Wobaozhewo
-----
They were going to hang out again today. In light of that fact, Hyukjae should have been resplendent in joy, dancing circles around Junsu's monkey face; but he didn't understand why he was so jittery, as if today were something more important than just quality time with a friend. Were they friends? Did he see Daniel that way? He just couldn't wrap his mind around it.
It was hard to keep his posture straight without trembling just a little. Hyukjae's inability to sit upright was disguised only by his lowered head and the fact that he was twiddling with loose thread at the bottom of his apron.
"Are you moping again?"
'Disguised' was, perhaps, not the right choice of words.
"I'm not moping. I'm on my break."
"You look like you're moping on your break," Junsu replied, plopping onto the seat beside Hyukjae, looking not unlike a smug pig.
"Why are you moping on your break?" Sungmin meandered over to sit across from them. "And where's my cappuccino?"
"Hyukjae'll make it, but he's on break. And he's moping 'cause his lover hasn't come yet," Junsu snickered.
"What lies are you spreading, jerkface!" said Hyukjae.
"Lover?" Sungmin asked.
"His mouth is full of blasphemous--" Hyukjae nearly shouted, but froze when the bell above the doorway tinkered about.
Junsu covered up an sadistic chuckle as Hyukjae sprang out of his chair, while Sungmin just looked perplexed, if not just shocked.
Daniel walked in and looked around, very deliberate, the moment he walked in. His eyes caught with Hyukjae's and they both smiled. Hyukjae practically skipped over just slightly past Sungmin's shoulder. "Hyungnim!"
"Hyukjae," Daniel grinned.
"You know, I feel very left out," Sungmin said, turning to pout at Junsu.
Junsu leaned over close. "You're not missing anything. This is pretty much the gist of it," he whispered.
Hyukjae ignored them and the tingling heat in his ears. "The usual?"
Daniel nodded and moved out of habit to the table in the corner, and Hyukjae hurried behind the counter.
The machines started their grinding and whirring and Hyukjae was deaf to the rest of the room. Or he would've been if Sungmin wasn't snickering so loudly.
"Are you serious? Why didn't he tell me? ... But--"
Hyukjae could hear Sungmin trying to stifle his heavy chortling, and Junsu's rustling whispers. Like they were sharing elaborate machinations of the worst kind, the kind to his detriment. He couldn't help regarding them with a bit of suspicion, but did his best to ignore it as he finished up the Americano and brought it over to Daniel.
"Thanks," Daniel said, a little livelier than normal. "We're still on for today, right?"
Hyukjae's nervous energy grew and he had to grip his hands together behind his back to keep from sounding like a little boy promised a trip to the circus. "Yes, hyungnim!"
Sungmin groused from across the room, "Hyukkie-ah, what about my cappuccino?"
"I'm getting to it," he replied, huffing his way back to the espresso machine and straight to work, almost missing Daniel's tiny grin to himself.
"Hyung, your cappuccino," Hyukjae shouted, carrying the cup over. "There. The finest cappuccino in all of Korea, specially made by me. Served personally, too! You feel special, right?"
Sungmin smirked, bringing his hands up to cup Hyukjae's face. "Why yes, I do feel special~ Thank you, Hyukkie~" His hands squished his cheeks together before sliding away, tickling Hyukjae's neck.
Hyukjae did not wonder at the pleasant, if not unusually effeminate, thanks. He knew Sungmin was only playing around. It grossed him out sometimes, how cute Sungmin could be, but he knew better than to point that out. If he valued his life at all, he never would. Instead, he snuffed out a laugh, asking, "Hyung, did you even pay for that?"
"No, he didn't," Junsu said, in true tattletale form.
"Because neither of you were at the register! It's not my fault that the employees here are slacking when I want caffeine." Sungmin glanced off to the side and took a sip of his drink. "While we're on the subject, I went to this other cafe across town for a hot chocolate," he said. "Han Sora rang up my order."
All noise became a low hum in Hyukjae's ears. "She's still around?" he asked, swallowing.
Junsu didn't miss the note of terror in Hyukjae's voice and asked, "That stalk-OW! What was that for?" he pouted at Sungmin, who had kicked him under the table. Sungmin sent intense eye twitches and brow movements at Junsu until it looked like he finally clicked everything together. "Oooh."
Hyukjae eyed them both, still confused.
"Han Sora, that girl from hip hop club?" Junsu said, extremely loud and crossing the border of obnoxious. "I thought she went to study abroad after she got dumped by... what was that guy's name? Guhan... something."
"Kyuhan. She apparently didn't get accepted into the program and stuck around. Now she works part-time as a cashier," Sungmin replied, and leered a little in Hyukjae's direction. "She asked about you. Since you quit club, she's been worrying about how you were doing."
Of course she hadn't really, they all knew, because she was too busy following their club president to care, even though it was only thanks to Hyukjae that she ever got to date the guy. Once he realized that she was only using him to stalk Kyuhan, he left, all attachment cut. He never explained his side of things clearly, not even to Sungmin and especially not to Junsu. They would have either scolded or laughed at him until he was six feet under. But as far as anyone knew, Sora stalked Kyuhan, and when she started dating him, Hyukjae quit the club. Coincidentally.
"Maybe she likes you. From what I remember, you guys were pretty friendly. Isn't she just your style? She has really pretty hair," Junsu added, with a tawdry curve of lip.
"Exactly his style," Sungmin said, stressing each syllable with excessive clarity.
Before Hyukjae could put in his own two cents of whose style he thought she really was, without warning, a choking sound was heard from across the room behind them, where Daniel sat.
"Hyungnim, are you okay?" Hyukjae ran over, partly in frantic concern as Daniel covered roaring coughs with the back of his hand, and a smaller part wanting to get away from that conversation.
"No--it's--no--thing--Just--choked on my--spit," he practically barked out, between noisy inhalations and strangled hacking. Daniel kept his face hidden with his arm, deliberately turning away from curious eyes. His ears were a burning red. Hyukjae guessed it was from the lack of air and smoothed his hand down Daniel's back in firm strokes, to relax him. Once Daniel was calm enough to notice, his back rolled to shrug him off.
Daniel shifted on his feet, shuffling his bag to and fro. His hands were curled into tight balls, judging from the protruding lumps shoved deep down his pant pockets. While Daniel's eyes focused straight on the ground, his nose wriggled every few seconds like it was itchy. "Sorry, Hyukjae, but I'm going to have to cancel today. Something's... come up, but you could still go. It's a freestyle event." He fished out a flier from his bag. "Everything you need to know is here. You could bring someone else if you'd like. Alright, bye."
"But, hyungnim, your--"
Without even a flicker of a glance, Daniel hustled out the door, head sunk low, and leaving behind a cup only barely touched.
"... Coffee." Hyukjae's brows contorted into a frown, making him look every bit the abandoned puppy.
-
It wasn't a rare occurrence for the entire apartment to be full at 11 at night, but it was rare that they would all be involved in a conversation about Hyukjae's boy problems together, as Sungmin so sensitively coined it.
"I don't get it. Why don't you just call him?" Jungsoo asked, stealing a sip of Hyukjae's milk tea as he walked by the coffee table.
"He doesn't have Daniel's number," Sungmin butted in from all the way the bedroom, sounding less than helpful.
It had been a week and some days. Nine and a half days exactly, in fact, since he had last seen Daniel, give or take a few minutes. He had not taken up Daniel's suggestion to go to that freestyle event. The flier indicated some sort of underground rap battle that he wasn't sure he could brave without Daniel's guidance. There was an uneasiness eddying about his stomach without the man that had become a fixture in his life to calm it. Hyukjae didn't really want to make a big fuss over his absence, but he couldn't help worrying. Did something happen? Was he in the hospital? Did Hyukjae do something to offend him or was it even his fault at all? From what Sungmin had relayed to him, it seemed he was entirely to blame.
Hyukjae snatched his drink back from Jungsoo's hold and continued to huddle in his end of the couch (not wishing that he was holding an Americano instead). Heechul used a toe to poke at him from the other end and cried out when Jungsoo tried to sit on the seat between them.
"Oh, sorry--HEY, I said sorry! Why are you jabbing me?" Jungsoo slid to the floor trying to evade Heechul's barrage of feet aimed for his side. "This is my couch!"
"It's everyone's couch," Heechul stated. "And you." He shoved Hyukjae with his foot. "You don't have his number? How much do you like him, you coward?"
"How would I just ask for his number? There hasn't been any reason to! He's just a regular customer!" Hyukjae blathered, unable to look Heechul in the eye.
"Junsu told me you guys went on a date," Sungmin said, smirking his way to the fridge.
Heechul's eye twitched. "They already went on a date? Yah! Is that what you stole my pants for? You better not have had sex in them or so help me god--"
"Heechul, it's Hyukjae. You know he's too shy for that kind of--"
"You never know. Don't you remember when we found Siwon and Hankyung in my bed our last party? Who'd've thought that the football scholarships were fondling each others' balls."
"Oh, right. Why did you remi--"
"Guys," Jungsoo said, as Sungmin walked in with a fruit tray and sat himself by Hyukjae's feet, setting down the food on the table. Jungsoo stole a piece of apple, smacking loudly as he chewed, saying, "I think you were talking about Hyukjae and how to help him stop being so sad."
"I'm not sad!"
Heechul snorted, "Right, and you bought milk tea because your cheap ass was willing to shell out three bucks for kicks."
Jungsoo and Sungmin both laughed in agreement. The last time Hyukjae was willing to buy something a little extra for anyone, including himself, it was because his dog had died. And even then, Sungmin had helped pay for part of the meal, in consolation.
Hyukjae sighed, trying not to show any emotions by focusing on the television. The cute dancing marshmallow on the screen, bobbing in time with equally cute music was distracting enough, but it wasn't really. Not when his roommates were discussing how he should handle his own love life. Or not love life. Or how he should ask a guy out. Like he was gay. He wasn't gay. He just wanted to impress Daniel because he really, really, really, seriously admired Daniel. As a hyung. As a writer. A teacher. A man. Okay, maybe not a man, but as a person. ... Hold on. That sounded sensitive.
This was not helping. Hyukjae was feeling more and more troubled. They were all taking this situation with so much more stride than him, he couldn't tell if it was that they didn't understand the weight of the issue, or if he was making too big of a deal.
"Look," Heechul said, "Obviously, there's some type of thing you're feeling. Now act on it."
The older, more sage Jungsoo made a noise of thought. "That's too rash. You like a guy. He might not just accept it so easily. I mean, you're my friend, so I can give you support and whatnot, but I'll admit, if I were the one being confessed to... Well, there just needs to be some affirmation, don't you think?" he frowned.
Sungmin interjected, "I was watching him. When I said that stalker girl was Hyukkie's type, he looked sick and nearly coughed out a lung. Isn't that enough of an affirmation?"
"What? You--Was that why--I-That's not rea--" Hyukjae sputtered.
Heechul cut in, "This Daniel guy likes you. You like him. You're just being stupid. Stop being dumb and just go for it."
"He's just a good hyung. He--"
"He nothing. Do or die." Heechul nabbed the milk tea right out of Hyukjae's hands and took a drink. The debate was over.
-
"Are you...?"
"What?" Hyukjae said, his tone as flat as his cheek pressed firmly against the table. The corner table where Daniel usually sat, to be precise.
Junsu frowned. "Is that an Americano?"
"Double shot."
"You drink it black?"
Hyukjae gave a non-committal grunt.
Junsu's face scrunched with skepticism. "You like it?"
"... It tastes like dirt."
"Why are you still drinking it then?"
"... I don't know."
-
"Our little Hyukjae-yah~ This is your noona! Do you remember me? You haven't phoned lately... Not even a text! Jungsoo called me to let me know how you were doing. Just know that all of us love you, okay, Hyukjae? Call me when you have time..."
-
He'd been in his own head for another week, and it wasn't looking good.
It wasn't looking good because his roommates, who originally had joked around the subject, were now walking on eggshells after he'd stopped smiling. It wasn't looking good because Junsu had told him to stop coming to work until he could concentrate on doing his job right. It wasn't looking good because the more he thought about it, the more he realized how quirky Daniel was, how funny he was, how intelligent... Small habits, like chewing on his pen (the pen), like tapping out rhythms and letting words just flow through his mind and out of his mouth, sometimes surrounded by faint stubble that only added to the 'deep poet' effect that he had become bewitched by. Hyukjae was vulnerable to loneliness, he was very aware of this about himself, and he knew he could rely on his friends to make that loneliness go away. But there was something - not that his friends weren't good enough, they were - but there was just something that Daniel, only Daniel could do. Could make him feel. He just...
Hyukjae couldn't have found the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" more true if he had been slapped in the face with it and then beat down with a stick of loneliness. He was torn, telling himself repeatedly to keep from getting fonder, but his mind was losing to the burning tug in his chest. Daniel's absence was hurting him.
The longer he let this go on, the longer he would hurt. He was going insane - there was no other explanation - to have let himself fall like this and not know it. To not see where his actions were leading him. Daniel was a good hyung--that had not been some phony excuse conjured up out of panic. Daniel was filled to the brim with knowledge to spare, and was willing to spare it, and Hyukjae probably admired that most about him. It wasn't that he saw Daniel as a teacher. A mentor. An opportunity. If that were the case, Hyukjae would not have hesitated to take Professor Lee's offer. He understood that now. Because... what if taking that opportunity meant losing Daniel?
Heechul's advice eddied about in his head - do or die do or die do or die - and by the week's end, it was like a high tide, crashing around the forefront of his mind and being pulled by the gravity of Daniel.
His shoulders trembled in anxiety. It wasn't hard to figure out what he had to do next.
The only problem was actually doing it.
-
Staring at the directory, there was surprisingly only one professor in the Literature building with the surname Lee. Hyukjae had never thought about it before, but he did wonder why so many of his lower division classes were taught by the same two or three people. Now he knew it was because the Literature faculty was just really small.
Hyukjae breathed in and blew out, heading up the building to the fourth floor where the offices were; he felt more refreshed being productive like this than when he was lugubrious on his couch. How ironic that last night had been the most restful sleep he'd gotten for the past couple weeks.
The halls were only somewhat familiar. He was never the type to see professors and talk to them outside of class unless there were some really important reason, like failing. He had to laugh to himself, remembering Daniel's frustration with those types of students, but upon reaching the door with the appropriate name placard, Hyukjae sobered. Determination set square on his thin frame, he gave the door a light rap and was shocked when the door opened almost immediately and a pair of trendy horn-rimmed glasses peered out at him.
"P-Professor Lee?" he greeted.
"Lee Hyukjae! Come in, come in! What brings you to my side of the woods?" Professor Lee was just as enthusiastic as Hyukjae remembered, ushering him into the room and plopping him down onto a seat quicker than he could refuse. "Have you considered my offer?" he asked, closing the door, leaving Hyukjae with nowhere to run.
"A-Actually, professor," Hyukjae cleared his throat, "I'm here to ask about Daniel. Do you happen to know how to contact him? Y-you see, it's been a couple weeks and-and-well... I'm--"
"Daniel?" the professor said, adjusting his lenses. "He's been pretty much gloom and doom for a while now. I thought you'd know better than me what's going on with him."
Hyukjae fidgeted about in the worn and faded settee, his rear sunken so low into the cushion that his knees were nearly plane with his chest. Feeling as awkward as a child sent to the principal's office to tattle on a classmate, he asked, "I-I-Why would I be the one to know?"
"Well, he was pretty keen on you, last I saw," he paused, his eyes narrowing. "Come to think of it, he hasn't mentioned you for a while now either. Did you guys fight?"
"I don't know, I don't really... I didn't know he had mentioned me to anyone," Hyukjae said, slow and hesitant.
"Nothing but good things, usually," Professor Lee said, as if reading Hyukjae's thoughts. He hummed to himself and walked behind his desk, rummaging through a drawer. "Let me see if I have his address for you."
The desk was cluttered, to put it lightly. Hyukjae's eyes roved about until something caught his attention. Right at the edge of the desk, between a standard name plate and a plaque awarding a Lee Minho for five years of Excellence in Education, lay familiar etchings on a square of napkin.
He pointed at it. "W-What's that there?"
The professor stopped his search for a brief moment to look where the finger was aiming. "Oh, that? Daniel left that here. He said he found it and liked what it said, so he kept it--then he left it here, the dolt," he laughed.
For a moment, Hyukjae could not for the life of him take a breath. Everything in his peripheral vision blurred out and he saw only his own handwriting, dull and dead under the harsh florescent office light, but with a golden luster only his own eyes could provide. He didn't even process himself walking towards the desk. Because in front of him - right in front of him - were those words.
I want to dream the rest of my life with you,
I'll leave my heart by you now.
It was fate (maybe), destiny (probably) to see the words at a time when it held more meaning than when he originally wrote it. He wouldn't forget them now. And when that moment of lucidity was over, he took just another little nanosecond to relish the fact that he had been right all along, only slightly trumping the small feeling of relief somewhere deep in his mind from knowing he wasn't deluded or paranoid.
His heart fluttered for the barest of moments as Lee exclaimed, "I found it!"
A knock sounded, and the door opened abruptly with Daniel rushing in.
"Hey prof, I have the--Hyukjae."
Daniel froze with his hand still attached to the doorknob, looking not unlike a lost zombie.
If Hyukjae had felt small and young before, he felt infinitely so as Daniel stood at the door, his face completely haggard. Hyukjae thought haggard, because he looked as if he'd aged ten years from the last time they had met. Stubble grew uneven on his upper lip and chin, a dusty scarf wrapped around his neck. When Hyukjae could bring himself to look Daniel in the eyes, he realized that they were sallow, with some dark along the edges.
"Hyungnim, have you been sick?" he could not help asking.
Daniel just gaped, and the professor gave something like an eye roll towards the ceiling.
"Well, I see you don't need the address anymore. I'll just leave you two to sort things out," he said, smirking. He headed for the door only to halt and add with a wink to Daniel, "Lock the doors and don't make a mess in here."
Daniel's elbow jabbed him in the back on his way out the door. Whatever joke he was making was lost on Hyukjae because things were strewn about the office in jumbled piles and chaotic stacks. It was already a mess with room barely enough to walk.
As the door clicked shut, there was a facade of repose between the two, both mirroring wide eyes and fixed stares.
"I... I was looking for you," he managed to mumble out when it seemed clear that Daniel wasn't going to speak. Maybe didn't want to see him. "I hadn't seen you in a while, so. So."
For Hyukjae, his mind had been taken hostage by the man before him, emptied of everything he had wanted to ask, to say. What could he have said? Everything he had thought to tell Daniel meant nothing in the face of what he hadn't even realized until this moment, like just how much he really missed seeing him and talking to him, being with him...
Daniel's expression was... sad? Confused? Angry? He looked as if there were a millions things he wanted to say, ready to burst out, but why wasn't he saying them? Hyukjae wanted to hear Daniel say something, anything, and the quiet was making him want to howl out his demands. Like did Daniel know who had written that paltry excuse for a poem? His little farce of a couplet. If he did, Hyukjae wanted to know what it meant.
Hyukjae didn't know what he was thinking (he was probably not thinking at all) as he walked closer to Daniel, steps small and unsure. Maybe it was because he could feel his head throbbing from the fact that Daniel was just standing there, letting this awkward space consume them. Maybe it was that he couldn't help wanting to... to feel Daniel closer to him, to stop avoiding him or whatever it was that he was trying to do. Like a punishment for something he didn't know he had done wrong.
He kissed him.
Meek, fumbling, his arms hanging like heavy stones on his shoulders. The sensation was indescribable. Daniel's lips were like marshmallows. Dry, chapped marshmallows. Pillows. Soft. Hyukjae didn't know. But immediately, dread thrummed down his spine and he pushed Daniel away, just as swiftly as they had come together.
"I--" I what? I just kissed you and I-I--and what did I just do?
Hyukjae searched Daniel's face for any sign of relief, or disgust, or just a clear answer to the question he didn't want to voice, and when all he saw was some crazed bewilderment, it told Hyukjae everything he didn't want to know.
He fled.
TBC
