough, but I've made a few friends." She nodded her head and I decided against asking her how she was.

Whenever she comes home from work she is always like this. Distant. I couldn't say that I wasn't, either. I hid myself away and I cut myself off from everyone. That's probably why I'm like this. They boys don't know anything. Michael only knows what's on the surface of my life. He doesn't know about my self harm or depression, and he's not going to. I'm not ready to let anyone in my life again. I trusted my parents. I trusted him. But I don't want to dwell in the past, although that's all I do.

I can't move on. It's not that easy. I trusted too many people, and I've just gotten hurt from it. That's why I'm scared to trust Michael. Or any of the boys. I can tell that they truly care about me. I can tell that they would never hurt me, but I've learned that trusting your gut isn't the best option.
As soon as I knew my mom was in her room, I burst out in tears. I carried myself up the stairs into my bedroom where I broke down. I was confused, I felt like I could tell Michael everything, but I was still hesitant around him.

I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I grabbed my blades and stepped in fully clothed. I sighed and let the numbness take over. The feeling of my skin splitting in two and watching the blood and water rush down the drain, was like no other. It's disgusting, though. Having pleasure over hurting yourself. I don't know how long I was in there, but the water was icy cold when I finally got out.

MICHAELS P.O.V

I watched as she left the car, and walked toward her house. She's beautiful. I thought. But she would never like me. Once she got inside, I drove off. I wanted to get away. Anywhere. I didn't have anywhere to go, except home.

I practically ran inside and up the stairs to my bedroom. I slammed the door and started crying. Why? Why me? I started pulling at my hair and pacing. I need relief. I looked down at my wrist, and saw that the silver scars were almost completely faded.

I sighed, and went into the bathroom. I turned off all of the lights and found my blades. It's been a long time.

I was confused. Cassie has had an effect on me. But I know that she's hiding something. Hell, I am too. I just want to save her for whatever is hurting her. But I can't even save myself. I want to tell her everything, but there is something holding me back. I don't want to hurt her.

I haven't even known her for a week, and I feel like I've known her for.my entire life. I feel like I could tell her anything, and she wouldn't judge me. But she wouldn't understand. No one does. No one understands how it feels to be numb. Sometimes it's suffocating, other times it's soothing and peaceful.

I can't take it anymore. I grabbed the blade and started slashing my arms. I knew that I would regret this, but it felt right. All of my emotions, being let out. They were trapped under the skin, but they broke free. The voices, telling me what to do. You'll never make it in that stupid band. That Cassie girl, she'll never like you. I needed them to stop. But I knew I had to stay strong a little longer. Something was keeping me from doing it, and I think it was Cassie.

The voices got quiet, as I finally gave them what they wanted. Blood. I watched as it poured out of my fresh cuts. "FUCK!" I screamed. I pulled at my hair harder and let the tears out. I had no reason to be crying, but I still got my demons and they used to be dreaming. But now they're awake. And they're killing me.

I knew that she would notice. She would notice that I would be wearing long sleeves all of the time. Oh well. She probably doesn't pay thay much attention to me anyways. The other boys are way more attractive than I am. She would never like me.

I cleaned up my cuts, and put on sweatpants and a jumper. I didn't bother to check my phone before I climbed into bed.

I looked up at the ceiling, searching for an answer what I would never find. How can you save someone, if you can't even save yourself?

(AUTHORS NOTE)

Hi guys! This chapter was hard to write and it's probably really confusing, but in the near future it'll be cleared up. Please vote and comment and share with your friends (: