Numb. || mgc

Chapter 17

(IMPORTANT: READ AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END)

"May I sit down?" Calum blushed.

Jessica nodded and moved over, letting Calum sit down next to her. They were both blushing.

"Just ask her out already." Michael coughed under his breath and I laughed. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to his side.

"Would you just shut up already?" Calum said, glaring at Michael. "Anyways, I came here because I have some important news."

Michael sat up straight. "Spit it out!"

Jessica and I laughed. Michael was never patient, and he started to act like an asshole whenever he had to wait.

"Calm down." Calum laughed and rolled his eyes. "Check Twitter." Calum motioned toward Michael's phone.

Instead of using his own, Michael grabbed my phone from my hands and logged onto twitter.

Michael's eyes went wide. Calum was smiling uncontrollably, and Michael was now shaking and shaking his head. I leaned over and looked at the screen.

@Louis_Tomlinson:
Been a fan of this band for a while, everyone get behind them @5sos https://youtu.be/ucT1uhITmCs

Oh my god. My jaw dropped. I looked up at Michael and then Calum, whom, was smiling like an idiot.

"Holy fuck. Balls balls balls balls balls. OH MY FUCK! ONE FUCKING DIRECTION NOTICED US!" Michael screamed. I laughed. Truthfully, I was about to be in tears. I was so happy for those boys.

"That's not the best part." Calum said. He grabbed his phone and logged into the band Twitter account and got onto the dms. "Look." He showed us the screen.

From: @Louis_Tomlinson
Hey boys! We're going on tour. Would you care to join? If you want to, we leave in a few months.

Michael started shaking his head, clearly thinking thus was all a dream. But it was a dream. His dream. Their dream.

"I'm so happy for you guys. Congratulations! I'm gonna miss you when you're on tour." I laugh.

But they'll be gone for months....

"Hey congrats guys! That's so cool that you're in a band." Jessica nervously laughed.

"So um..." Calum started. "Wanna go out sometime?" He gave her a small smile.

"Of course, Calum. I'd love to." Jessica smiled.

For the rest of our time at Leo's, we talked about the tour and how the boys will need to practice every day from now on.

~~~~~~~~~~

MICHAEL'S P.O.V

"Cass?" I asked, sitting on the bed, not facing her.

She sat down next to me. "Yeah?" She asked and looked at her hands.

I sighed. "I don't want to leave you. It'll be so long." I shook my head.

Cassie sighed, repeating my previous actions. "You don't have to leave me. We can skype. Let's just make the most of what we have left, alright?"

I looked over at her. "Yeah. It's just hard, you know? I mean, you've recovered. I still haven't. And being away from you for months with barely any communication... I don't think I can ta-" She cut me off.

"Michael. I love you. I'm here. But you're wrong. I haven't recovered." Her voice got quieter and I could tell she was going to cry. I looked at her wrists. Nothing. I followed her gaze. Her thighs. I put my hand on her knee, trying not to hurt her.

"I kept one. Flushed the rest." She sobbed.

I sighed. My legs were the same way. I wanted to stop. I wanted to be strong, for Cassie. But I couldn't. I couldn't get the feeling out of my mind.

The cold metal against my skin. When I was younger, my mother forced me to stop. She took everything away. I craved it. It's not that easy.

People think that just taking everything sharp away will make you recover. It doesn't. You still crave it, going insane because you no longer have that one thing that keeps you sane. The voices come back. Instead of cutting, you shake. Uncontrollably. You start scratching your arms. Screaming. The demons, they're fighting to stay.

They're killing you. From the inside out. Making you want to do things. When she took my blades away, I went crazy. Panic attacks every day. I couldn't stop screaming and scratching. Something was inside of me, forcing me to do things.

It fucking kills. Fighting back. It kills you. Fighting back your demons. It's hard as all hell.

You feel like you're empty. You feel like there's someone living inside of your body, whispering things in your ear. Killing you from the inside out.

That's how I felt. How I still feel. At this very moment, I feel as of there is someone in my arms, scratching my skin underneath. Ripping my muscles and breaking my bones.

Everyone says to drown your demons. But I can't. I can't drown my demons. They know how to swim.

I feel alone. I have Cassie and the boys. I love them all so much. But I feel empty. Like something is missing.
Is anyone there at all?

~~~~~~~~~~

I don't want to leave her. We are both broken and trying to fix each other's broken pieces while cutting ourselves on their sharp ones.

We both feel alone. Invisible I guess. I can't explain how I feel. I'm better than I was before, but I'm still not that happy kid I used to be. Truthfully, I don't think I ever will be. But I can just hope that this life won't last long. The life of depression. I hope that dies off and a new life of happiness is born.

Time. Everything comes with time. Does that include happiness?

I guess timing does make a difference. Two weeks ago I'd thought that 5 Seconds of Summer was just a joke. Everyone thought it was. I never thought we would have this opportunity. Then I waited. I worked hard and waited. Now I'm finally here, about to live my dream in a few months.

I'm happy, but not happy. I smile, and there's a little spark inside of me. But I want a flame. I want it to devour me, lighting up my entire being with smiles and warmth. I want to be free. Happy. Loved.

~~~~~~~~~~

"I guess you could say we're saving eachother from ourselves." I laughed. I didn't know what to say. We were both broken, but wanted to save eachother. Knowing how hard it is to recover.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself. But that makes me a hypocrite. We want to save eachother, but we can't save ourselves. Like, I want you to stop, but I know how hard it is to recover. It's taken over our lives." Cassie grabbed my hand and held it. She kissed my cheek and put her head on my shoulder.

"But we just got to carry on. Because it's gonna get better. Hopefully. I know it's gonna get better. But it's going to take time. But this is our home. The only thing we've ever known. It's hard to break off, it's hard to leave home. But maybe this was just a house, and our recovery is our home."

You hurt yourself on the outside, trying to kill the monster on the inside.

(AUTHORS NOTE)

Do you ship Jessica and Calum as much as I do? CREATE THEIR SHIP NAME (whoever creates the best ship name for them gets a shout out)

Guys, barely anyone has been voting... I feel like I should just stop writing this book because no one is commenting or voting. I work really hard on these chapters... so I think I will just stop unless you become more active.